Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Strong Feelings for Two Lovers-- 'V' Hinge (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49356)

SummerAle 06-30-2013 02:09 PM

Strong Feelings for Two Lovers-- 'V' Hinge
 
My lover and I have a deep connection and he recently started seeing another woman whom he is developing strong feelings for as well. While he and I have definitely had great physical and emotional connections with more than one person in the past, neither of us has had strong feelings for two people at the same time. It's becoming quite sticky. Anyone out there have some sage advice as we navigate this? Many thanks in advance.

Cleo 06-30-2013 02:18 PM

What's the difference between a 'great physical and emotional connection' and 'strong feelings'?

Dagferi 06-30-2013 02:22 PM

My advice MYOB in regards to his other relationship. Nothing wrong with sharing what's going on in your lives. But avoid the temptation to meddle or keep score.

I love both my guys very very much. But I run my relationships as separate but equal without a hierarchy. The only person who comes first would be the children.

JaneQSmythe 06-30-2013 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SummerAle (Post 212595)
My lover and I have a deep connection and he recently started seeing another woman whom he is developing strong feelings for as well. While he and I have definitely had great physical and emotional connections with more than one person in the past, neither of us has had strong feelings for two people at the same time. It's becoming quite sticky. Anyone out there have some sage advice as we navigate this? Many thanks in advance.

Hello and Welcome! Congratulations on finding polyamory.com - there are lots of threads here and links to other resources that you may find helpful.

Advise? Patience, communication, and GO SLOW.

At the beginning of any new relationship there is often a phenomena called NRE (New Relationship Energy) - this is a heady drug and the people affected often can't really see things objectively - there is a tendency to focus on the "new shiny" person and existing partners may end up feeling neglected. If people recognize that this is going on, steps can be taken to make sure that the existing relationship gets the care and feeding that it needs during this, often straining, transition.

For instance, setting a date night just for the two of you - this is a time for fun and bonding, NOT a time to dissect and "work on" your relationship. Outside phone calls/txts should be banned at this time - except for family emergencies. I don't know if you and your lover live together but time spent on household tasks/chores doesn't count as a "date."

In addition, try to address any existing weaknesses in your relationship - poly tends to shine light into the dark corners of any relationship - revealing cracks that you might have been ignoring, or didn't even know were there. Not great at communication? That needs to be addressed pronto! Find online resources or get books to help you work on that together - BOTH of you, go to a counselor if needed. (I just used that as an example, as it tends to be a common problem.)

Finally, I would encourage you to resist the urge to add even more people to the mix (i.e. add a new partner of your own, you know, to be "fair"). "Relationship broken, add more people." rarely turns out for the best. Try to wait until the new dynamic has stabilized and the NRE has run its course, before shaking it up yet again. (This depends on how stable your existing relationship is and whether you guys are already comfortable dating others but this is the first time "strong feelings" have come into the mix.)

You may want to do a tag search here for "NRE" or "time management". Check out links in the "Golden Nuggets" thread. Peruse the threads in the "Poly Relationships Corner" sub-forum - you can also post more about your specific situation and get more advise here in this thread.

Hope that Helps.

JaneQ

SummerAle 06-30-2013 06:58 PM

Thank You!
 
Thank you all for the replies.

JaneQSmythe-- Super helpful! We will definitely check out the forum resources you recommended. Love the date night idea too! It was great and reaffirming to hear your suggestions because we've already been doing some of the other things which makes us feel like we're in a healthy spot.

Cleo-- The connex in the past have been more centered around play and/or the boundaries for emotional connection have been more clearly defined (i.e. being with someone who has a primary they are committed to). Our current situation has become tricky around special events for example-- who is invited, in what order if the other person can't or doesn't want to go, etc.

Dagferi-- We feel better sharing at this point but we shall see. I may come a knockin' on your door with more questions in the future...

LovingRadiance 07-01-2013 01:25 AM

Don't keep score, try to go with the flow, don't make comparisons.

IF you feel neglected, keep the topic to YOUR NEEDS without bringing the other person up AT ALL in the conversation. That helps you identify your needs in your relationship individually. Not a matter of keeping the social aspect of the relationships separate-but it helps keep the RESPONSIBILITY for each duo separate which is critical.

Read up on "polymath" (galagirl has links for that on this board somewhere, so you could pm her).

In a group of three people (I am in a V also by the way)-
there are 3 duo's you and your partner, you and your metamour, your partner and your metamour.
In each case-the two people who are part of the duo need to take responsibility for fulfilling the needs of THAT duo relationship-the third party needs to NOT be held liable for neglect within a duo of which they are not part.

So-for example, if Maca feels he isn't getting enough time with me-it's not "you spend more time with GG than me".
It's "I need more time with you" then we negotiate what amount of time our relationship needs in order for both is and my needs to be met. It's not GG's responsibility and therefore he isn't the "problem" and shouldn't be used as such or blamed for me not giving Maca enough time (which is what the first sentence does).

Capische? :)

Marcus 07-01-2013 02:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SummerAle (Post 212625)
Dagferi-- We feel better sharing at this point but we shall see. I may come a knockin' on your door with more questions in the future...

When you say "sharing" here I presume this is referring to you two having conversations about what is going on and not keeping it a secret from each other.

If I read that correctly, there is a big difference between "minding my own business" and having a "Don't Ask Don't Tell" arrangement. What minding my own business means is, taking responsibility for my feelings and actions and staying hands off with how my partner deals with theirs. It doesn't mean that I should not have curiosity or input when it is appropriate - I'm just not taking on what is going on in someone elses relationship as "mine".

I'm with Dagferi 100% on this one, you guys should feel free to "share" whatever information everyone is comfortable with - just don't get confused about which relationship is yours (Hint: it's the one you are in) and to let everyone else manage/worry/deal with their own... mind your own business.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SummerAle (Post 212625)
Our current situation has become tricky around special events for example-- who is invited, in what order if the other person can't or doesn't want to go, etc. .

Don't let yourself get distracted into thinking that because you are non-monogamous, somehow relating to other humans is now some new and exciting social experiment. These are still people whom you love and want to experience certain things with... don't get bogged down by the whole "romantic partner" thing.

Invite the person who you enjoy taking to the type of event, this includes your partners, friends, family. Think of it like you have a big group of close friends who are all fully functional adults; who would you invite to which sorts of events? If there is a negligible difference between who would be the most fun to go with then invite the one you didn't go with last time.

This isn't a problem, btw. "I have so many loved ones and a full social life"... everyone should be lucky enough to have these problems :)

Dagferi 07-01-2013 01:40 PM

I did not mean carry on a don't ask don't tell situation with my MYOB statement. I meant keep your nose out of relationships you are not involved in. A lot of partners want to in force rules and regulations on the other relationship. Ie you can only see them x amount of time when I say. Veto powers.. I could go on.

Trust me there is no way I could spend the time I do with Murf if Butch wasn't aware of my relationship. He just has no rights to micromanage Murf and I

nycindie 07-05-2013 06:39 AM

Does MYOB stand for "make your own bed?" Oh, wait, it just occurred to me - it's "mind your own business!" Right?

Darned acronyms! Sometimes I am so dumb with them.

bookbug 07-05-2013 05:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 213157)
Does MYOB stand for "make your own bed?" Oh, wait, it just occurred to me - it's "mind your own business!" Right?

Darned acronyms! Sometimes I am so dumb with them.

Literally LOL! Thanks for the giggle.


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:12 PM.