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-   -   New to polyamory and struggling to swim in the deep end (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49341)

Amnati 06-29-2013 11:22 PM

New to polyamory and struggling to swim in the deep end
 
Hello All, sorry I didn't introduce myself right away.

Anyway. My wife and I have just opened up our relationship of seven years. She was contacted by a guy and they hit it off very well and incredibly quickly. They went from first meeting online to meeting face to face in about a week. When they had their first meeting it was supposed to be just for coffee and then she and I could discuss things after that point. Well, first date skipped to fourth date and she spend the night at his house. She has been spending at least one night a week with him ever since. Their first meeting was May 30th, just to give some time perspective. In between then and now, we have finals, family has been visiting, and the apartment has received a massive dose of cleaning. Between all of this she is taking a summer class and working two internships, I am also working on my graduate degree and we have a four year old to manage. Is this once a week over night trip pretty common (he is about an hour away)? I have been feeling fairly neglected, as he gets a chunk of Friday and most of Saturday with my wife, and then all the rest of our time is either work, school, or our son. It may just be envy of the fact that they get spend uninterrupted time together, and the whole new relationship energy. It has been very rough on me and I don't know what to do. I don't want to be jerk and say that they can't have their time together as often as they would like, but I also feel that her boyfriend hasn't attempted to see my side of the situation either. (I've also been getting disappointing results on Okcupid, so my love life has been looking pretty dismal). Sorry for the rambling post, I've just been having a hard time with things for the past month and need some support from the people in the clouds.

YouAreHere 06-30-2013 01:33 AM

I went through something a teeny bit similar (although not to the same level) when my partner was laid off and he and his OSO got "fun time" quite a bit. Again, my time with him also had to be shared with work, my kids, etc., and I felt extremely envious of the fact that they could just pop off for a bike ride (and that I'd see it on Facebook).

I needed to talk with my partner and make sure he knew that *I* needed that type of time as well. In fact, we looked at the calendar (we had to) and actually PLANNED that time. Despite the lack of spontaneity, it helped show that he was willing to work with me on this, and he understood that I needed time like that too.

Once he re-entered the land of the employed, it was kind of a non-issue, but we found something workable in the meantime.

Good luck - you seem to have a LOT on your plates. You need the downtime with your wife as well.

Ssandra 06-30-2013 02:10 AM

Another thing you might want to look at is if it is doable for them to spend one or two weekends a month with your son so that you can have some free alone time as well. To rest, do your own stuff, etc.

Amnati 06-30-2013 02:35 AM

I should bring that up to them, although the problem would be bringing him to his house. If they came up for the weekend I would have no place to go. I was suggesting they could allow down and meet twice a month so I could get my occasional weekend in with my wife, but they thought I was irrational and off my rocker. True they are only spending one day of the weekend together, but I work on Sunday and she works on Friday. It would be nice to have a night where the little guy isn't my wingman. He doesn't help too much for actually finding a date.

Ssandra 06-30-2013 02:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amnati (Post 212553)
I should bring that up to them, although the problem would be bringing him to his house. If they came up for the weekend I would have no place to go. I was suggesting they could allow down and meet twice a month so I could get my occasional weekend in with my wife, but they thought I was irrational and off my rocker. True they are only spending one day of the weekend together, but I work on Sunday and she works on Friday. It would be nice to have a night where the little guy isn't my wingman. He doesn't help too much for actually finding a date.

They could always sleep in a hotel (and not kick you out of your own house!) and spend the day at home?

kdt26417 06-30-2013 03:10 AM

It certainly isn't irrational or off your rocker to ask for every other weekend, but on the other hand you can't control their actions, all you can do is ask, and decide your own actions. It sounds like NRE is getting the best of them, but no one is harder to reason with than a person high on NRE.

Any chance of hiring a babysitter to get yourself a break from the kid?

LovingRadiance 06-30-2013 04:31 AM

Can't imagine. We have an understanding-kids come first and EACH parent has a responsibility to spend a certain amount of quality time with the kids each day/week/month etc.
So neither of us would consider being gone every weekend-as weekends happen to be kids free time as well (usually).

LadySFI 06-30-2013 05:28 AM

I understand this situation. This can be very difficult in my home/apt. as my husband has our son while I am almost 5 hours away at graduate school. I do what I can to give him time.

We visit every other weekend, I find sitters when I can for us to do adult stuff. I set up every summer for him to go visit grandmom for 5 weeks and try to take him for a week at the beginning and two at the end of the summer (he gets to learn lots of nerdy sci-ency lab stuff, but at least he is with me).

This essentially gives him most of the summer to do as he pleases.

Also, when he was dating a girl, I offered to take our son and let them have my place for as many days as they could wiggle in (I live at the beach).

I understand her perspective. NRE is great and a wonderful break. However, you don't get to just not be a mom and leave your spouse stuck with the kid all the time.

She needs to put in the effort to give you adult time with/and without her as well.

Amnati 06-30-2013 06:21 AM

I'm not stuck with him all the time, she lets me get out to play D&D most weekends. But she has been trying to compare my hobby to her love life, and it really stings. I spend six hours out with the guys, most of it while the little one is asleep, and she spends 24 hours with her boyfriend. Our weekly schedule, since he is out of school had me watching him three days a week while trying to finish my MS and she has him four days a week while working her internships and taking a summer class, so it not easy to begin with, and true she has him most of the time during the week. Sorry to rant and rave, this month has been painful. Not only is the poly stuff new, but true emotions like this are as well. I've always been super steady and never really had strong feelings. I was told in the past that I bottle them up, but after this experience I know that isn't the case. Sorry for ranting internets, and thanks for the responses, I'm new to this poly stuff and didn't know where else to turn.

nycindie 06-30-2013 07:10 AM

Schedule date nights with her. You need time together as a couple that isn't focused on kids, bills, home repairs, etc.


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