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-   -   Dating an ex? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49302)

JadeDoor 06-28-2013 02:40 PM

Dating an ex?
 
I realize that making your own definition of "normal" is probably important with poly, but I wanted to ask if anyone else has tried dating an ex? How about an ex husband or ex wife?

My husband is dating his ex wife. It took many years for me to get to the point where I'd be okay with this. I knew he still loved and cared for her. They have kids together that we have all been co parenting fairly well these last few years. But he would always deny having feelings for her and she would do the same.

DH knew I wanted to try poly since before he and I were even married, but I think he was afraid I would leave him if he admitted his feelings. He's also very good at shutting down and just "deciding" he doesn't feel something.

In the week since they've been dating, they are very happy together. And I'm happy for them. But I guess I'm wondering if it's a bit odd involving an ex like that? I suppose it shouldn't matter what other people think, but I'm new to this and am trying to avoid pitfalls. I'm a reader. I read every bit of information I can on a subject before making a decision so... I use this board as research. lol

Any thoughts?

bookbug 06-28-2013 09:15 PM

I assume they were monogamous before?

I have heard numerous stories of monogamous couples divorcing then remarrying, then divorcing. In traditional relationships if you love someone, you are "supposed" to live together. And yet many people who love one another simply are not good at living together.

My thought when I read this was that perhaps your husband and his ex can enjoy the feelings they have for each other if not confined to the traditional structure. Depending on the nature of the issues that caused them to divorce, maybe dating is not so odd if it was some version of the living configuration that contributed to their issues.

LovingRadiance 06-28-2013 10:00 PM

I remain friends with all of my ex's and yes, I can imagine dating some of them again.
I married my husband 10 years after we fell for each other and went on to other relationships...
I think being honest, sincere and upfront is much more important that previous dating status.

nycindie 06-29-2013 01:50 AM

I believe in recycling! :p

Yes, I date exes, or stay friends with exes. The relationship is always a different one the second or third time around because we're both different people, yet there is still the comfort of some familiarity.

AlwaysGrowing 06-29-2013 01:51 AM

If I would date someone again would really depend on why the ex and I broke up. If it was a situation that can change then revisiting a relationship would be great. If it was something that's not going to change, then there's no point in revisiting because you already know that there are some irreconcilable differences.

Granted, polyamory makes some of those differences that don't change moot as well. Two people who don't do well in a live-in, monogamous, completely closed relationship may not work but when you add in openness they can make it work.

So, it really depends. I wouldn't see a big issue with it unless it was a truly terrible thing that caused them to split the first time.

JadeDoor 06-29-2013 11:23 AM

There was a lot of drama that caused their divorce. I met him two years into their separation and two weeks before their official divorce papers being signed.

I always suspected she still had feelings for him. The three of us went through quite a bit of our own drama when I was pregnant with me and DH's son. TM (the mom) and I became friends eventually, but there was always some tension. Now I know why.

They've come a long way in a week and I"m truly happy for them. :) It's shown my DH too that maybe a FWB isn't what he's looking for, or what he should require of me. Real feelings can be involved here and everyone still feel loved and appreciated.

Thanks for the input. Like I said, everyone situation is different and of course you have to come up with your own "normal", but I also really want poly to work for us and I'd hate to fall into some typical traps that are a bad idea is all.

BlackUnicorn 06-29-2013 06:09 PM

I'm in the process of starting to date two of my exes again. It takes a leap of faith to believe that your past problems are solvable.

I have the benefit of trying a more secondary approach with my ex-primary, Vanilla. Maybe your husband and his ex wife function better in a secondary setting?

Magdlyn 06-29-2013 06:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JadeDoor (Post 212499)
There was a lot of drama that caused their divorce.... there was always some tension. Now I know why.

They've come a long way in a week ...

One week?? Yikes. I hope they are being careful, especially because--

Quote:

...It's shown my DH too that maybe a FWB isn't what he's looking for, or what he should require of me. Real feelings can be involved here and everyone still feel loved and appreciated.
You're entering into poly with the rule that you can only have FWBs, but he can actually date his ex-wife, co-parent, with whom there has been "drama and tension" for years?? Holy double standard, Batman.

Quote:

Thanks for the input. Like I said, everyone situation is different and of course you have to come up with your own "normal", but I also really want poly to work for us and I'd hate to fall into some typical traps that are a bad idea is all.
Typical traps are double standards and overly restrictive rules for one's primary.

Are you allowed to date men or only women? If you fall in love with someone instead of having merely a FWB/fuckbuddy, what the heck are you supposed to do? Break up with someone because you care "too much?" That sounds like a skosh away from monogamy, and not poly at all, more like swinging.

JadeDoor 07-01-2013 05:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 212517)



Typical traps are double standards and overly restrictive rules for one's primary.

Are you allowed to date men or only women? If you fall in love with someone instead of having merely a FWB/fuckbuddy, what the heck are you supposed to do? Break up with someone because you care "too much?" That sounds like a skosh away from monogamy, and not poly at all, more like swinging.

I'm allowed to date whomever I like. I'm more into men in general.

I think I wasn't clear. I meant that when we first started talking about poly, DH was only okay with a FWB situation for both of us. But now he is realizing he would rather have something more solid and real, not something just about sex. Which makes me happy because I'm not a very sexual person and for me it's more about a connection and relationship with someone. So there's no double standard. Neither one of us has the "no feelings" rule imposed on us.

moonlitwish 07-04-2013 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 212463)
I believe in recycling! :p

Yes, I date exes, or stay friends with exes. The relationship is always a different one the second or third time around because we're both different people, yet there is still the comfort of some familiarity.

What she said!


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