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-   -   New awareness in sexuality (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=493)

MonoVCPHG 07-18-2009 07:08 AM

New awareness in sexuality
The purpose of this post is simply to acknowledge and share a personal discovery. It is about growth in understanding a part of who I am and excitement in the freedom it has given me.

I have spent a lot of years misinterpreting the role of sex in my relationships. For years I thought sex was just something I craved and couldn’t get enough of. I did not think there was something else I was looking for; my path to connection. Because of this I not only mis-communicated with my ex wife throughout my marriage but I also went down a terrible path leading to the break-up of my family.

It was not enough to simply try to analyse what sex brought and took away from my life even with professional help. I explored casual sex and found it empty and unfulfilling. It was not until really communicating about issues with Redpepper that I began to understand my sexuality and how connection has always been my goal and not sex.

It was through certain challenges with polyamory that I realized I needed connection before I could truly feel the intensity of sex and just how incredible it could be. I had experienced this in the past but was not mature or concerned enough to associate what I was feeling to what I was feeling! Redpepper and me have had some interesting talks and out of the blue something got said and my body had an immediate response….cover your ears men….impotence! Some topics or comments completely removed my physical ability to have sex, my body shut down.

It was in analysing these moments that I realized “connection” was my aphrodisiac, the core of my desire for someone, and in essence my nature’s viagra! When I am connected I am extremely drawn to someone sexually. When I experience something that triggers fear, a sense of threat or makes me feel inadequate my connection is severed in that moment. It is quick and noticeable. I can actually feel my energy withdraw; there is a very real physical sensation primarily in my face that washes over me. It is uncomfortable and is impossible to hide from Redpepper. My inability to get aroused is also quite recognizable LOL! Funny now..not then.

This new awareness has given me a feeling of control, happiness and understanding in my life and my relationships. It is great! I was initially disappointed in my non "man whoring" abilities. My friends were even disappointed that I settled into a deep relationship with one person after being married for so long. I am embracing my sexuality and the role of connection. I am proud of the way it works for me, non–judgemental towards how it works differently for others and feel like I truly can enjoy passion on a whole new level with Redpepper.

For me, connection is the path to passion. Passion is not the path to connection. Sounds obvious, but it took me 37 years and a lot of challenges and not so good lessons to figure it out.

This is a new awareness that I attribute at least partly to the openness required in a polyamorous relationship. Thanks again Redpepper..the gifts keep coming Lilo, you are incredible!

Take care every one, lots of love and happiness!:D

redsirenn 07-21-2009 10:10 PM

I totally agree with you on forming a connection with someone. This is what I find most fulfilling about any kind of relationship with people.

XYZ123 07-22-2009 02:38 PM

Than you. This sort of helps sum up my feelings of why I am poly and not into swinging. I am true bisexual and go into "man phase" and "woman phase" sexually, and always have. One sex does it for me and the other does nothing. But not when it comes to N. And not when it came to P. It didn't matter what I craved sexually, my mind, body, and soul always reacted to them passionately. I'm glad you shared this.

MonoVCPHG 07-23-2009 05:17 AM


Originally Posted by XYZ123 (Post 3048)
I'm glad you shared this.

I'm glad someone found value in it :)

redpepper 07-23-2009 06:12 AM


Originally Posted by XYZ123 (Post 3048)
I am true bisexual and go into "man phase" and "woman phase" sexually, and always have.

*sigh* yes I totally understand this.... :(
I miss women being in my life so much sometimes....
what to do.
I'm sure something will come up when I am good and ready for it and they are good and ready for me.

MonoVCPHG 07-23-2009 06:40 AM

WOW! The learning continues and my love keeps moving forward:)

I was engaged in a discussion about friends with benefits and was really disturbed by my reaction to many aspects of a more open approach to sex in relationships. When I think back to the last years of my marriage I don't think I would have had a problem with even the idea of swinging.

I asked myself why this was. I am sure it has to do with the loss of connection to my ex-wife. Because I had no intimate connection I didn't feel I had anything to loose. Now that I have this immense connection with Redpepper, I feel like I have something extremely important to loose. I know my commitment in our love and desired life long relationship hinges on the maintaining of my connection. It rests more on me than her.

I see threats and insecurities in sex positive environments such as the poly and kink communities. The idea of a free world, with lots of intimate love bonding is not my idea of utopia. I'm simply not wired to want it. I'm not worried about connecting with some one else, but that something will happen that will impact my connection with Redpepper. This isn't about some one taking away something from me, but is about something reducing my ability to maintain an intimate connection. I'm black or white..I'm intimately in or I'm out..that scares me and makes me defensive.

My fears are my own, my insecurities are identified and can be overcome, there is very little that can keep me from the life I want with Redpepper;)Now I know something else about myself sparked by this forum.:D

As far as finding a worthy woman, I know you will find exactly what you are looking for....they will be blessed for sure:)

redpepper 07-23-2009 06:29 PM

I am assuming you are talking about finding a woman to share with mono? Otherwise it sounds like you are breaking up with me. I know that you are not threatened by women coming into my life sooo... I hope this is what you are talking about. My heart is in my throat over the thought of losing you over your realizations.

MonoVCPHG 07-23-2009 06:44 PM


Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 3108)
I am assuming you are talking about finding a woman to share with mono?

I know that you are not threatened by women coming into my life sooo... I hope this is what you are talking about. My heart is in my throat over the thought of losing you over your realizations.

I am Lilo..no worries..keep that heart where it belongs, safely nestled in your beautiful chest and also joined with my own. My realizations will only strengthen my sense of security as well as allow me to have even more fun within our relationship and our social environments..this is a really positive thing:)

When I mention defensive I am referring to protecting my connection with you. At times I am more governed by preceived threats than what is actually going on.

You won't get rid of me that easy Gorgeous...I'm way to addicted to you:D

NeonKaos 07-23-2009 06:49 PM

...just wondering if you two knew about private messaging?

redsirenn 07-23-2009 06:56 PM

ok first -
You two are so sweet:o

And Mono - I totally understand how you feel. This makes me realize how broad the spectrum of relationships actually is. I definitely feel that I want more of an emotional connection with someone I have a sexual relationship with, but also feel I could have that with more than one person. However, I have been where you are too, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! My learning is expanding greatly as a realize how different we can all relate to people and how different relationships can be shaped to suit our desires and needs.

It's really funny to me that I never realized there was not only more than one way to have a romantic relationship, but several!
It is really quite eye-opening that this can be done with integrity and honesty.

And for everyone - let me add that I appreciate all of your honesty with this. It really helps me to see real people in this forum.

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