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-   -   Not sure where I stand (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49241)

Wifeto2 06-27-2013 06:45 AM

Not sure where I stand
 
So I posted a while back about being in a relationship with my gf and dh. Well things have only gone downhill. I gave them permission to have sex without me. I was happy for them. In the end though I have been being ignored by dh for the past few weeks and him and gf have continued to have sex. Gf and I have slowly been working towards our own relationship sexually but ultimately I am still being ignored by dh. I have been very honest and open and communicating with him about my feelings and regardless still have gotten ignored. I brought up looking for a bf because I need to have my needs met both emotionally and physically and am not. Dh freaked out said things were done with gf. And he would make a better effort to give me attention.we have talked all day the. Tonight one of the things out of his mouth was "I want to have a three way when I come home because she keeps getting ignored because we r figuring our feeling etc out." I told dh tonight that I'm done. I'm telling gf I need her to stay away and I'm done with dh. I can't ride this roller coaster of emotions anymore.

If you don't have anything productive to say or insist on being crude and crass don't respond to my thread. I can do without it right now

BlackUnicorn 06-27-2013 07:36 AM

I didn't quite get your post. Are you breaking up with both dh and gf? That seems a bit rash.

Generally, the "relationship broken, add more people" approach doesn't work. Who would want to get involved with you if have a job description ready for them. "Fulfill my needs A, B and C cause my husband won't".

BoringGuy 06-27-2013 07:45 AM

I can't be crude, crass, or unproductive until someone asks a stupid question.

london 06-27-2013 08:29 AM

Do you understand that your issues are in your marriage. Forbidding your girlfriend to stay away is blaming her for the issues between you and your husband. He is fine with her you're fine with her, it's your marriage that is the issue. You need to have a frank discussion about that. I said before that it might mean that sex with your husband isn't something that happens frequently and your relationship with him might be about other things. He shouldn't stop you finding that elsewhere though. That's wrong. I think you both have to own up to how things actually are and not what you'd like them to be.

Natja 06-27-2013 10:47 AM

Your relationship with your husband has changed, this frequently happens with Poly and yet it still manages to shock some couples.
But to be fair (and I hope not crass or vulgar) I really do not think you have given it enough time, it has really only been a week or two (certainly not several weeks) since you said you have given them permission to sleep together but you expected change too soon.

My own thoughts are that you are not really comfortable with this relationship because you feel the threat to your relationship and can't really handle this NRE.
Perhaps Poly simply is not for you? Like many people going into it, especially in a triad, you assumed fully equal level of NRE and was not prepared to be locked out of the NRE.

I also don't believe your threat to get your own bf, I think you said that to shock your husband and get him to feel jealous, the fact that he reacted so strongly is telling, he wants to be the only man but he can't take care of both his partners, he is mono-focused and yet totally willing to dump the girlfriend at a moments notice, it seems like very selfish and unhealthy behaviour all around, if you do continue together please seek counselling and stick to monogamy.

Wifeto2 06-27-2013 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by london (Post 212197)
Do you understand that your issues are in your marriage. Forbidding your girlfriend to stay away is blaming her for the issues between you and your husband. He is fine with her you're fine with her, it's your marriage that is the issue. You need to have a frank discussion about that. I said before that it might mean that sex with your husband isn't something that happens frequently and your relationship with him might be about other things. He shouldn't stop you finding that elsewhere though. That's wrong. I think you both have to own up to how things actually are and not what you'd like them top be.

We have admitted that its issues between the two of us. I can understand that sex might not happen as frequently but I didn't expect to be shut out completely. It's not how we would like it to be. I understand the treatment isn't always going to be equal but I'm not getting anything. Dh and I have had many discussions about this and it always goes back to he is more worried about her feelings and needs.

Wifeto2 06-27-2013 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Natja (Post 212209)
Your relationship with your husband has changed, this frequently happens with Poly and yet it still manages to shock some couples.
But to be fair (and I hope not crass or vulgar) I really do not think you have given it enough time, it has really only been a week or two (certainly not several weeks) since you said you have given them permission to sleep together but you expected change too soon.

My own thoughts are that you are not really comfortable with this relationship because you feel the threat to your relationship and can't really handle this NRE.
Perhaps Poly simply is not for you? Like many people going into it, especially in a triad, you assumed fully equal level of NRE and was not prepared to be locked out of the NRE.

I also don't believe your threat to get your own bf, I think you said that to shock your husband and get him to feel jealous, the fact that he reacted so strongly is telling, he wants to be the only man but he can't take care of both his partners, he is mono-focused and yet totally willing to dump the girlfriend at a moments notice, it seems like very selfish and unhealthy behaviour all around, if you do continue together please seek counselling and stick to monogamy.


If not being able to handle the NRE is not being ok with being ignored then yes you are very much right about me not being able to handle it. I'm not just locked out of his NRE with her but everything with him.

Me saying I wanted a bf was not me making a threat. I am not having ANY needs being met. If they aren't able to meet my needs then I should be finding someone to meet them right? I have been through a roller coaster of emotions this last few weeks. Right now I'm just drained. I have talked alittle this morning to gf.

Natja 06-27-2013 01:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wifeto2 (Post 212220)
If not being able to handle the NRE is not being ok with being ignored then yes you are very much right about me not being able to handle it. I'm not just locked out of his NRE with her but everything with him.

NRE can turn people into beasts and can be very selfish, it seems like you are locked out of everything because there is very little else left in him at the moment.


Quote:

Me saying I wanted a bf was not me making a threat.
Right, ok, I am glad I was wrong about that.

Quote:

I am not having ANY needs being met. If they aren't able to meet my needs then I should be finding someone to meet them right?
Absolutely, but do you really think what you want is another partner? Or is what you really want is attention from your current ones? Because if it IS the latter than getting a former won't really solve your true needs.

GalaGirl 06-27-2013 02:08 PM

I am sorry you hurt. :(

Sounds like poly hell.

Perhaps reading that together could help you guys salvage / learn from it and set the polyship back on course.

Or if you are done, and feel like you don't want to be in polyship with GF or DH any more... could shelve it for a time. (You pick the time -- a day, week, only you know how much you have to think through. ) If you are still done with them in that time? You are still done with them.

But could not make major life changing choices while in an high emotional state. YKWIM? Could take a time out to cool off and even if you come to the same conclusion that you want to break up with both of them -- you arrive at it from a cooler head kind of place free of emotional roller coaster wackies. And if not totally free -- at least "lower in volume" so you can form your next steps.

I can imagine it must feel very hard. Hang in there.

Galagirl

gorgeouskitten 06-27-2013 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wifeto2 (Post 212179)
I told dh tonight that I'm done. I'm telling gf I need her to stay away and I'm done with dh. I can't ride this roller coaster of emotions anymore.

I really hope you can work this out. Do you have any poly friendly therapists in your area? i know mine is immensely, helpful, and actually after i went to her BF and his spouse each started seeing her too (hubs has not, he has his own person for different mental health matters and is doing very well with poly). Im not going to call you rash, or be crude or mean or anything, you clearly do not need this right now. If what you need is space, take space, but i'd suggest not jumping right to divorce. Seperate maybe, and take some time to focus on you. What you need, waht makes you happy. I suggest reading the seven natural laws of love by deborah anapol.

My BF's wife is also struggling with our relationship, and some other issues (though if anything, he puts her needs over mine as gf) and i sincerely hope she doesnt come to this same conclusion, because I do not want to see him hurt. I hope GF in your situation feels the same way.

I also call BS on him not wanting you to get a bf. you deserve love and attention, but make sure you are taking care of yourself for yourself before introducing new people.

Best of luck, keep us posted


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