A long, accompanied song for a solo voice, typically one in an opera or oratorio.
Because although I have people in my life that accompany me, in the end, it's really my journey alone.
I've left blog-like footprints all over the web for well over a decade, but wanted a place to journal specifically about my poly journey, which officially started about 18 months ago, but really... was always there.
So, where am I today? I am a 34 year old female who self-identifies as bi. I've been married to my DH for 11 years and together for 13. We have a young son (DS) together. About 9 years ago, I came down with a chronic illness that rocked our world. After all of those years, we've become pretty good at managing it and feel we have it under control.
DH has been dating D1 (he's sorta-dated three women who first names all begin with "D") for the past 5 weeks. D1 is married and in an unhappy marriage.
I have been dating Mr. C for the past 18 months, who is poly has been married to E for almost as long as DH and I have, a women who self identifies as lesbian and who carries on an illicit LDR with a married woman.
I just recently have entered into relationship with M, a 45 year old married man whom I met on OKCupid. I'm still examining my reasons for doing so, and I'm not sure I initially trust myself in that regard.
So this begins, I suppose.
Be careful what you wish for...
...because you just might get it. That's how the warning goes, isn't it?
New Year's Day of 2013, Mr. C and I were are the usual party that our group of friends since high school have been throwing every year. It's usually a three day long, grown up sleepover, with a bunch of platonic friends. Sometimes people bring a significant other or even a friend, and once in awhile, some people hook up. Generally, though, its pretty PG-13 rated.
Anyway, Mr. C. and I had been dating for one year at that point (it was kind of our anniversary) and after staying up late with the others, we retired to one of the bedrooms to sleep and have some intimate time together. Earlier in the night, Mr. C's wife was in attendance, and while we're not great friends or anything, we've both known of each other for over a decade, and sometimes have read each other's journals on Open Diary and Live Journal. Not much in recent times though, and especially not since I've been dating her husband. I have a healthy respect for her, and since many of our dates, Mr. C's and mine, are at their house, we always say a polite hello because she's usually home. We've even gone on a date with Mr. C together, but only because we all wanted to see the same movie at the same time.
Right, so, when Mr. C and I settled down for the night, I experienced a creeping panic attack. I was suddenly struck with the thought that, at any moment, Mr. C's wife, E, could arbitrarily decide she didn't like me, and demand that he stop seeing me. Irrational, I know, as she has no reason to dislike me, she knows that I make her husband happy for the most part, and even then, she's not the kind of person who would make those kinds of demands on him without a REALLY good reason. Still, I started to panic. She would just have to say the word, and this wonderful man to whom I was growing quite attached, would be just whisked away from my life. This would be terrible!
I couldn't shake the panic and couldn't talk myself down from it. I held Mr. C tightly while he slept and tried to slow my breathing, but I couldn't. I tried to figure out why I was reacting so strongly to this. I suddenly realized, what it was.
It's because I love him.
No, because I'm *in* love with him. This was one year after we started dating, so I was pretty sure the NRE or any possible infatuation would have worn off by now. We've had a deep friendship since our late teens, and have been to each other's weddings, in and out of contact for time, and have spent a lot of time just getting to know each other. We've leaned on each other through crises, we've shared how much we care about each other... and here I am, scared to death that I would lose him. Yes, I'm in love with Mr. C.
The next night at the same house (3-day long party), I had quite a few drinks with some of my friends. When it got really late, I retired to bed, where Mr. C had already been for an hour or two. I cuddled up to him and woke him up that way. We started kissing and I suddenly pulled back from him and sat up. Slurring my words, I told him I had a question for him. He politely waited.
"How come, when we have sex, I'm making love, and you're only f***ing?"
He was silent, unsure how to answer, and very aware of my inebriated state. I tried to search his eyes for his feelings, but it was dark... and I couldn't focus on much anyway. I decided to let him off the hook, and told him never mind, he doesn't need to answer that, and since I'm so drunk, I'd be unlikely to remember me asking him anyway.
Obviously, I lied.
A week or so later, when we talked about our favorite parts of the party, he brought up what I had asked him, and I admitted that I remembered. I told him about the panic attack the night before, and he asked what had caused it. And so I told him why I was afraid of his wife all of a sudden, that I'm in love with him.
We both considered ourselves polyamorous, and the "amour" of that was never off the table. In fact, his wife, E, had fallen in love for her girlfriend the year before, and they both are okay with that. But I knew by his inability to respond, that he didn't feel the same. I knew he cared for me, and I knew I was important to him. And he said so, right then, too. I said that I didn't need him to say anything back to me, and that we actually didn't need to talk about it again, and in fact, I'd rather we didn't. He agreed to do whatever was comfortable for me.
I have an online journal (not here) where I record everything from deep feelings and revelations, to what my son had for lunch. I've given Mr. C, and him alone, the access to it, and when we go for a few days without talking much, he feels compelled to check to see if I've updated it, so he can feel connected to me. I try not to use it as a passive-aggressive way of telling him things that are on my mind. And he reads it and says nothing, unless I've said something that leads him to believe I'm under a false impression, and then just explains what he needs to, to me.
So in my journal, I do mention how I love Mr. C, and how at first, I was happy about it. However, as time went on, I started to feel frustrated. I know he doesn't love me, not in that way. It started to be something I would become upset about. I want to be able to accept whatever feelings he has for me, but he had expressed a connection to an ex-girlfriend who had rudely dumped him right before he met his wife, and who wants nothing to do with him, as a possible reason for why he couldn't let himself fall in love again. He still seeks this connection with this other woman. He also mentioned that it could be the case that I'm just not a person he could fall in love with, whatever that means. And I accepted that, at first.
But having this unrequited love has proved draining on me. I tried to end the relationship. I say tried, because I didn't really want to, and he grilled me for reasons and found none of the acceptable. He requested that we just continue on, and let our feelings for one another develop naturally. I accept that, too, at first.
But still, it's been six months, and... I've met M. M is a deep person like Mr. C and myself, and is giving his all (or at least, whatever's not invested in his wife and child) to this relationship with me. NRE aside, I think I really have something good there. And while my love isn't finite, my time is. And I feel like I pour all this time and energy into the relationship with Mr. C., and I'd like to actually put more of it into M, because unlike Mr. C., he has no such "blocks" on his emotions. I'd like to have the opportunity to fall in love with someone who could actually love me back.
So last Tuesday, I again tried to "end" it. Mr. C was visibly upset. When I explained to him how painful it was to be so in love with him, and to know that I'm almost stuck in the FWB zone, and for the first time, he said he actually saw the pain on my face. He'd read my angst in my journals, but I guess never really... understood.
On the edge of tears, Mr. C asked what he could do to help me fall OUT of love with him, and the options we both came up with were unsatisfactory. I just wanted to stop the pain, I pleaded. He asked if we could please just continue on and let things happen naturally, even if that will eventually mean we grow apart. Finally, I agreed. It would be the same result, I said (and I'd still feel in pain, unable to resolve these feelings.)
He came to me and hugged me, saying that he felt dumb. I asked why, and he said if he had come to this realization before, we wouldn't have had to spend two hours outside getting bit by mosquitoes having this conversation. What realization, I asked him? He sighed deeply and nuzzled my my neck.
"I think I love you," he breathed.
And This Is Why
Of course, he's never said it since then. He'd like time to make sure it wasn't said out of desperation, or fear of change or something else like that. He can take all the time he likes. I fully expect to never hear those words from him again. And to avoid the awkwardness, I won't say them to him, either.
That doesn't mean that I don't feel it, though.
I ordered an iced tea and a waffle-ice cream thingy from the counter at the little cafe near his place that is open late.
There were only two, perhaps three people working behind the counter and plenty of people in the cafe, so my order of plum tea took a bit of time. I sat down on a nearbly chair to wait. After a minute or two, I glanced over my shoulder to where Mr. C was sitting on the burgundy leather couch in the back.
Hunched over with elbows on knees, he cupped his chin with one hand and absently stroked his beard with a single finger. I swear, that is one of the sexiest things about him. One, of an innumerable amount. He was squinting slightly, despite his glasses, to peer at his laptop on the table in front of him. The glow of the screen reflected in his glasses, and I watched him read. From where I was sitting, I could just barely see the details of his eyes; the ones that change color. They were a muted hazel tonight, the green barely visible. I breathed deeply. He was wearing my favorite (on him) combination of clothing, a geeky tee covered by a short sleeved, button-down shirt with a chest-level pocket. It showed off his arms, which I loved. The watch on his right hand wrist simply framed the elegance of it all. The hand that stroked his beard displayed his wedding band, one that he will have been wearing for 10 years as of this Friday. His hair seemed fresh and soft, and I remembered he said he had gone for a run earlier and then showered. It was parted neatly on the side and just the right length so that when I would pull him towards me to kiss him, I could grab on to a few locks and...
Er, um... ahem. Sorry. Anyway, his hair was just starting to curl in the back and sides, which I loved, but likely meant he was soon to cut it. It had only been four or five days since I was last with him, but I already missed kissing him. I missed the feeling of his hands on my waist, my breasts, behind my thighs as he held my legs back, and...
Ack! Distracted. It's not just the sex. It's not just the attraction I have to him. I mean, yes, that is what I'm writing about, but... it's the physical representation of the man, well one of the men, that I love. I could watch him all day. I could listen to him all day. I could read what he writes all day, and believe it or not, I could sit with him while he's gaming all day (but that's not saying much; I enjoy that activity anyway. Still...)
*sigh* Not that I was trying to deny it or anything, but I am definitely in love with Mr. C.
This Message Brought to You by the Letter "D"
So DH and his girlfriend, D1, are done. No, for realz this time. He hadn't heard from her in the 4 days that we've been on vacation, and he finally sent her an text ending it. I kept my feelings to myself about how LAME I thought that was, but he seems happier, so that works for me.
We had another nice long talk tonight about his now current plans with D2. Oh, a little background on the hubbys "Ds."
D1 was a woman he met about two months ago on OKCupid, and when she kept rescheduling their dates, he got frustrated and asked if I minded if he went out to meet someone he'd been talking with, whose name also begins with a D (so, D2), just for drinks. They met, hit it off, made out a little bit, and he came home glowing. However, he still felt a slightly larger pull to D1 since he'd had a couple weeks invested in texting, sexting, etc., and was eager to meet her.
His first real girlfriend when he decided to "try" poly, also had a first name that started with a D. I guess I'm referring to her as D0(zero) because while she's not a romantic involvement, she works with him and is now part of a whole work-get-together thing they've been doing once a month. I've been invited to the last two and the next one, and she's even taken to contacting me over Facebook to arrange dates as well as exchanging phone numbers with me (to send me a photo of our outing that she had taken). This is significant to me, as she had expressed zero desire to meet me while they were dating, and is now making a big effort to be friendly with me. She's a friendly person, so I'm glad she doesn't let the hurt from her breakup with my husband get in the way of her being friends with both of us.
Anyway, back to the other Ds. The hubby decided to tell D2 that he was involved at the moment (even though he'd met her for a get to know you date twice, once before seeing D1 and once after) and apparently she didn't get the text, because just before we left for our vacation she contacted him asking if he still wanted to see her.
DH says he always liked D2 better anyway, but of course that's in retrospect after falling out of favor with D1. Personally, I'm concerned that he jumping from relationship to relationship with hardly a break in between. He dated D0 from Feb to, um.... May? Then started dating D1 in late May and broke up with her July 9, and now, July 10, is in talks with D2 about starting something there. I know I have to trust him that he knows what he's doing but... I dunno. He's a kind of thrill-seeking individual and gets carried away with new things in general, and then all this NRE on top of that... I get concerned. But I think I've been doing a good job supporting him, so far.
I guess the biggest concern I have, though, is that D2 is married, and not poly. At least, she may be able to love more than one person in her own way, but her husband definitely doesn't know, and definitely would not be okay with things, as she tells Dear Husband. I put this to him earlier in the day, encouraging him to see where she stands with that and to search his feelings to make sure he'd be okay with being the "other man." I have to admit, I did put that slant on it, because I'd like him to be respectful and moral about this whole thing, yet D1 and D2 were both married and looking to cheat on their husbands. This was near a deal-breaker for me, but on the other hand, I didn't want to exactly tell him who to date...
I had put it to him like this, in the beginning. I was not comfortable with the idea that I could have an angry husband (or two!) showing up at my doorstep one day with a semi-automatic while I'm home with our son, looking for my husband and his wife. DH is considering this aspect.
*sigh* It's so hard not to impose my own morality on him, but the fact is, I'm really NOT okay with these husbands not knowing that my husband is sleeping with their wives. I'm still not sure how much it is my business though... I suppose, in terms of safety, if they're cheating on their husbands, then it's more likely (in my head) that the husbands could be cheating on them, and then that carries with it a large risk for disease transmission. Still... I struggle with determining how much of it I should have a say in. Don't wanna tell him WHO to date...
All that aside, it appears as though DH is pretty set on dating D2. This is the woman that just had a stillbirth a few months ago, and describes her husband as controlling and confining. Not making me comfortable. Still, she treats The Hubby kindly enough, and that seems to make him happy. I need him to be happy. These relationships, as rapid-fire as they are, have been generally positive for him and resulted in some fast growth. I wish I didn't nit-pick them to death in my head, though. But enough about DH's lovers for now.
Sorta-last day of vacation. I don't wanna go back.
Sat down with the hubby and he opened up to me more. We talked about how he felt when we first opened up our marriage. I had almost forgotten, but he had admitted he had feelings for my best friend, and I had just started up with Mr. C. He invited my friend K over, and they made out and he started to get intimate with her (the three of us have often fooled around together (sorta drunk, he's slept with her once or twice with me there, and other times they'd engaged in kissing, petting, and some oral stuff all with me there, so it wasn't like they were new to each other or anything.)
However, I found out later, that he had a little performance anxiety and they both felt pretty terrible about it. The whole situation just didn't work out and DH was hurt. Turns out K was really trying to appease me/him. I didn't like that idea at all and told her so. Her and I had a long talk over the following 12 months and we have kind fell into this D/s dynamic although I know precious little about the lifestyle. She is heavily into it, and for some reason, sees me as her Mistress. I love her, but I am still uncomfortable wielding that kind of power over her. Also, neither I nor the hubby wanted her playing a role for either of us, even though it made her happy to do so. Hubby wanted someone who wanted him. Still, K loves me too, and will do anything I ask because it makes her happy to please me. I'm flattered, although I honestly want to see her happy, too.
I suppose I'm pretty domineering in my life, but to be honest, in bed, I prefer to be submissive. Not passive, mind you, but... I dunno. I'm usually not, though. I guess I'm a bit of a control freak. With DH, it works out well, because I trust him enough to be his manly-man self, and prefer being submissive, and he is uncomfortable with women being overly aggressive with him in bed. So, we fit.
With Mr. C, however, things are a bit different. I don't know how sexually compatible we are, but I do enjoy expressing my love, (yes, I do love him) through sex as just one of many ways. He had said that he'd try to be more aggressive with me and I enjoy that, but I sense that it's just not him. And that's fine. But I do still have a desire to just... give myself over to someone in bed, and DH and I... well it's just our routine now.
Wow, got off track a lot from where I wanted to be in this post. Anyway, DH and I talked about how he felt hurt by K not returning his feelings of deep friendship and possibly love as well as sexual attraction. Then, seeing me with Mr. C, and how he and I just worked out well made him insanely jealous. *sigh* At least it was nice to hear him say his realizations in his own words.
The Hubby an D2 have a date for Monday. He'd like to know more about her marital situation, and would like to discuss safety and other things. I expect they'll get cozy as well. As long as he observes safety concerns of mine, I don't have a problem with this. He originally asked if I minded if he saw her Saturday, the same day our flight gets us back home. I thought I had mentioned it yesterday, that I felt I needed him for some family time that day, and to help The Little Man adjust to being back home after a week's vacation. Apparently he "didn't remember" that part of the conversation. Not remembering things still is an issue with him. Regardless, I restated my opinion and fought back the urge to show him how irritated I was about that. He said it was fine and scheduled Monday to meet with her.
I have to admit, I'd be interested to know how D1 took their breakup. She just disappeared, as the Hubby put it, but to be fair, I thought she might have taken him literally when he said that he'd be unavailable for a week or so, and she just never checked her messages or texts or whatever. But again, the effect that her mood swings were having on my dear hubby were very undesirable for ME, heh, so I'm not too upset about the breakup myself. Anyway, glad he's moving along with that.
DH has recognized that his insecurity regarding M is his own, and was finally able to articulate what he needs from me in order to feel secure about our marriage. Although M said that he didn't want to continue unless my husband was okay with things, and felt that was best achieved by meeting with DH in person, I think we will be okay if I explain how DH feels to M.
It's interesting to me that M is very conscious of proceeding only with DH's consent. I'm not entirely sure his wife is aware of me, specifically, but I get the feeling there's an understanding between them. He's talked about swinging, and cuckold/cuckqueaning things vaguely when it comes to his wife. I will ask more about this when I see him next, but I don't get the "broken marriage," or "cheating husband" vibe from him. Also, he mentioned that the last woman he was involved with (while married) was cheating on her husband, and the husband's discovery is what ended M's relationship with this woman. He was pretty hurt by this, obviously, and they had been together for several years. So I imagine he's not eager to repeat that pattern, and have the rug snatched out from underneath him by an angry husband.
Angry Husband. That's the theme of the week, I suppose. I'm not okay with Angry Husbands, but how do I feel about Angry Wives? He always speaks very highly of her. He knows she's gorgeous and exotic and that by "American standards" she's a knockout. He loves her, loves his family life and is very close with his teenage daughter. I like him a lot. I like his communication style. I'm way more attracted to him than I thought I'd be. Oh, I meant to post my narrative about our first date. Someday, I suppose. Anyway, looking forward to getting that off the ground when I get back into town.
And finally, Mr. C. Spending a lot of time talking with DH on this vacation prompted me to touch base with Mr. C, to make sure he was getting everything he needed from me thus far. The other week he confided in me for the first time that he missed his wife. He had no desire to curb any of her other interests in life, nor invade them, but he missed planning their nights and dinners together, and missed "our things," that they'd do together. He was willing to find new "our things," with her, but it didn't seem that she was, and that made him really sad. I wish I could do more than just sympathize and comfort. He said he hates to even think about it let alone bring up how unhappy with that he was because it just makes him want to cry. I wanted to make sure he wasn't keeping anything like that from me, or at least, give him an opportunity to tell me anything like that. He said no, everything was great, and then asked if I felt the same. Now that we have kind of a weekly thing planned for awhile, I'm pretty content, myself.
I just had a thought. What if he was trying to tell me more about his hesitancy to develop deeper feelings for me? Oh sure, he *said* I think I love you, but the way we've never discussed it since kinda brought things back to where we were before, and I've let it rest for now. But what if his recent admission about missing the closeness with his wife is part of one of those larger reasons he stated before, feeling fear that falling in love with me would be unfair to his wife. What if he's afraid that she's growing distant from him and that if he allows himself to feel more for me, he'll grow distant from her, too?
That totally makes sense now. I can't fall in love with you (or at least, I can't admit it to myself,) because then I'll be drawn to you instead of my wife and I don't want to feel that way. In that case... I guess I should really hope for the best as they make their vacation trip out west this weekend. I mean, I did already, but maybe their happiness will open the door for Mr. C. and I to develop deeper feelings as well. *sigh* Why is happiness so elusive for some people?
My goodness, a lot has happened since last I updated. Let's see, where do thing stand right now?
DH and D2 are in love. Or love each other or some such. She's kinda emotionally immature from my perspective and also DH's and I think it was her that actually admitted it in the first place. That isn't really a concern of mine, though. He's dating her, not me.
And now she's pregnant. No, its not my husband's, its HER husband's, and it was planned. DH and her completely abstained from intercourse when she went off the pill and started taking fertility drugs because neither of them wanted there to be ANY doubt as to the parentage of the child. This is very important right now because her husband STILL DOESN'T KNOW about the two of them.
Now, I had some pretty strong feelings about DH dating a "cheater" that have since then got turned upside down and then back around again. DH and D2's plan was to encourage D2's husband to start dating (plan: successful) and then gradually reveal that D2 and DH were dating, but still hide the fact that they already had been. Yeah, good luck with that, was my opinion. No seriously, good luck, because I honestly want him to be happy, but I mean... c'mon. Really? I told him that I hoped that D2's husband would find a date on OKC, be comfortable in his polyship and then completely accept D2's love for my husband, and whatever else, before D2 becomes pregnant, so that my husband can freely go see her when she's on the bed rest stage of the ensuing 9 months.
So, yeah. Hasn't happened yet. But then again, she's probably only 4-6 weeks pregnant. Still... Good luck.
For me, I am still with Mr. C. We were physically intimate around the end of July, and even then he was iffy about being in the mood. Which is fine, of course. However since then he's been in such a funk, I have no idea what to do for him. I tried to do exactly just what he said he needed, which was remind him that he was loved and appreciated, and help him with things to look forward to, like showing extreme enthusiasm for the game he was developing. He's still out-of sorts, though.
Pretty proud of us, though, for how we handled the newest bump in our relationship. Mr. C and I are gamers, and we have a group of friends that we've known since high school, and in the case of some of us, since grade school. A few of us have decided that we'd like to try our hand at playing D&D. We have had several starts at it, having trouble with people that couldn't commit, changes in who wants to DM and who wants to just play a character, etc. But we've been having fun. Mr
C. told me some time last year, that one thing he really enjoyed about the whole thing was that it was something that he and I could share together. I was happy about this.
Well. 'couple weeks ago, he mentioned that for various reasons, his wife might want to join our group. At first, I thought it was a great idea. I liked her as a person, and I knew she had extensive experience with gaming in general, if not that particular type. Plus, it might be a good thing to have another actual female in the dynamic besides myself and my best friend, K.
However, when it came time to start that, I was hit with a wave of emotion. Now his wife was 'invading' something that Mr. C. and I shared. Since he ALSO hasn't seemed interested in sharing in physical intimacy with me recently and has been with his wife, I was concerned he was trying to just replace me in his life in general with his wife. NOW, he would talk with her about it, go to the sessions with her, not me, and generally have her around. My relationship with my metamour E, Mr. C's. wife, has always been pleasant, but neither of us have had desire for it to be more than that. I respect her greatly, and she also respects my relationship with Mr. C. When we're together in a large group, the three of us simply exude that mutual respect for the triad, and we all usually end up happy.
However, this was going to be different. I explained my discomfort to Mr. C. He was understanding and we tried to figure out what to do. All three of us, actually. At one point, E asked Mr. C. If maybe she SHOULDN'T join the group, if was going to strain things. She offered to just drop the whole idea. I was touched and grateful for her offer. Reading a lot more of this site enabled me to really own my own feelings. I told Mr.C. that I didn't think taking something AWAY from anyone would help things, but rather being conscious of adding TO our relationships would be key. I felt like "our thing" was being taken away, but if he and I could make sure we actively work towards having something else that's "our thing," then I could be confident and secure of things. This in place, E attended our next session, and both her and Mr. C. as well as he and I were able to be together with minimal tension (everyone in this small gaming group is aware of and accepts our arrangement to one degree or another. Its really our only quasi-public place we can be together comfortably, which I think was part of my sudden anxiety at having it 'taken away') and then she was able to fully play a (different) game or two with the full group, which also helped everyone become comfortable with this new arrangement, even our friends (who no doubt wondered how we all would be behaving now, at least, as far as they understood things.
So! Despite me missing our physical intimacy a lot, things are firmly in the comfortable zone with me and Mr. C. Pretty proud how open communication and mutual respect worked together on this issue (of mine.). And now Mr. C. gets to spend quality time with his wife (which he admitted that he had been missing recently) as well as with me without shortchanging anyone, and E, my metamour and I can possibly develop a little more of a friendship. Yeah, so this is actually a win-win-win situation, now. Yay! Successful Open and Ethical Non-Monogamy!
Which seems to e the COMPLETE opposite of how thongs are going (or perhaps even NOT going??) with me and M. But that deserves its own entry. Ugh.
TL;DR: Dear Husband and his new gf, D2 are happily in love. D2 and her husband (who doesn't know about her and DH) are pregnant. Mr. C.'s wife, E, is joining us in a mutual, non-sexual group activity and I'm proud of how the three of us openly communicated about things to minimize tension. Not feeling so great about my relationship with M, will explain more next entry.
Okay, so, M. Have I even mentioned M on here? Probably not.
Met M on OCK about... June? Maybe? I forget, now. Hadn't intended to meet anyone online, really, just check out the site as I had heard a lot of good things about it in poly circles. As a woman on OKC, you get bombarded with messages, and you many times have the luxury of picking and choosing at your leisure. So M had messaged me as part of the pack of men who did in the beginning, and back when I felt I had some obligation to politely respond to each and every person who bother to message me, (and later, even bother to read my profile) I had told him something like, look, busy with life, sorry, get back to you later.
When the influx of messages had died down somewhat a few weeks later, he messaged me again, asking if things had opened up in my schedule. I checked out his lengthy profile, which indicated that he was married, and anyone who he would be dating could be assured that he would only date that woman and his wife (commitment to poly-fi, I guess that was). Well, I had been feeling particularly talk-y that day so I engaged him in conversation. We moved things quickly to email, and really hit it off. An almost electric connection on relationship philosophies, sexual preferences, world views, etc.
I was still getting a few, "Hey baby, you sound hot" (I never put up a profile pic) "Wanna hook up? Don't tell my wife." messages, so I amended my profile to indicate that I am not interested in being anyone's dirty little secret, and DO NOT message me if you're trying to cheat on your SO. No judgement, it's your life/marriage, do what you want - it's just not what I'm interested in. Well, M noticed the change immediately, and emailed me to say that he didn't mention that his wife DOESN'T know about him searching for an affair, and worried and apologized if that was a deal-breaker.
In retrospect, I probably should have said, okay, yeah it is, bye.
But we were getting along so well, and I liked him a lot. And I hadn't felt that in... well to be honest, since I met DH. Mr. C. and I hooked up a year and a half ago, but we were already good friends and had heavy flirtations between us since. So I thought about it, and I considered the little fit I threw about DH possibly dating "a cheater," and said that we would see try things and see how it goes. He indicated that his wife probably suspects that he is on OKC, but they haven't talked about it. Oh, but he wants to talk with her.
We'll see, I said. We spent another month or so just talking, and I brought it up to DH too. He flipped out, as usual, because this was *different* than what we had encountered before. He also just started his relationship with D2.
M's native culture was Eastern, completely different from mine. I allowed for the possibility that him having an affair was somewhat of an unspoken norm, and agreed to meet him for dinner. We did and the chemistry between us was HOT. I mean... just amazing. I could not believe how attracted I was to him, and he claimed he felt the same. I went home glowing. We didn't have sex on the first date, but almost. We did on our second one, however, as it was exclusively for that. Our third date included some making out in his car, but also a walk through the forest preserve, some cuddling, and a lot of soul-bearing. And, of course, an admission of Love, on his part. Our dates took awhile to set up, so we had been together for a few months at that point.
Things were going well, DH was adjusting, Mr. C. was adjusting well, and I was deep in NRE. Then M had a sudden change in employment and became really busy. We dealt with it, and he began a job search while still employed and ran out of having a lot of time. We connected some more, and M again confessed his depth of feelings for me, and how amazing it was, our connection.
On our last date, we were making out in his car for a bit, feeling like naughty teenagers. He suddenly asked me to tell him about my husband, and the things I liked about him... in bed. So I obliged. We actually had a serious talk about it, and he brought up the topic of his wife and how he wished he could talk with her like this.
The next day, he became very distant. He told me that he had done a lot of thinking, and that he loved his wife, and although he had affairs before, this one was different and he was seriously examining whether or not he was doing the right thing for himself and his family.
Well of COURSE this wasn't the "right thing." Ugh. I gave him time and space. And he's been "busy." I don't wanna push him, but at the same time, I need to know what's going on with us. I have... other needs.
So with all this time and space, he claims he's not really focusing on his marriage right now. Trying not to think about it. To me, that's not exactly smart right now. That's the main thing right now, isn't it? I've held back from expressing my opinion, which would likely doom the relationship. Still...
I feel so much like strangers connecting in the night with him. Something's gotta give.
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