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-   -   self healing (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49212)

jones 06-26-2013 03:38 PM

self healing
 
Hi everyone, after a very painful and messy break up I need to work on some self healing.

my problems:

I feel it my fault, from what I hear from G, J is perfect in everyway, he cares about her more than me:

speaking to my bf, he says it not my fault, its them so the points I want to work on are:

changing my mind set on it being my fault to not being my fault.

being more positive.

I feel I have been coping a little bit more with what g and j are doing, its hard with him still living here, plus they are having sex now and not being careful with protection. but how do I get to the point where it doesn't bother me at all?

does anyone have any help for me?

london 06-26-2013 04:10 PM

It's just about accepting that sometimes people are simply incompatible, relationships end for that reason and being incompatible is not the fault of anyone. People are allowed to have different needs, change their minds about what their needs are and decide not to be in relationships that they committed to. Instead if trying to shift the blame to them, I'd try and let go of the anger and finger pointing altogether. That's the only way I can envisage moving on in a healthy fashion.

Dagferi 06-26-2013 04:11 PM

My suggestion is either you move out or he needs to move out. It is going to be hard to heal with him flaunting his behavior and thoughts in your face.

Vinceklortho 06-26-2013 04:29 PM

Any healing process is going to require some distance. The more you focus on you and your routine and the less you can think about the other person and what's going on with them, the better off you'll be. I would think that living with the other person wouldn't facilitate a quick healing process.

-VK

jones 06-27-2013 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by london (Post 212004)
It's just about accepting that sometimes people are simply incompatible, relationships end for that reason and being incompatible is not the fault of anyone. People are allowed to have different needs, change their minds about what their needs are and decide not to be in relationships that they committed to. Instead if trying to shift the blame to them, I'd try and let go of the anger and finger pointing altogether. That's the only way I can envisage moving on in a healthy fashion.

thank you, I am feeling better, G feels we don't get on anymore, there are other things as well of course but yes I need to work on the whole 'I hate you because you made G do this'


G did all this hurtful things not J ( she did some but not though g, off her own back) but saying that I don't want friendship with her tbh nothing with her will keep me very happy.

jones 06-27-2013 07:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dagferi (Post 212005)
My suggestion is either you move out or he needs to move out. It is going to be hard to heal with him flaunting his behavior and thoughts in your face.

he needs to move out, he tells me he hates me and doesn't want to be here but yet he hasn't moved out and J won't have him.

jones 06-27-2013 07:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vinceklortho (Post 212010)
Any healing process is going to require some distance. The more you focus on you and your routine and the less you can think about the other person and what's going on with them, the better off you'll be. I would think that living with the other person wouldn't facilitate a quick healing process.

-VK

he spends time away and I see A a lot but we still live together and we just fight all the time, he hates me and tbh I hate him when he treats me like crap.

LovingRadiance 06-27-2013 07:38 PM

Healiing requires space.

Even Maca and I (who are doing very well now) had to live apart for a year to work through the healing process of the damages we had done to one another previously.

If someone is continuing to spew forth venom-then the household is toxic.

Think of it like having an open wound. Would you soak it in a dirty mud puddle and expect it to heal?
Of course not.

Likewise-the wound you want to heal-your heart, your mind, your soul-needs a healthy, clean and safe environment to heal.

nycindie 06-27-2013 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jones (Post 212285)
he needs to move out, he tells me he hates me and doesn't want to be here but yet he hasn't moved out and J won't have him.

A locksmith can come in very handy to help with that.

GalaGirl 06-28-2013 12:46 AM

I don't know how your living arrangements are (ex: a house, an apartment, etc) or how your financial picture is (ex: can you afford to carry the home on your own, own it free it clear, etc) but NOT LIVING TOGETHER would help a lot in your healing process.

Can you move?

GG


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