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-   -   New to all of this (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49188)

melodee1981 06-26-2013 05:06 AM

New to all of this
 
Hi there, I am in kind of a tough place and need advice. I am a married woman in my early thirties and my husband is also the same ago. We have two small children. I love my husband and have such a great bong and connection. However, I have cheated multiple times with multiple people and he only knows of one. I do not want to keep secrets from him but I want to explore an open marriage and jut don't know how to bring up the subject. I found out recently he was talking to an old friend from school and wanted to meet up for drinks one night. I asked about her and he denied any plans. I expressed the fact that I would be okay if he wanted to see her and he just wanted to drop the subject. I guess I just want to know if I'm way out in left field or not.

london 06-26-2013 05:13 AM

The first thing I'd do is work on the marriage. If you struggle to keep commitments to one person, you'll struggle when more people are involved. I understand that you might have cheated because you found monogamy difficult but your marriage still isn't in a place where you are communicating honestly with one another. Bringing people into this kind of situation isn't only unfair on them, but your problems will escalate dramatically with others involved. Work on you guys first, seriously.

Vinceklortho 06-26-2013 05:15 AM

Like you, I'm relatively new to all of this, but I would say that it sounds like you two have deeper issues. I wouldn't look at adding relationships as a balm that will make all that just go away. If I were you, I would feel weird about opening up your relationship when you're still not being completely honest with him. How can you expect to be honest going forward? It's like a boil you've got to lance before you can heal and move on. What you described with the friend suggests to me that he might be having the same issues. That doesn't mean you're ready to open up your relationship; it probably means the opposite. I'd say you need to straighten out things between the two of you before you go adding anyone else into the mix, especially with two small children involved. I just went through a divorce with three small kids, and it tore my heart out.

Honesty. Have it out. One way or another, you'll figure out whether you two should be together. Figure that out first.

VK

melodee1981 06-26-2013 05:18 AM

Thank you for your honest opinions. I really do appreciate it

gorgeouskitten 06-26-2013 01:29 PM

Im going to go out on a limb here and tell you i did bring up poly before 'working on the marriage'. For myself, I knew that i could not work on things with him under the assumption that i wanted to be mono, because i would be unhappy and it wouldnt actually work. before i asked to go poly, we tried a counselor and it was just a horrible awful experience. I decided to just ask/tell him, and go from there. I realize this wouldnt work for everyone...but I knew that if i tried to 'fix' our relationship while he thoguht i wanted only him, i was being dishonest. I dont know if you want more info than that but im happy to talk :)

melodee1981 06-27-2013 01:11 AM

Thanks, I appreciate the honesty. But I am still unsure.

Marcus 06-27-2013 04:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by melodee1981 (Post 212100)
Thanks, I appreciate the honesty. But I am still unsure.

What are you unsure about? Whether or not you want to talk to him or just continue having affairs and lying? Or are you unsure about what is going on with him and his 'date' (he's probably having an affair, by the way)? How long to you intend to keep playing these games with each other?

Either way, if you want your relationship to be even remotely healthy you guys are going to need to cut this lying crap out and actually have a discussion like adults. Guessing and hinting and lying and breaking trust is never going to bring anything but harm.

gorgeouskitten 06-27-2013 02:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 212161)

Either way, if you want your relationship to be even remotely healthy you guys are going to need to cut this lying crap out and actually have a discussion like adults. Guessing and hinting and lying and breaking trust is never going to bring anything but harm.

This. :)

GalaGirl 06-27-2013 06:04 PM

This is hard to say, and maybe hard to hear. But I say it with kind intent, ok? Don't go there like this.


I don't know if reading this could help any.

Quote:

I love my husband and have such a great bond and connection. However, I have cheated multiple times with multiple people and he only knows of one.
Second sentence cancels out "great connection." Could not lie to self about what you have. :(

Quote:

I do not want to keep secrets from him.

You DO keep secrets from him.
If you don't want to do that anymore, could stop it. :(

Quote:

I want to explore an open marriage and jut don't know how to bring up the subject.
Could open mouth or write letter or use other medium to say:

I would like to talk about exploring open marriage with you.

I would like to know if you are willing to participate in some open relationship model of some kind with me or not.

If willing, I would like to talk more with you to assess if we are even ABLE to execute that plan.
I'd like to talk and determine if we each have the skills required to do the HOW. To practice it well if we decide to go there.
And determine WHEN would be the best time to go there.

Are you up for having those kinds of talks with me?


Quote:

I guess I just want to know if I'm way out in left field or not.
If you want to know something only he can answer, you could ASK HIM.

For just YOU? What skills would currently bring to this future open marriage idea?

INTERPERSONAL:
  • At this time, you do not practice full communication/honesty with your current partner. Could improve that.
  • At this time you currently cheat/cheated in past (not sure what it is). Could resolve that.
  • Could decide to practice radical honesty and authenticity in your relationships -- Including your relationship to yourself.
  • You hint around rather than be assertive/direct when trying to communicate with spouse. (the thing about him meeting that woman for drinks.) Could learn to be more assertive and learn to have/hear hard convo. Polyshipping has plenty opportunities for that! Can't do it yet? Could learn.

INTRAPERSONAL:
  • You lie to yourself when you say "I love my husband" and then do less than loving/kind behavior toward him with cheating and lies of omission. Could work on "talk" and "walk" matching better.
  • You lie to yourself when you say you and spouse have a "great bond and connection" when your communication/honesty is weak between you.
  • Could work on not lying to self. It is not self-respecting behavior.
  • Could work on becoming a person of your word.

You could get yourself sorted out before attempting to build something NEW with your husband. Then when you have yourself better together, could ASK him for his willing/able to talk about opening the marriage.

And then NOT rush to open it but spend some time reading resources.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/
http://www.morethantwo.com/

And since you have shared children, before you decide to go there IF you go there? Could draw up your divorce papers and custody papers NOW, notorize, and safety deposit box a copy for each of you.

Because if you cannot talk about it before going there? You don't want to be talking if/when it explodes and end up in bigger mess fighting over children.

If you can't talk about it now when things are "good" between you, could stop to wonder why not.

I would hope your polyshipping experiences are lovely ones -- could align your conduct to increase the odds of that happening.

But going forward like this? You'd be flying wonky. :(

Could not fly like that.

My 2 cents,
Galagirl

bookbug 06-27-2013 06:57 PM

If your marriage is not solid, adding more people into the mix won't be solid either, and is not fair to those other people. I know because I have been one of those other people. The couple I joined didn't have near the obvious problems that your marriage does.

The outcome in my case is that everyone has a broken heart and the couple is divorcing.

I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone.


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