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-   -   Question about career choice or lack thereof (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49173)

JadeDoor 06-25-2013 08:01 PM

Question about career choice or lack thereof
 
I see a lot of threads (been looking around all day, thanks!) where people talk about doing the work to get over your own issues, let go of things, and grow and mature. To do that I think a big part is having your own interests, your own life.

While I feel I have a life and many interests, a lot of those revolve around being in my home. I'm a stay-at-home-mom. I worked for 14 years and then when I was pregnant I quit my job to be home with my child and with my stepkids. I've been a SAHM for nearly four years now. I love it. Wouldn't change a thing.

But how do you think that plays into the "finding yourself" and discovering your own interests and such? Most of my life revolves around the kids, but I have other things I enjoy too of course. And hubby and I have a rule that on date nights with each other we don't talk about the kids. :)

How do you think being a SAHM and being in a rather small world of mostly my house would factor into this lifestyle? Just curious for varying opinions. Thanks!

Marcus 06-25-2013 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JadeDoor (Post 211816)
I've been a SAHM for nearly four years now... hubby and I have a rule that on date nights with each other we don't talk about the kids.

That's an interesting conundrum, why did you decide you wanted to have a "no kid talk" rule in your relations with your partner on date night? That puts you in a bit of a precarious position, was that your idea?

JadeDoor 06-25-2013 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 211824)
That's an interesting conundrum, why did you decide you wanted to have a "no kid talk" rule in your relations with your partner on date night? That puts you in a bit of a precarious position, was that your idea?

actually it was my rule. :) I wanted to make sure that when we get out of the house without the kids we took the time to discuss other things that matter to us. we can talk about the kids when he gets home from work.

I'd rather talk about current events, books we've read, movies we enjoyed.

Marcus 06-25-2013 11:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JadeDoor (Post 211849)
I'd rather talk about current events, books we've read, movies we enjoyed.

Sounds like fun.

However, this being the case, I'm not sure I understand what your concern is? Can you be a bit more explicit about what your are searching for from this thread?

JadeDoor 06-26-2013 12:21 AM

hmmm. I think my main concern is that as a SAHM my world is mostly within the house. or online. Wouldn't that limit this self growth that people are seeking? I wonder what I would bring to the table in terms of interests and such as so much of my life is spent with kids. haha

LovingRadiance 06-26-2013 12:26 AM

I have been a sahm for years. It actually has the benefit of allowing me to be more real with myself, my life and my potential dates.

I also have a "no kid talk" rule during dates with hubby. :)
It's a chance for us to DATE again-instead of focus on our job as parents. ;)

I don't think being a sahm has to be a negative or a positive thing regarding poly. It does mean you need to be AWARE and actually PLAN to go do things without the kids.

I have a rule for myself, I don't date people who haven't already become "friends of the family" anyway. Until I know that they are on par as friends, can understand and personally accept my dedication to my kids, and my partners-they aren't an option as someone for me to date.
My kids are my world, so people need to be able to be kid-friendly before dating me would be realistic. :)

Marcus 06-26-2013 01:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JadeDoor (Post 211864)
hmmm. I think my main concern is that as a SAHM my world is mostly within the house. or online. Wouldn't that limit this self growth that people are seeking? I wonder what I would bring to the table in terms of interests and such as so much of my life is spent with kids. haha

I don't know... what do you bring to the table?

Do you have interests? Friends? Hobbies? If not I'm still really curious exactly what your plan was when you excluded from your date night the one topic you have ANY input on.

Is your post a request to help you find interests?

Malfunktions 06-26-2013 01:37 AM

As a SAHM myself I can 100% relate to your situation. I started life as a non-monogamous being straight out of the gates and had tried for years off and on to be mono. Then one day Crux and I's life changed. Pregnant. We were mono for 6 years until I realized I didn't even know who I was anymore. I felt segregated to the mommy life and had a need for time off from them. Even Crux said i was more than welcome to go out and have friends but i didnt.
After discovering this site I determined I was poly. I love Crux dearly and he's been so good with all of this. I am much happier and balanced now I find because I am making new attachments that keep me in the real world not just in mommy land. My children are and always will be número UNO in my books but now I have a reason to hit the coffee shops to gab with new friends and dates to go on.
It's really been paramount, this discovery.

Hope this helps :)

YouAreHere 06-26-2013 01:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 211872)
I'm still really curious exactly what your plan was when you excluded from your date night the one topic you have ANY input on.

When I was married, and for most of my friends who are parents, it can sometimes become ALL you talk about. You both share the interest, yes, but it becomes about the kids and nothing about you anymore. Over time, you can end up having a harder time relating to each other on non-kid issues.

I can see the allure in having date nights where you have to find something ELSE to talk about... you get to remember who you are again, and how you relate as a couple, rather than as co-parents.

Marcus 06-26-2013 01:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YouAreHere (Post 211882)
I can see the allure in having date nights where you have to find something ELSE to talk about... you get to remember who you are again, and how you relate as a couple, rather than as co-parents.

I dig all of that. The problem (if this is really a problem) is that there isn't much to talk about on date night because that's how it was designed. I'm just curious as to what the goal of this thread is.

If the date night rule is not to discuss "x"... I suggest finding something other than "x" that you are interested in. Is there another plan?


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