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-   -   Introducing my girlfriend to non-monogamy, need some help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49169)

NonMono 06-25-2013 06:38 PM

Introducing my girlfriend to non-monogamy, need some help
Background: I'm a male in my mid-twenties, and I've been in a relationship with my current girlfriend (also in her mid-twenties) for about two years now. Everything is going well. We are happy, have a great sex life, and have very little conflict in our lives. We have no kids, property, or marriages to worry about.

I've had non-monogamous feelings for pretty much my entire adult life, and I've dealt with that with serial monogamy. I'm done repressing my honest feelings, though, and I've spent the last couple months researching and reading all about how to have happy and healthy non-monogamous relationships.

In a few weeks, I plan on having a serious talk with my girlfriend about my feelings. In preparation, I wrote up something of a script for me to follow when I start the conversation. I want to be clear that I love her, will continue to love her, and have no intention on leaving her or cheating.

Could you all read through my script, and let me know if you think anything should be tweaked, added, or removed? Any advice would be appreciated.

First and foremost, I love you. I want to continue to be with you, and Iíve only grown more attracted to you as a person as Iíve known you longer.

I find you attractive physically, sexually, psychologically, and emotionally. I think we have a connection that is very rarely found between two people.

I love you for who you are, and I only want the best for you, me, and us. Youíve made enormous steps forward in making your life better, and I admire you and your courage.

I want you, I love you, and Iím pretty sure you feel the same way towards me. Under no circumstance should this discussion be construed as a desire to break-up or become less attached. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Iím using this script-of-sorts as a way of opening up a discussion for us. Iím not making demands or expecting anything to change overnight. This is as sincere and open as I can possibly be, and I have gone to great lengths to think this through. Iím presenting these ideas to you in the hopes that youíll understand where Iím coming from.

This is not an indictment of you and your choices, me and my choices, or the quality of our relationship. I am actually quite pleased with how our physical and emotional relationship has continued to grow. Iím having the best sex of my life with you, and I feel like weíre closer than ever as a couple.

My desires:

As youíre well aware, I am extremely sexually aroused at the idea of sex with multiple people. Our shared sexual exploration and fantasy-play has lead me to believe that this is a turn-on for you too.

Instead of feeling jealous when I think about you with another man or woman, I feel what is called ďcompersion.Ē I wasnít familiar with the word until recently, so I wonít assume you know the definition either. Fundamentally, compersion is the opposite of jealousy. Itís an appreciation of the happiness of other people. When I think of you fucking another person, itís a turn on. Period. I donít feel jealously like Iím told Iím supposed to feel.

I, too, find the idea of having sex with other women extremely arousing. I find the idea of having group sex arousing. I am aroused at the idea of watching you have sex.

Under no circumstance will I ever consider cheating a viable action. Lying and going behind my loved oneís back is the opposite of how I live my life. Itís unethical, disgusting, and demeaning to everyone involved.

Iím aware of how poorly your attempt went in a previous relationship to bring another girl into the equation. Iím aware we have both expressed concerns about non-monogamous sex before. Iím aware of what our society expects from relationships and sex. Still, my desires havenít subsided in the least, so I went looking for answers.

My research:

Despite being told over and over again by supposed experts that exclusively monogamous coupling is the only healthy kind of relationship, I knew deep down that canít be right. Instead of rashly jumping to conclusions, I started looking at the information available. There are many resources to pull from, and Iíve tried to absorb as much information as possible.

Iíve read three wonderful books talking about human sexuality, and they have opened my eyes and heart to the possibility that humans can, in fact, have many meaningful sexual relationships without sacrificing anything.

First, I read Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. This book focuses mainly on realizing that you have specific sexual desires for multiple sexual and/or relationship configurations, and how to deal with that in your environment.

Next, I read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. This book talks all about the feelings and realities about being sexually open in any configuration. Itís extremely well written, and helped me come to terms with my feelings.

Thirdly, I read Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda JethŠ. This provides a scientific explanation about human sexuality and evolution. This was the nail in the coffin for me. Humans donít have to be exclusively monogamous to be happy. What other supposed sex experts have been saying isnít actually based in fact. The idea that human beings can only be happy and healthy in monogamous pairings is patently false, and there is massive amounts of evidence to prove it. After reading Sex at Dawn, I knew for sure this was what felt right for me.

In addition, I also listened to real world experiences with non-monogamy on the podcasts ďLife on the SwingsetĒ and ďPedestrian Polyamory.Ē It was very heartening to hear from regular people who feel the same way that I do.

While problems obviously still exist for people practicing non-monogamy, following your heart, and being completely open about your feelings to your loved ones are the only ways to find happiness and fulfillment.

My requests:

Before we start to make any sort of agreements or decisions, I want to hear about your concerns. Your feelings matter to me. I want you to be completely honest, and hopefully I will be able to respond intelligently about any specific questions you have.

Next, I ask that you read the three books that I did: Opening Up, The Ethical Slut, and Sex at Dawn. These books are filled to the brim with answers and information, and I think itís important to use these resources before making any decisions about our way forward. I already own them in audiobook form, but Iíd be happy to buy them in any format you prefer.

I encourage us to have multiple discussions about this topic, and Iím completely willing to see your therapist if you so choose. Nothing needs to happen right now, and I donít want to pressure you into anything youíre not comfortable with. All I ask is that you have an open mind, speak honestly with me, and take this slowly with your hand placed firmly in mine.

nancyfore 06-25-2013 11:34 PM

Are you asking her to allow you multiple sex partners? or polyamorous relationships? Will she be able to have the same opportunities as you? Have you thought about what your going to do if she says "no, in no way will I participate in this."?

Marcus 06-25-2013 11:48 PM


Originally Posted by NonMono (Post 211798)
Could you all read through my script, and let me know if you think anything should be tweaked, added, or removed? Any advice would be appreciated.

I would tweak and remove the fact that you've written a 'script' if said script is expected to have any bearing on what you imagine a 'conversation' to be like. This reads like a plea to a judge, not a conversation with a human.

Honestly I'd say dial it WAY down unless your girlfriend is an attorney and generally has conversations in which she rips you to shreds about your supporting documentation. Just try to be honest about your worldview and try not to convince her that she needs to change hers.

...note that "don't try to change her worldview" part

PaulDrakket 06-26-2013 01:45 AM

Just speak, don't bring a script
A lot of the stuff you have in that proposed script is awesome, but if you're reading off a paper, the conversation losses its organic feel. Moreover, the amount of stuff you have packed in there could span multiple conversations. Especially with a topic like poly, people usually take time to process and think stuff out; dumping it all at once might be a bit much. My advice is as follows: just speak, converse, do what comes naturally to you with this person and open up. You wrote (or typed, I guess) that stuff, and it's all floating around in your head. You don't need to have it physically in front of you to communicate it, just let it flow.

YouAreHere 06-26-2013 02:00 AM

I could maybe see using this type of thing if you and your GF were long-distance and you communicated better through email (although I will admit that if it were me, I'd read the first few paragraphs, think, "OMG, what is he getting at?" and skip ahead to the meat of the post). In conversation, we can plan it to death and it still will take that left turn in Albuquerque and leave us without "the script".

Having the nuggets you want to address, and bringing those up, then letting the conversation go where it may is probably your best bet. If you have trouble responding off the cuff, there's nothing wrong with saying that you have to process it and you can bring it back up later. Nothing says you have to wrap this up in one shot (and chances are you won't).

Marcus 06-26-2013 02:04 AM


Originally Posted by YouAreHere (Post 211889)
Nothing says you have to wrap this up in one shot (and chances are you won't).

If it is wrapped up in one conversation I would say that is no good for the home team, because she probably said "NOPE"

YouAreHere 06-26-2013 02:05 AM


Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 211891)
If it is wrapped up in one conversation I would say that is no good for the home team, because she probably said "NOPE"

Damned good point. Here. Have a beer. ;)

london 06-26-2013 05:16 AM

I think you also have to be aware that although her fucking another guy might be a turn on, you might not feel the same about her loving another guy.

gorgeouskitten 06-26-2013 01:22 PM


Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 211891)
If it is wrapped up in one conversation I would say that is no good for the home team, because she probably said "NOPE"

Agree with Marcus! This took us many many many convos, and the first time he said no...then he said he'd divorce me...then he said yes but no sex....then he said i love you, want to stay married to you and lets gives this a shot. We are happy, and my BF (who yes i do have sex with ) and his spouse just came over last night. It takes a great deal of work, but I think youre having done the research and reading and explored your own needs is great. It is important to convey that you love this person, but you feel this is who you are and forcing yourself into monogamy is not good for either of you (and neither is serial monogamy)

nycindie 06-26-2013 01:46 PM

A script? Seriously?

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