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-   -   New to this at 30, hoping to find help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49168)

JadeDoor 06-25-2013 05:18 PM

New to this at 30, hoping to find help
 
Hi everyone. I don't know all the abbreviations yet so forgive me. I'm a 30yo/f who has been married 5 years now to a 35yo/m. We have kids together and live a pretty normal life. Right before I met my husband I reconnected with an old friend who was living a poly lifestyle. It was something I was always curious about and so I started talking to him and his partner more about it. I was starting to become very interested and realizing this was something I wanted to work on too when I met my husband who was very much NOT that way. In the interest of making him comfortable, I gave up my dreams of having other relationships.

He and I have been through a LOT in our five years of marriage and have realized that we love each other enough to make compromises for one another. I recently let him go on a date with another woman, someone I am friends with who I know he's attracted to. It went really well and he had a lot of fun. He came home and said it made him realize how much he loves me and how he wants to make me happy. He agreed to give this all a try.

For now I am just letting him date. I feel like it would get too complicated if we both jumped right into it. Especially since he was the one against it at first.

Neither one of us is sure exactly what we're looking for yet. Not just sex. We'd like relationships. A "best friends with benefits" type of relationship perhaps? I don't even know if that exists really, but we are trying to figure it all out. With the kids and my husband's ex wife (he has children from a previous relationship with her and we have a child together as well) we can't be very open about all this right now and so we're not looking for people to move in with us at this point. It would have to always be more of a dating relationship with him and I being each other's primaries.

Anyway, I feel like I've babbled enough. Feel free to ask whatever you'd like. I am here to learn and grow and find what I'm looking for. :)

kdt26417 06-25-2013 11:19 PM

Hi JadeDoor,
Welcome to our forum.

How long do you think you'll wait before you start dating as well as your husband? Will you be more openly poly after the kids are grown?

Hope you'll enjoy your time on our site. You might find the Life stories and blogs board to be especially helpful.

Glad to have you aboard,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

JadeDoor 06-26-2013 12:31 PM

I've been stalking the board all day yesterday, but I will check out that section too, thanks. :)

I don't have a set time limit on how long it will take me to date.... The woman DH is seeing is a close friend of mine and right now the three of us are content to see how this goes and work on becoming a unit of sorts together. So I guess when we get THAT part figured out, I'd be looking for someone myself. Or open to finding someone.

I don't think there will ever be a time we can be openly poly with our family. Maybe a situation where they MEET our significant others as friends or something or roommates, but.... even when the kids are grown that would be very hard for our family and some of our more religious friends who we are very close with.

kdt26417 06-26-2013 07:57 PM

Yeah, that's tough when you have to stay closeted, and some families just wouldn't be able to handle that kind of knowledge.

Sounds like you've got a fairly happy situation for the moment.

Regards,
Kevin T.

nycindie 06-27-2013 02:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JadeDoor (Post 211791)
He and I have been through a LOT in our five years of marriage and have realized that we love each other enough to make compromises for one another. I recently let him go on a date . . . He agreed to give this all a try.

For now I am just letting him date.

Just want to point out that he is a grown man and made his choice to date someone. He isn't a boy who needs your permission -- he's your partner. You didn't actually "let him" do anything. What you did do, was to accept that he wanted to go on the date, let him know that you were okay with it, and agree with him that your marriage is strong enough that you can support each other having multiple relationships.

The distinction between the two concepts is an important one. One is about ownership and codependency, the other is about partnership and autonomy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JadeDoor (Post 211791)
Neither one of us is sure exactly what we're looking for yet. Not just sex. We'd like relationships. A "best friends with benefits" type of relationship perhaps? I don't even know if that exists really, but we are trying to figure it all out.

It's perfectly fine not to know exactly what you want. Just stay open to possibilities and expect the unexpected! And certainly, FWB situations are a reasonable want, and totally possible.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JadeDoor (Post 211791)
. . . we're not looking for people to move in with us at this point.

Polyamory definitely does NOT require everyone all living together!! Many polyfolk would run quickly away from that scenario - so you shouldn't think you're supposed to shoot for that, as if it's the poly "norm." Either one of you (or both) could wind up in relationships with folks who are also married or partnered, or happily independent and solo, and just not into being part of a tribe.

There are so many possibilities and so many opportunities to discover yourself! Enjoy the journey!

Morava 06-27-2013 02:24 PM

andaazz the
 
We are new to this as well I am going to be 30 Sunday and we have been together for 16 years. We decided to find another couple and it moved fast. i don't regret a bit of it, we just connected very well, so maybe you could find another couple so neither of you feel left out. I almost gave up being poly because it's easier for a girl to find a date than a guy and he almost gave up and I didn't want to leave him in the cold.

JadeDoor 06-27-2013 09:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 212117)
Just want to point out that he is a grown man and made his choice to date someone. He isn't a boy who needs your permission -- he's your partner. You didn't actually "let him" do anything. What you did do, was to accept that he wanted to go on the date, let him know that you were okay with it, and agree with him that your marriage is strong enough that you can support each other having multiple relationships.

The distinction between the two concepts is an important one. One is about ownership and codependency, the other is about partnership and autonomy.

I get what you're saying and take your point. I feel like it's a bit too much about semantics for me, though. Had I not been okay with him going on a date, he would not have done so. I think of it as allowing, but at the same time I don't feel controlling of him, nor him of I. I feel, for me, it's the feelings behind it and the actions, not the words themselves. Words are meaningless without action.



Thank you so much for the rest of your advice too. That's very helpful to know that the FWB is not entirely out of reach. though, knowing my husband and I emotionally like I do, I have a feeling that we won't be sticking to that for long, that relationships will become deeper than that. The woman he's dating is someone he's known a very long time and has a deep connection to. I don't see them NOT falling in love. :)

Magdlyn 06-29-2013 07:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JadeDoor (Post 212303)
That's very helpful to know that the FWB is not entirely out of reach. though, knowing my husband and I emotionally like I do, I have a feeling that we won't be sticking to that for long, that relationships will become deeper than that. The woman he's dating is someone he's known a very long time and has a deep connection to. I don't see them NOT falling in love. :)

Aha. So this woman he's "known a very long time" is his ex wife, and neither of you really want FWBs, maybe that was just a safety thing to deflect some jealousy and insecurity for a while.

JadeDoor 06-29-2013 08:18 PM

correct. his ex wife. he at first said he only wanted FWB for him and I. he knew I wanted something deeper. I was the one who suggested his ex because I know him better than he knows himself. lol. and now of course it's turned into him wanting more with his ex than just FWB. so that's a good thing because he sees where I was coming from.


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