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-   -   Am I expecting 'too much' conversation? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49162)

gorgeouskitten 06-25-2013 01:17 PM

Am I expecting 'too much' conversation?
 
Ok, so sorry i've posted a lot but im still new to this and working out all the kinks (no pun intended, the kink parts work great. haha.) BF and I have been together a few months, we both say I love you and really enjoy our time together, which is usually one night from like 6 to 10pm and one other night for an hour or so. We have just very very recently added the occasional weekend day or over night (we are both married, as a refresher).

So here's my thing, I feel like we are at a place in our relationship where we would at least speak daily, tel each other whats on our minds, what we have going on, or just discuss current events. We actually work together, but time to speak is limited to 5-10 minutes, and lunches have been more rare lately. So im feeling like we need t owork in phone calls, or texts, or something during the day where we can talk a little more just to have that connection. But then I wonder, is this not how poly works? Should I be happy with the time we have, and then expect my husband to fill in (to the best hecan) all my other needs? Like, its ok i barely talked to BF yesterday, because I had a good convo with hubs last night? Im hesitant to raise this with BF because hes very protective of his time, but I think its a reasonable relationship need.
What do you all think?

london 06-25-2013 01:42 PM

I wrote a long reply and it got lost, I'll summarise. You need to understand that he needs to not have daily contact and he needs to understand that you do. The compromise would be to ensure that two or the days don't pass without contact.

Dagferi 06-25-2013 02:36 PM

Not everyone has the same communication style.

Marcus 06-25-2013 02:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten (Post 211735)
But then I wonder, is this not how poly works?

While there might be some solutions that you have access to which monogamous folks wouldn't necessarily have, this is not a poly specific problem. This is just a common relationship situation which everyone should consider (though they rarely seem to).

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten (Post 211735)
I feel like we are at a place in our relationship where we would at least speak daily

Which manual are you using? I have the 2004 Edition which says that once a couple has been dating 2 months they "should be communicating at least once per day".

This classification you are putting on your relationship is imaginary and is probably caused by the central issue. The central issue being your fear of being alone and tasking others with fixing this for you. Some people are ok with this level of being meshed with another life form but (as you are discovering currently) not everyone will endure it for long.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten (Post 211735)
Should I be happy with the time we have, and then expect my husband to fill in (to the best hecan) all my other needs?

Why does anyone need to take care of this for you? What list of needs to you have which the people around you should feel compelled to check off for you? I would strongly suggest you stop looking at people as items to plug into your fear of being alone.

While you consider your emotional issues something that other people need to fix you are going to continue to have this problem. Take a look at your list of "needs", consider for a moment what a "need" is, look at the list again and see if there are any actual "needs" on there. Chances are it is a list of emotional insecurity issues which you are confusing as needs and are further confusing as someone elses to deal with.
1. Take FULL authority and responsibility over your feelings and actions
I didn't list any other steps you should take because if you can figure this one out I think you'll find that many of the issues you are having will magically fall off of your radar.

The fear of being alone is pretty much universal as far as I can tell. I consider myself to be a pretty self-reliant human but I periodically find that the fear of being alone is clouding my actions and I have to do a kind of personal inventory to get myself pointing in the right direction again. It's normal to feel this way but making it someone elses problem is just going to exacerbate the issue.

BoringGuy 06-25-2013 03:00 PM

I consider that a "like", not a "need".

Some people aren't into talking for talking's sake just to "have a connection". Perhaps texting? You can pick up the text and send one back whenever, & don't have to drop what you're doing and break your focus and re-focus over and over. Some people can't function optimally like that, it fucks up their shit when they get into something and get interrupted.

I don't know him, i don't know you. But if this is a very important priority in order to be in a relationship with someone, you need to either reevaluate whether this is a relationship you want to sustain anyway because the good things are worth overlooking this, or reevaluate your priorities. You probably won't get him to change, even if he gives in to your request, you won't feel fulfilled bythose phone conversations if he's not into them of his own enthusiasm.

Dagferi 06-25-2013 03:03 PM

What Marcus said.. it is not your boyfriends job to cater to your every relationship want in order to make you feel secure.

gorgeouskitten 06-25-2013 03:18 PM

Well put Marcus,but do you think that it is fear of being alone that is what makes me feel a disconnect from him at all? I have formed a habit of reminding myself in my head that my partners love me regardless of where they are, what they are doing, or what mood they are in. (yes im an anxious person, im working on it :/ i wotn going into insane detail, but i was raised by a bipolar woman and have attachement issues) I really dont want to be overly needy, to either of them. Yet, I get a strong desire to just connect with BF when it feels it has waned. Of coruse, im also antsy we havent had sex in over a week and i guess thats a seperate thing all together.,,,

gorgeouskitten 06-25-2013 03:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 211751)
I consider that a "like", not a "need".


I don't know him, i don't know you. But if this is a very important priority in order to be in a relationship with someone, you need to either reevaluate whether this is a relationship you want to sustain anyway because the good things are worth overlooking this, or reevaluate your priorities. You probably won't get him to change, even if he gives in to your request, you won't feel fulfilled bythose phone conversations if he's not into them of his own enthusiasm.

point taken!

ALso as many of you are saying, i realize my partners can not meet every want or whim of mine, but i do see the harm in broaching some of them and negotiating

Dagferi 06-25-2013 03:23 PM

It is no one's job to make you comfortable in your own skin but yours.

london 06-25-2013 03:53 PM

This is not a fundamental incompatibility like if you needed to have children with all your partners for it to be a serious relationship, and your partner didn't want children. This is a really small thing that takes next to no adaptation. I agree that it isn't your partner's job to fulfill your every little whim, however, I do believe that in a relationship, each partner does have a responsibility to meet the reasonable needs of one another. If we take the baby situation I mentioned, it would not be reasonable for your partner to abandon his desire to not ever have children, in order to meet yours of having children. That just means that your relationship has no future, your long term needs are totally incompatible.

Something relatively small like this takes minimal compromise on both sides. There isn't a right or wrong about how much contact partners should have, you just simply have to acknowledge that you have different needs. Whatever the reason for you having those needs, you have them. Now, unless your partner is absolutely opposed to any more contact than you have because it goes against the nature of his very being, then perhaps you have to either like it or lump it. I doubt your partner feels as strongly as that though, that's why I suggested a compromise. Something that your partner feels they can realistically meet but that still allows him space, and more importantly, for you to develop security. You have to acknowledge that he needs something different to you too, though, and that means sticking to not being in contact every single day, all day. Every other day sounds reasonable to me. You also have to accept that often, it might be just a short message of acknowledgement rather than a full conversation. Compromise on both sides.


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