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-   -   wife has left me for her boyfriend (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49160)

zappafreak 06-25-2013 12:08 PM

wife has left me for her boyfriend
 
My wife of 15 years started dating a guy about 5 weeks ago. He was very good for her in many ways, and I was happy for her, but then she started seeing him a lot. We talked about scheduling, and I thought we had things under control, but she just kept pushing boundaries. The main reason for the scheduling is that we have an 8yr old daughter and I felt that she wasn't getting enough family time.

I travel quite a lot for work, and last week when I was out of town... she had told me she wouldn't see him more than a few times. I was getting concerned as she seemed to be getting completely lost in him. Our communication while I was gone was dropping off, normally she would talk to me quite a lot through text and all, but it turned out she spent 4 days in a row with him. I was upset by this, because she was losing her focus on us...and on the 4th day (I was still out of town), when I pressed her on the situation, I get this text...

I still love you and I want us to stay best friends, but I don't think I want you to be my husband any more.

This was just over a week ago (actually Father's Day, nice touch). I have been struggling with this in a big way for the last week, trying very hard to get her to consider working on our marriage...but she has been adamant that this is what she needs. I tried to get her to consider that she was being swept up in NRE and this isn't the right choice...but she is sure that she is doing what is right for her.

She just moved out of the house 2 days ago, and the very first day she is introducing the new man to her family. I feel very left behind and replaced, and quite frankly...rather depressed about the whole thing. I am finally accepting that this is happening, and now I am learning how to deal with it.

My wife has told me that she decided she didn't want to be poly because she found such a fulfilling relationship with one person. My wife and I were certainly not perfect together, but we were far from bad.. and the love we shared with our daughter was very close and bonding for us. The main thing that drew us apart was that she has had many health issues, and I am an active outdoors enthusiast. I was finding myself resentful about this a few years ago, but in becoming poly and reaching out to other partners I found a good balance in my life. I never wanted to leave my family, and was never looking to replace my wife...but I think in her mind she feels that she has found someone that loves her more than I have and that was a better thing for her. I was happy for her, but I was very surprised that she went this direction. My worst concern was that she might be spending more and more time with him and want me to become a secondary. .. and I didn't know if I would be OK with that. In the end, I felt like I would be accommodating for many different scenarios if we could keep the family together, but she just wasnt interested.

As you might imagine, this has left me with a bit of confusion. We got into poly as a way to round out our marriage. Now that this is coming to an end, it makes me question if poly is right for me. I still have a GF that I love very much, and she shares in my activities as well. She is married, so I have limited time with her. She believes that I should try and find a new primary partner, but she is concerned that I will have trouble dating if I have to tell potential partners that I am already seeing someone. Additionally, she is concerned about the dynamic changing and her becoming less important to me.

I am very broken up over what has happened to my family. I am also very fortunate to have such a kind an understanding GF that has been helping me through these tough times. I just am not sure where to go from here...

Feeling a bit lost and unsure about what is important to me in relationships at this point. I haven't questioned things before now... but with my wife no longer in the picture, is poly still right for me?

gorgeouskitten 06-25-2013 12:37 PM

Wow....my heart goes out to you man. This is a very crushing situation. This could have happened to my husband and I, heres how it went down for us. I asked him to be poly, we actually werent doing that hot (i wont go into it) and I had strong feelings for a good friend of mine, but I did not want to leave my husband (my friend is married, hubs and I have kids). While hubs decided if he'd stay with me or not, because I told him i was poly with or without him and it wasnt fair to him for me to force mono, BF and i discussed exactly what you are saying with you and GF. If my husband had left, I would have wanted so much from BF because I didnt have a primary anymore, and he has a wife to support so he could only be 'so much' of a primary to me. I was terrified of trying to find a primary while also dating someone already.
Here are stories diverge, as i was lucky that my hubs decided to stay and I didnt have to go through that, but my point is I know what you are feeling.

As to your wife, it sounds to me like perhaps she was never poly in the first place? As much as I adore BF, i would not have left hubs for him except maybe at some of my lowest points but I was able to work through those 1)for my kids and 2)because BF was married. I also caqme to terms with the fact that mono just isnt for me.

SO how do you decide? Picture yourself when you were mono...or being mono with someone you deeply care about...and if you'd still feelign the urge for outside love/sex. I know i would. I also reccomend reading the book The Ethical Slut and checking out the website morethantwo.com
good luck, and I hope things turn out for the best for you

london 06-25-2013 01:27 PM

I think the meet your soulmate and go mono thing is a risk in all poly relationships. How big that risk is depends on the individual. For me, there is a high risk that a married man in an unfulfilled relationship who is trying to compensate for that lack of fulfilment by opening his relationship is high risk. This is following the logic that when he was happily married, he didn't need others, and if he becomes happy with me, he may expect monogamy. It's far easier not to have negative feelings about a partner you have dwindling affection for seeing other people. Anyway, it's a risk.

I don't think you should give up on polyamory because this happened to you. Just remember this risk I keep on about and assess potential partners for how likely they are to need monogamy in a serious relationship, or more importantly, need you to be monogamous, regardless of what they wish to do. I disagree with the idea of you not telling people about you being poly. I suggest you limit your dating pool to poly people. There is less chance of the risk coming back into play and more chance if you sustaining the relationship you have with your girlfriend. Have some time to heal and stabalise things and then join some dating sites and three like. There are poly people out there. You just have to hunt them down.

Marcus 06-25-2013 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zappafreak (Post 211726)
We talked about scheduling, and I thought we had things under control, but she just kept pushing boundaries. The main reason for the scheduling is that we have an 8yr old daughter and I felt that she wasn't getting enough family time.

Your biggest concern over how much time she spends with this guy is how much time she's spending with your daughter? Do you feel like this is entirely honest?

I ask, because it sounds like total bullshit to me, and that you are trying to find an excuse for your attempt to control her actions.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zappafreak (Post 211726)
I have been struggling with this in a big way for the last week, trying very hard to get her to consider working on our marriage...but she has been adamant that this is what she needs. I tried to get her to consider that she was being swept up in NRE and this isn't the right choice...but she is sure that she is doing what is right for her.

You don't know what the right choice is for her, or anyone who isn't you. From your perspective she may be making a mistake and you are certainly entitled to have an opinion, but it doesn't change the reality that she is the master of her own destiny (as you are yours).

Your job at this stage of the relationship is the same as it should have been every step of the way:

1. Take authority and responsibility for your feelings and actions
2. Know that *everyone* has sole authority over their own feelings and actions

That is the cold reality of it. You don't have any say over how much time your partner spends doing what, you have no say over how "deep" they get into someone else, you have exactly no say over anything about how they live their life. All you get to do is decide how to live yours.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zappafreak (Post 211726)
I feel very left behind and replaced, and quite frankly...rather depressed about the whole thing. I am finally accepting that this is happening, and now I am learning how to deal with it.

Dude, you just got freaking dumped and you're feeling "rather" depressed? I know you are trying to be mature about all of this but my heart would be shattered into a thousand little shards if IV told me to screw. I'd do my best to recover gracefully and would hopefully pick myself up sooner rather than later, but that shit hurts!

That kind of loss sucks and I've never found anything to really fix it. Maintaining focus on reality and not over emotionalizing what is going on is certainly helpful - but that's easier said than done.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zappafreak (Post 211726)
My worst concern was that she might be spending more and more time with him and want me to become a secondary. .. and I didn't know if I would be OK with that.

For the sake of your future relationships I would take a look at this if I were you. Being concerned about rank will only work in hierarchical relationship setups (primary/secondary). While this arrangement seems to be enough for some people I recommend avoiding this kind of power struggle with your loved ones.

You want rank, join the army; you want loving relationships, respect each others independence and be gracious for what you get.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zappafreak (Post 211726)
We got into poly as a way to round out our marriage. Now that this is coming to an end, it makes me question if poly is right for me... but with my wife no longer in the picture, is poly still right for me?.

Reality check:

1. Breakups happen, that is just a fact of life. Breakups happen in monogamous relationships just like polyamorous ones (certainly in hierarchical poly setups).
2. Polyamory is not right for your ex
3. You are highly emotional at the moment; coming to major worldview decisions might be better left for a time when you have your rational mind about you. Concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other for now

Quote:

Originally Posted by zappafreak (Post 211726)
I am very broken up over what has happened to my family. I am also very fortunate to have such a kind an understanding GF that has been helping me through these tough times. I just am not sure where to go from here...

Yes you are sir. I love me some polyamory...

gorgeouskitten 06-25-2013 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 211742)



Yes you are sir. I love me some polyamory...

Marcus, you are just always all kinds of awesome.

Dagferi 06-25-2013 02:34 PM

She has only been with him 5 weeks she may be back.

Adding more people to a relationship already on shaky ground usually ends badly.

BoringGuy 06-25-2013 02:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten (Post 211743)
Marcus, you are just always all kids of awesome.

You should see his shrunken-head collection.

OP, your post made me feel like i was punched in the stomach. Getting dumped sucks; getting dumped the way she did it was one of the worst ways... Long distance in text message and the nerve to say she wants to be "best friends" in it? I can't figure out which is the insult and which is the injury. It must suck to be you right now. Real sorry. I don't think this is the time to "decide" if "poly is right" for you. I would be trying to wrap myself around regrouping what i have going on right now instead of wondering about the next thing or the rest of your life.

Natja 06-25-2013 03:10 PM

So sorry to hear this OP, it truly does suck and like others have said, perhaps now isn't the time to worry about being Poly, just take the time to recover. xx

gorgeouskitten 06-25-2013 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dagferi (Post 211745)
She has only been with him 5 weeks she may be back.

Adding more people to a relationship already on shaky ground usually ends badly.

Agreed. the first time, before i realized i wanted to be poly ( i consider it as 'identifying' as poly, but thats just me) I DID leave my husband...for a few months, then we got back together. (thank god. hes awesome).

gorgeouskitten 06-25-2013 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 211747)
You should see his shrunken-head collection.

sounds dirty


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