Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   Giving it a shot! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=491)

jewelsymom 07-18-2009 02:36 AM

Giving it a shot!
 
Hello fellow open minded, big-hearted people! New to this "polyamory" idea, as many here are, I am finding the posts and information could have easily come straight from my own thoughts. I really didn't know that I was not alone in the way I feel.

I admit that I have often felt alone and weird or different or just plain wrong! I LOVE my husband more everyday. He is a wonderful man that inspires me, challenges me, and adores me. He is my main man, without a doubt!

We've been married/together for 10 years and love each other dearly. The problem arises when my big loving heart falls in love. I have never found a way to make this acceptable. It has always been wrong in my mind. I never had the right words and it always ended up feeling like I was asking to cheat on my husband.

I've never cheated and I continue to be honest and open with my husband about my feelings. He heard the word "poly" from someone and decided I was looking for lots of sexual partners. This has been tough for us to overcome.

And now, a few months ago, I met someone that blew my mind. We became instant friends, total cosmic, star-struck connection right from the beginning. It does not diminish my love for my husband. In fact, I feel like I appreciate and see him more clearly than before. My new friend and I are hopelessly in love - and have resisted the temptation to take things further.

I love both men for similar and for different reasons. The love of each is a cherished gift. I feel like the world makes better sense now. Everyday I find new reasons to appreciate my life. It is amazing.

So, now we are at the part where my husband and I are trying to find a common ground on my new friend. Of course I want to be with him, but I really want to know him more. I want to inspire him and love him and feel the return of his love and respect for me.

It comes down to the business between the sheets, of course. I have no idea how to proceed. I want to be with my husband, but I also want to have visits and time with my friend. Time with both is so fun and rewarding. I'm taking my time and explaining things from my heart and trying to help my hubby understand my love for him is not being threatened. I'll take all the advice and help I can get to make this work.

Thank you for listening to my story.
JM

Quath 07-18-2009 02:52 AM

Welcome to the board. :)

It sounds like you are doing well as you take it slow and give your husband time to adjust. I can only suggest that you keep the lines of communication open and be willing to ask for what you want.

vandalin 07-18-2009 02:58 AM

Welcome to the boards.

I am in a similar situation (although my interest is 400 miles away). My overall suggestion would be to start slow. Date your new guy. As for physical, again take it slow, find out what your hubby would be comfortable with, start with just kissing or "first bast" and go from there. As he gets more used to the idea that just because you are emotionally and physically involved with another man, doesn't mean that he is getting any less of you, but perhaps even more.

Good luck!

MonoVCPHG 07-18-2009 03:19 AM

Welcome to forum! Hope you find a way for both you and your husband to be happy, fullfilled and healthy:)

MonoVCPHG 07-18-2009 03:31 AM

Just have one question, is your husband considering trying polyamory and exploring someone for himself? That might be a way for him to better understand that you being with another man won't take away from your relationship. It could be an opportunity for both of you.

redpepper 07-18-2009 06:57 AM

furthermore is the new guy considering it also.... ? what is the two guys status on the whole thing?

I agree whole heartedly about going slow! Your husband has no idea what it feels like to be blown away by this new man, as you do. Respecting that is paramount. Time is traveling at the same speed for him and so is his relationship with you, even if you are traveling miles faster. I have to remember that daily. I have to really think about the pace I once kept when it was just the two of us and be very careful not to disturb that. I know that he finds peace and is grounded in the way things were and still are to him, so it is too my benefit to make sure that is intact. It means that my world remains intact also (I also have a child to consider and in-laws, parents close friends.... etc...).

It has been difficult to not run around yelling, "wooooo hoooo, i'm so in love!" I see it as like going on an amazing trip and coming back and then having to keep your excitement inside so others won't get jealous. I'm busting some days and have to be very careful to enjoy that on my own. Sometimes it is useful to express and he definitely is aware of my happiness. Otherwise he wouldn't be so good at compersion!

This whole process has opened my eyes to my husbands strength and how much he really loves me. I can do nothing more than love him more for it. I hope that, if this is right, you experience that too.

Good luck.

Oh one more thing.... sex, or as you put it, "what happens between the sheets." We three are entering into interesting times with that one as my two worlds are colliding and we are all getting more bonded.... I think the time is right for that, but until now I kept the two men separate. I don't talk about what each one does and don't mix preferences and definitely haven't suggested one thing to the other in terms of what we actually do... if you see what I mean. I have found that by keeping it all separate I have enjoyed the two of them for exactly who they are and exactly what our relationship is on it's own. I have spent a great deal of time getting to know Mono (I'm assuming you know who that is?) and if I had told him specific things I do with my husband I would of missed the opportunity to create something unique to us. Now we are all so close and there is an established relationship there for me and mono and him and my husband... I don't have as much need to keep them apart in my mind. If that makes sense.

foxflame88 07-18-2009 04:24 PM

Welcome to the group! This is an amazing assortment of people to get to know!

crazyeights101 07-18-2009 09:31 PM

Welcome to the group! I don't have experience in this area but you are brave for coming to him and explaining your feelings it refreshing to learn there are ways to have your cake and eat it too :p

ImaginaryIllusion 07-19-2009 04:00 PM

Is the problem that your husband doesn't understand what you want? Or that you have a mental block yourself that's preventing you from explaining it, or allowing yourself to proceed? Or perhaps a bit of both.

MonoVCPHG 07-20-2009 04:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 2931)
if I had told him specific things I do with my husband I would of missed the opportunity to create something unique to us. Now we are all so close and there is an established relationship there for me and mono and him and my husband... I don't have as much need to keep them apart in my mind. If that makes sense.

I think this is a very good point! It would only be natural for anyone to try to "imitate" what they hear you like in that sense. It would definitely take away from discovering about each other. You are as clever as you are gorgeous:D


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:38 AM.