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-   -   New to this... confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=490)

kindaconfused 07-17-2009 02:44 PM

New to this... confused
 
Hi all - I'm going to sort of dump a bunch of info on you here, so apologies in advance.

Anyway, my wife considered herself bi-curious for years until we went to a strip club and a generous stripper showed her a very good time (they have nude private dances in a back room).

So, now fully bisexual, we began negotiating about various tryst possibilities and I realized that I was interested, too. We were married young and I'd been very shy with women in my high school days so my wife was the only woman I'd done anything sexual with my whole life, which is something that had always nagged at me a little even though I tried not to think about it.

We've sort of adventured a little since then - discovered a big mutual crush in one case, got asked out (we think, though it's a little confusing) by a bi-sexual girl, and have generally been trying to get our heads together.

Now my wife has all sorts of bisexual support forums to post on... but I'm not bisexual... I'm just supportive of her and liking the idea of a girlfriend.

Does that make me poly? I thought maybe that did but I'm not sure.

Any thoughts and/or helpful advice would be appreciated... :)

NeonKaos 07-17-2009 03:27 PM

I guess it does "make" you poly, by definition, as long as you're looking for "more than just sex". And congratulations on being pursued as a couple by the proverbial "Unicorn". This is the first time I ever heard a story about that happening (on this forum, anyway).

Amalthea 07-17-2009 05:43 PM

I agree with what Ygirl said. If you're wanting to form a new love besides what you have with your wife than, yes, sounds as if poly could be a word to describe that.

Interested to hear how your maybe-date goes! I'm also in a couple that is wanting to form a triad ... bisexual woman, hetero man, wanting to add a mutual girlfriend... that elusive "unicorn" although from the intense mockery and scorn I've seen around the community on the topic I'm a little scared to admit it! Too bad I'm already in a couple; if I were single I guess I would be a unicorn myself because I view the triad as such a strong functioning family unit. I don't want to have children and the idea of having both a husband and a wife is so appealing...

Anyway! If what you are here to seek is support than you certainly have it!

Nadine 07-17-2009 09:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amalthea (Post 2897)
I agree with what Ygirl said. If you're wanting to form a new love besides what you have with your wife than, yes, sounds as if poly could be a word to describe that.

Interested to hear how your maybe-date goes! I'm also in a couple that is wanting to form a triad ... bisexual woman, hetero man, wanting to add a mutual girlfriend... that elusive "unicorn" although from the intense mockery and scorn I've seen around the community on the topic I'm a little scared to admit it! Too bad I'm already in a couple; if I were single I guess I would be a unicorn myself because I view the triad as such a strong functioning family unit. I don't want to have children and the idea of having both a husband and a wife is so appealing...

Anyway! If what you are here to seek is support than you certainly have it!

indeed~

I hope you come back to update, would be great to hear about

Quath 07-18-2009 02:54 AM

You liking the idea of her having a girlfriend sounds poly to me. If you are more interested in her having a sexual partner, that would put you more on the swinging side of the scale. I wish you luck.

kindaconfused 07-18-2009 04:17 AM

Thanks al! I feel better with a title, I guess. I was thinking 'poly' meant lots of partners or something like that.

Hah, not too sure on the 'unicorn' thing. We had a nice conversation and she dropped that she was bisexual and said we should hang out next time we were in Vegas and asked us if we were into threesomes. (not all at once). It was a sudden jump from 'I might like girls' sixty days ago but I'm not sure if it's our future girlfriend or not (though it would be quite cool).

redpepper 07-18-2009 06:23 AM

To me poly is about the relationship that develops from dating and/or swinging and/or having an open relationship. I personally don't believe you are there yet. You might be striving for a poly relationship however.... but there is a long way to go yet. Good luck, go slow and enjoy the ride....

there are other threads on the definition of poly on here that might be of interest and help to you.... we certainly have talked about it at length!

ImaginaryIllusion 07-19-2009 06:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 2926)
there are other threads on the definition of poly on here that might be of interest and help to you.... we certainly have talked about it at length!

She is so right...you can find one such thread here, and somewhere in there is the following quote:
Quote:

Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion (Post 2524)
My Poly, isn't going to be the same as your Poly. And it doesn't need to be.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kindaconfused (Post 2921)
I was thinking 'poly' meant lots of partners or something like that.

You can find a bunch of terminology and FAQ's on a few other sites, such as this one...which offers the following definition:
Quote:

The word "polyamory" is based on the Greek and Latin for "many loves" (literally, poly many + amore love). A polyamorous relationship is a romantic relationship that involves more than two people.
Your story in general resonates with me more than a little, so I'll offer what I can...
If you're trying to get your heads around this whole thing in less than 2 months, I don't blame you... and if you do manage to capture a unicorn by the end of the 3rd,...you should probably call Ripley's....and then of course post it here since it sounds like there's plenty of people waiting to hear all about it...including me. ;)

Seriously though, I started out in a very similar way...long term marriage, and kind of fell into the circumstances that had my wife and I start to question if we wanted to include someone else. We've gone through hunting unicorns, checking out the swinging scene, and eventually came across poly again...which contains one of the most basic elements that my wife and I were finding lacking in the swinging/just sex environments; The connection. The allowance for the relationship with others to be more than just casual acquaintance, or friends.

The whole thing with swinging vs open relationships vs poly, is that it runs on a spectrum involving sex, and love, and the importance placed on each. It may take you some time to figure out where you personally belong, and are comfortable with on that spectrum. The thing I like about poly so far, is that it takes up a really large chunk of that spectrum...so there's a lot of flexibility in how you want to live it...should you choose to do so. The only real requirements are more than one person, and some form love/relationship. For example, there's nothing saying you need to share your house with the 3rd, 4th, 5th partner in poly...you can...but you don't need to.

Some of the questions you should probably be asking yourself to help you decide where you want to go, how to get there, and if this is right for you:
Is this about sex, or love? Or both?
How close are you or your wife looking to be with the other person?
How do you feel about your wife spending non-bedroom time with the gf?
Do you need to be included? Can she go by herself? Can she have a gf that doesn't want to be with you?
Are you expecting the gf to be beholding to just the two of you?
Are you allowed to find another gf, and can you be with her with/without your wife?
Do you believe love is infinite, so having love for a second person doesn't deminish the love for the first?
Your wife is bi,...so what about a bf? Is she allowed to have one? Are you ok with her feeling love for another man? Could you just accept it...or could you feel happy for her?

This is by no means exhaustive, complete, or anything you need to answer here. These are questions you and your wife need to ask yourselves...answer yourselves...and talk about. There's no 'right' or 'wrong' answers; and the answers don't need to be set in stone. Things can change...and you can even change them. For example, I was not ok with the idea of my wife being with another man...initially. It took a lot of time and soul searching, but that answer has changed. (At least intellectually. She hasn't yet given me the opportunity to test the reality)

Which brings me to the final point I'll bring up today...(I hear the sigh of relief that you're almost finished reading...think about how I feel about almost being finished typing. :rolleyes: ) Time...it takes time. If you are seriously thinking about non-monogamy in general...it can take time. Lots of communication, lots of discussions, and lots of soul searching. If you are going to challenge the basic assumptions and paradigms that our society is built on, then it will take time to find your way...as there's no set roadmap, and changing your own thought patterns can take time too. If you've managed to make it here in 60 days, then I seriously commend you....it took me 2 years to get around to exploring poly, and another 2 to get here...be patient...your results may differ.

I'd encourage you to look up the website I mentioned above, as well as the Misanthrope site as well, and check out some of the resources they have...there's a lot to take in, and a lot of tools you can make use of.

Cheers.

redpepper 07-20-2009 04:18 AM

wow, well said Imaginary illusions! very good comments and questions!

MonoVCPHG 07-20-2009 04:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion (Post 2957)
The thing I like about poly so far, is that it takes up a really large chunk of that spectrum...so there's a lot of flexibility in how you want to live it...should you choose to do so. The only real requirements are more than one person, and some form love/relationship.

Personally, from what I have seen, the word "polyamory" is used so broadly I feel it has lost a lot of validity for me. This isn't a negative statement, just a case of perceived vagueness and a simple disinterest in using the word because it doesn't really define anything for me besides being non-monogamous. Part of it is the idea of someone "choosing" to be polyamorous. To me it would be the same as "choosing " to be gay. I think polyamory is a "nature" thing, not a learned behavior....but this is only my opinion. The other part is how unclear the concept of "love" is when used in poly relationships. I feel it is some times used just to take a moral step up from the concept of swinging or open relationships; not that one is needed, there is nothing immoral about either.

I think I will probably avoid the word when explaining my relationship to mono friends in the future except if needed to separate what I have from polygamy. The word is simply too hard to explain because the forms it takes are seemingly limitless. Describing the dynamic within my relationship is easier.


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