Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   how to best support my primary partner in an uneqaul playing field (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=48982)

gorgeouskitten 06-20-2013 04:00 PM

how to best support my primary partner in an uneqaul playing field
 
So as some of you may have gathered already, i have a great husband and boyfriend. BF is married, husband is trying to date. Hes having a hard time, with a couple things leading to physical encounters that he found kind of "meh", the second more enjoyable than the first. he was recently rejected by someoen that decided a guy in poly just wasnt for her, and it was pretty rough for him. I know its hard to watch me have a full relationship with BF when hes not getting much on other fronts. he seems down about this and a lot of other things going on, school, our kids,etc. and i just dont know how best to support him..i feel guilty for having plans myself, and being in love with my bf, though i know hubs wants me to be happy. Do I just lay off his dating life, and continue to give him the love I already do and not question his anixety? i feel like i should DO something

BlackUnicorn 06-20-2013 05:21 PM

What would you do? Set him up for dates? Make sure he has satisfying sexual encounters with other women?

There's nothing much you can do. Sometimes, things take their time. Many poly peeps go on a lot of dates before they find partners.

How do you think the playing field is unequal?

gorgeouskitten 06-20-2013 05:30 PM

yeah...good points. I cant exactly hook him up, guess its just time and patience. I guess i feel its unequal cause i had feelings for my friend, then took him on as a partner when spouse and i went poly so i didnt have to go through all this 'work'

nycindie 06-20-2013 05:40 PM

It's not a game or a race.

gorgeouskitten 06-20-2013 05:47 PM

oh i know, i just want him to be happy and i feel badly i have something he doesnt, and thats difficult for him. i suppose "playing field" was bad word usage

Marcus 06-20-2013 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten (Post 210880)
oh i know, i just want him to be happy and i feel badly i have something he doesnt, and thats difficult for him. i suppose "playing field" was bad word usage

Nah, it's common to use that phrase for a conversation like this - but the red flag that prompted the comment might have been this one...

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten (Post 210880)
i feel guilty for having plans myself

To me (not putting words in nycindies mouth) this is setting yourself up for failure by designing it so that you both need an equal amount of relationships in order to be happy. This sets it up as a competition, like a game where the score needs to be even for guilt to not be present.

This is bullshit and will only cause more damage. What you goal should be is to separate these two issues:

1. You get to enjoy your relationships for what they are
2. You want hubby to be happy and want to help him meet chicks

Make those two totally distinct ideas. This way, everyone wins and you don't take on your hubbys dating practices as your mission, nor does his success have any impact on *your* relationships.

What does hubby want from you in this regard? Does he want you to introduce him to your friends or go out on the town hunting hotties with him? Is he hoping you will be involved in this at all? I would let him take the lead on this, otherwise you make him a charity case (and that will not make him more confident with the ladies).

Dagferi 06-20-2013 06:42 PM

Been there.. done that.. have the T-shirt. Heck there now.

All you can do is be supportive.

gorgeouskitten 06-21-2013 02:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 210902)
What does hubby want from you in this regard? Does he want you to introduce him to your friends or go out on the town hunting hotties with him? Is he hoping you will be involved in this at all? I would let him take the lead on this, otherwise you make him a charity case (and that will not make him more confident with the ladies).

Thanks for all you said. I kept suggesting things to him last night...and he, very kindly, told me to cut it the fuck out. lol. He told me he appreciated my concern, hes very happy for me and BF and I just need to let him do his thing and listen if he needs someone to listen. So i'll try to stop 'helping' and also feeling guilty, cuase he doesnt want me to, i dont want to, and being with BF is great so there is nothing to feel guilty about.

YouAreHere 06-21-2013 03:36 PM

Glad you talked. My partner and I are both "fixit" types, and boy, learning to back off is HARD. You have my sympathies. :)

Ssandra 06-21-2013 10:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten (Post 210880)
oh i know, i just want him to be happy

That's what you can do, make him happy (yeah, yeah, in as far as anyone can make someone else happy, bla bla bla)

But being there for him when he needs you, taking him out (or let him take you out) on amazing dates, confirm via his favorite love language that you do love him very much. Basically... Make sure your relationship with him is as strong as it possibly can be.

Good for you, good for him, good for all ;)


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:01 PM.