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-   -   Loving from a distance (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=48980)

Maleficent 06-20-2013 03:58 PM

Loving from a distance
I mentioned in my introduction that last year my husbands career moved us away from my girlfriend. I went with him and our children. It's been hard on her but we are holding on strong.

I'm accustomed to making long distance relationships work. Being a military wife for all of my marriage was a bit of a crash course in maintaing the strong connections needed to keep relationships afloat. We are nearing the end of his career now and plan to move her and her kids in with us once he retires.

It breaks my heart to know how much she misses us. I know all to well the ache of waking up in an empty bed that was once so full. To face running a household on your own. The absence of your partner is almost haunting.

I fly up to see her as often as I can. We talk, text, Skype daily. It's working but it puts a strain on our hearts. I will be visiting her next week and the days just seem to drag.

Has anyone else been through a similar experience? I would love to hear insight and share what has and hasn't worked.

gorgeouskitten 06-20-2013 04:01 PM

I wish i had insight for you, but just wanted to say it sounds like everything you are doing is good and all you can do is take the time until everyone is together again. Best of luck

YouAreHere 06-20-2013 04:09 PM

Not sure if this would help in your situation, but when my partner and I were unable to spend nights together, we would occasionally put the laptop in bed next to us (on something flat - don't overheat your laptop!) and keep Skype up all night. It was nice to hear him snore or roll over and see him there, even if he couldn't be there in person.

Here's hoping the time passes quickly...

Maleficent 06-20-2013 04:37 PM

We have thought about doing that. With the laptops at night. Lol.

Another thing we do is family dinners. Us with our kids and her with hers. We use the same recipes and set the computers up at the table. It's fun and loud and the kids talk like crazy. The adults have worked out a bit of short hand sign language to communicate over the madness. I'm sure it will help once we have all seven kids under one roof. Lmao

YouAreHere 06-20-2013 04:41 PM

That's awesome! Maybe try a game night, or something where you could set up the same gameboard on either end of the laptop and play that way - the kids would probably enjoy that one as well. :)

Maleficent 06-20-2013 05:05 PM

We've tried it but the younger kids are so wild with the web cams rolling its almost impossible to get organized. Next time we will try getting them settled in for the night first. Crazy little monkeys.

sparklepop 06-22-2013 02:51 PM

I'm going to say something here that I truly, sincerely hope you don't take the wrong way and I hope that it helps.

I checked over your other posts and it sounds like you're all in the same country? (USA?) You don't mention time difference or visas, etc. It also sounds like you're apart only because of hubby's job, girlfriend's (and her kids') roots to her city/state... and for around the next 3-4 years?

I'm going to tell you a little bit about my story.

- I'm from the UK and my love is from the US.
- She's married and even if she wasn't, we are the same sex - marriage is not an option.
- I see her once every 3-6 months. I stay for 10-12 weeks.
- My visa options, in terms of moving there, are difficult, complicated, slim and should luck shine down on me, it could take 10 years or more before I can be legally stable in the US.
- Even if I manage to get a work or student visa, when it expires after a few years, I may have to come home again and go through the whole process again for a new visa.
- Because I've visited often, I get sent to secondary questioning. I can have my possessions searched, every time I fly into the US. It's stressful, emotional and to be frank, at times, terrifying.
- If a passport control officer doesn't like the sound of my regular visits and doesn't believe I'm going to return home, he could refuse me entry to the US. Every single time I fly, there's a risk I'll be banned, or sent straight back home, with my love on the other side of the wall.
- The future of my love and I is "if". If I can get a visa, if I can fly and be admitted, if we can afford the flights.
- GF's husband makes a product that we don't make in the UK. The most they could do is move to Europe - but he'd have to find a job, learn the language... all kinds of hurdles. Then I'd still have visa issues, getting into a different country.

Do you see what I'm trying to say? :)

I'd take your situation in a heart beat. To know that my future with the love of my life isn't "if" it's "when". God, that would be a dream come true. If I knew that I only had to wait a few years and then we could *definitely* live together... I'd be the happiest woman on Earth.

Hold onto the light during the hard times. You will make it through and when you do, it will all have been worth it.

Of course... if I've gotten this wrong and you guys are also having to deal with major time difference, giant airfare, visa issues, potential of not living together in the future... I can empathise. All you can do is keep laughing together, keep smiling and keep hoping.

Number one piece of advice? When you leave each other, give yourself three days to mope. After that - no more moping. Every time you start to feel down, do something. Start a hobby, clean the house... do anything to get your mind off it. Live with a positive attitude and know that all you can do is be patient. Good things come to those who wait.

Vinceklortho 06-22-2013 03:36 PM

Next month my gf is spending her birthday alone. When I asked her if she had any big plans, she said, "no, nothing." I totally can't afford it, but last night I booked airfare to Boston. Now, I have a final on one end and my grandma's 75th birthday on the other, where I am not only obligated to be, but more importantly bring my three kids, so I am flying out, staying in a fancy hotel for one night (her birthday), and flying back the next day. Why? Because long distance blows and it makes you do crazy things. ;)


Maleficent 06-22-2013 04:57 PM

Thank you everyone for shareing. And thank you sparklepop, your story gives me some much needed perspective. I truly am great full.

It is a matter of when for us.

Until then my husband and I want to take turns going to see her. I leave Wednesday. :) I'm so excited! And feeling very lucky to have the opportunity.

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