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-   -   Desperately seeking guidance (open to all to help please) (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=48948)

MZTERY 06-19-2013 08:20 PM

Desperately seeking guidance (open to all to help please)
 
Hello everyone it has been awhile since my last post and I have a very serious concern/question. I am having trouble being satisfied intimately with my primary partner. Now the thing is also I am not HIS primary. To him I am equal to the rest of his partners. I respect that and appreciate his honesty with this whole relationship but I feel that his is interrupting my "mojo" with him. I use to feel complete with him. Our sex life was always great! I never had a complaint to this magnitude and am frustrated and very sad.

To add he has expressed wanting to have children with each of them and we already have two of our own. We were technically not "living" together for a long stretch of time (that is when he made his other connections when he kept telling ME he was working on OUR future) but anyway! LOL and now my kids have their father, a big beautiful home, everything runs pretty smooth for the household but I am afraid that as my relationship hurts because of our status my children will eventually hurt too because of the kids and the husrt going around them!

I don't want to hurt my children and I don't want to feel used! (sorry i brought up two topics in one, let me stick to my initial concern) Sex is more about unity, love, and feeling as one together, atleast to me it always has been and I don't feel connected like that anymore. Our relationship use to feel so sweet and now I feel like an obligation. I actually feel like HE feels obligated with each of us and that makes me sad for him and each of us. I don't think bringing more kids to the equation is a good idea at the moment and I feel no one is really prepared for the HUGE change that that will bring!

My relationship with him just HIM is not the same. I get along with the girls fine I find them each very attractive and as people I think they are great intelligent sould that have much to offer the world. I am grateful, although sad at times, that he has them because they have made him happy. I am sad because I feel I could be the "perfect" woman for HIM and I am restricted to love and act the way I want. I have told him about my sexual frustration with im and that I have even wanted to have sex with the girls too which has also frustrated me! We hae participated all together once and from what I hear the two girls have been together on their own as well.

The girls shared a "relationship" for some time so I feel that helps contribute to their closeness more and even more with him because they have all shared a roof longer and more consecutive than I have. I ahve also spoken to the one girl about all this that I feel more comfortable with speaking to. I have received positive feedback verbally but actions definitely speak volumes! Having sex with him feels like its on a schedule and I don't like that. I want to be able to do IT whenever wherever I want and especially in OUR bedroom which WE barely EVER get to do!!

They I AM SURE take advantage of the fact that my work hours are on times that they each have alone time with him sooooo they get to do it wherever however and that pisses me OFF! UGH! I dont want to feel this sh*t anymore I want to fulfill my own desires somehow but am so lost and confused as to how I know I am blabbering but I am just letting it all out and I am praying to hear as many pieces of advice as possible! Thank you for your time. God Bless! Namaste to all

kdt26417 06-20-2013 01:32 AM

It sounds like part of the problem involves his actions, his decisions, his behaviors. Alas, I know of no way of controlling those things. You can only control your own actions, decisions, and behaviors. The most you can do is plead with him but that doesn't mean he'll do what you want. You'll have to decide how you'll respond to his decision.

So right now you are all living under one roof? There is you, him, two other ladies, and two children? I just want to make sure I have the correct picture of the situation.

Sounds like part of the problem is your work situation, which is frustrating to you. Can you change shifts or jobs?

Does he place special restrictions on your behavior, or is it mostly just a situational thing?

I'll try to help if I can.

nycindie 06-20-2013 01:47 AM

Buy some good toys, like a vibrator and a dildo, and seek out another boyfriend for yourself.

The more important issue, as I see it, is the children and the fact that he wants to father more with these other chicks. What's that about? Spreading his seed? Weird.

Your libido and sexual satisfaction can be taken care of in another relationship. Don't focus on that right now. Focus on the baby-making issue, and his role as father. Does he let his obligations and responsibilities slide because he's concentrating too much on boinking these other women?

You might want to request that you and he go to therapy together.

LovingRadiance 06-20-2013 05:06 AM

Remove the girls from the conversation first.
Keeping them in it just reinforces your sense of not having an ability to improve the situation.


The first thing I saw is-
Your work schedules inhibits you from having the type of personal time alone with him that you want.
SO HOW DO YOU SCHEDULE THAT ALONE TIME.

Even in mono relationships with children-it is IMPOSSIBLE to have sex "whenever and where ever you want". I have MORE ability to have unhindered sex and alone time with my guys now then I ever did mono-because one or the other can take the kids so I can have one on one time with the other guy.

YOU are unhappy with the amount of alone time
or
You are unhappy about the quality of alone time
or both?

In either case-you need to look at what YOU can do to change the situation between you and him.

As for bedrooms-I don't even know what to say to that because I don't understand why you can't have sex in your own room. That makes no sense to me at all.

london 06-20-2013 05:19 AM

Even with paragraph breaks, this makes no sense to me. I advise that you find a partner who wants to have sex with you. Can this man afford these kids? Does he actually parent them? My hunch is that he plays the Domly Dom Daddy role whilst he grows his harem.

MZTERY 06-20-2013 01:38 PM

Amazing responses
 
You all had great responses to this for me ...thank you!

London what do you mean by this?? -"My hunch is that he plays the Domly Dom Daddy role whilst he grows his harem." and NO we are not financially set to afford any more kids, not even if I were to become pregnant will I be secure financially, so its not just WHO gets pregnant. Our kids already are in 4th and 2nd grade and require much more than they did before (ironically) and that makes me worried because I don't want them to lack the moderate stability we have.

Loving radiance what you said here -"YOU are unhappy with the amount of alone time or You are unhappy about the quality of alone time
or both?" is very much true for both factors. Last night, since I has raised the complaint earlier that day about not being satisfied, he must have told the one girl (i'll call her AL) to leave us alone downstairs. She is always around by the way, which is OK for the most part, but I feel it comes off as being inconsiderate and selfish at other times because, like I said before it FEELS more like each female wants to have their OWN relationship rather than a GROUP relationship. Anyway, when we were alone he performed his best on me and as it was satisfactory at that point it almost felt like it was forced (but I could be wrong and I am just feeling sh*tty that I had to even mention sh*t in the first place) IDK!

What you mentioned last -"As for bedrooms-I don't even know what to say to that because I don't understand why you can't have sex in your own room. That makes no sense to me at all" really bothers me too. For the most part I barely get any time in the bedroom alone with him. We seldomly have sex in our bed and that feels stupid, annoying, and childish! I am a grown woman, with kids, a man at home and I have to f*ck him in the bathroom or the fouton so we don't "distrb" others that are there or just to be alone together...either way its retarded to me! It shouldn't have to be this way.

NYcindie what you asked here -"The more important issue, as I see it, is the children and the fact that he wants to father more with these other chicks. What's that about? Spreading his seed? Weird" is exactly what it is! He says that he wants to keep his blood line going and he believes that these girls have the capacity of procreating with him strong, intellingent, talented children as OURS so that his "strong" genes continue to spread. He is fixated on the idea that where we live is like a den and he is the lion and we are the lionesses in the cave breeding for him. He also does not want any of us to go outside the relationship as long as we are living under HIS roof! So therefore going to another boyfriend would be a no-no to him! That makes me feel like he is NOT polyamory at all just a guy how wanted to bang us all and have us all under one roof too.

kdt26417 thank you for wanting to help! No I can't change my job or work hours especially. I am happy where I work and love my job. I have recently acquired my degree in the field I work in and my career is important to me, I wouldn't jeopardize that. He definitely has behaviors and actions to adjust I believe and I have to get better at addressing the issues...pronto!

I honestly look at these girls and see that they are NOT ready for the drastic change that having children will bring, especially with this type of lifestyle. I don't see us as the type of polyamorous relationships I have read about. Between us girls we can hang like friends but once someone is getting the "lovin" from him the other start to feel a certaintype of way...and even though they deny it to him and me when I raise the eyebrow on that issue I am not stupid! I have a strong sense of feeling and I can absorb others energies very well. Besides my kids tell me how the girls are with them and I have even seen it myself..they get anoyed by them, ignore them, and are not children friendly at all! They just don't capture the love of children or even animals like that and that says alot to me...cuz their love is not genuine it is forced!

Marcus 06-20-2013 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MZTERY (Post 210816)
He also does not want any of us to go outside the relationship as long as we are living under HIS roof! So therefore going to another boyfriend would be a no-no to him! That makes me feel like he is NOT polyamory at all just a guy how wanted to bang us all and have us all under one roof too.

He's got himself a closed polygyny situation going on. This situation is fine, so long as everyone involved wants to be in a closed polygyny sort of situation.

So are you displeased with being in his little tyrannical empire? Or are you just irritated because of him wanting to pump kids into the other members of his slave den? I can't tell because you don't sound happy with the situation but you don't seem very focused on exactly what you want to change.

What would this situation look like if you could design it yourself? Try and focus in on what exactly the issue is so that you can decide what specific action you need to take. This emotional "I feel" approach is handy for identifying that a problem might be present, but it gets in the way of actually taking action.

london 06-20-2013 02:33 PM

I feel the same as Marcus about harems. My issue is whether he can afford these children and how pouch parenting he actually does considering he has other family units to maintain.

MZTERY 06-20-2013 04:30 PM

Amazing responses
 
Marcus when you mentioned this - "So are you displeased with being in his little tyrannical empire? Or are you just irritated because of him wanting to pump kids into the other members of his slave den? I can't tell because you don't sound happy with the situation but you don't seem very focused on exactly what you want to change" it made me think alittle more as to what between the two would be the greater issue. I am not really interested in meeting another male partner at all. Female partners however yes I am. The reason is that I want to have a partnership with a female that we can share our love, care, and time with also. That is why when he told me this was what he wanted and made it seem like the girls were just as interested in me, I was intrigued and excited because I was looking forward to a loving relationship with all of them, but that is not the case. And yes the fact that he wants to pump kids in other women does bother me because he said to me once he would never have kids with other women, even if we were to part.

If I could design the relationship I would want to have a say on choosing the girl or girls for us to share our lives with and we would have all shared a loving caring relationship for awhile before moving in together. Having children with them would then not be an issue because I would be a part of the time of conception and therefore feel as if the baby is more "ours" as a whole not a family within a family within a family..it just feels so segregated to me like this. The fact that we had kids of our own beforehand would be irrelevant to the new style of relationship but I would feel more comfortable including them in my kids life if I knew they loved and cared for me too as their partner. I would even want to have another baby with them the same way and I would consider the girl or girls the baby's mommy too because I would have not just been making love to him but to her as well at the time of conception.

London- you and I share the same concern. When he talKs about our kids he expresses how much he can't wait til they are older so that he no longer has to take care of them. He talk about travelling the world and doing just so much as a free spirit as he calls himself. He is not a bad father he actually does very well with our kids since we have been living under the same roof consistently again. I just feel that he likes to add too much to his plate because he needs to feel productive somehow/useful perhaps IDK it just seems off to me for someone who looks forward to freedom from small children to want to have more with others. It just seems like he feels obligated to because he told them he would and he feels and tells us that he is a better man than anyone else we would find on our own. That all other men would play us out and lie to us all the time. Making him feel more powerful to breed more with multiple women.

BTW he also says that each of us are easily replacable and that it would be nothing for him to kick me out with the kids or any of them. That he is not with me for the kids and that he doesn't need any of us he WANTS to be with us.

Natja 06-20-2013 05:12 PM

So, what's upsetting you is he sold you a triad but that's not what you have?

Sorry to break it to you but....that's not what you have, so you choice's are to accept that and work on improving the intimacy situation between yourself and your partner or leave.
Getting another woman in what appears to be an already over occupied house, just so you can have some Unicorn fantasy fulfilled would not be smart.


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