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-   -   New and confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=48922)

Wifeto2 06-18-2013 08:59 PM

New and confused
 
Ok alittle background on our situation.

Dh and I have been married and in a mono relationship for 9 years. We have had our up and downs. We have had threesomes over the past 9 years though we have specifically been mono for the last 5. We have talked off and on about having a "sister wife" (I know unicorn hunters). Dh and I split up last summer for a few months to work on ourselves and see if we were still where we wanted to be as far as us. Me and gf met and became friends that summer. I started to really care for her. About a month ago gf had a problem with her oldest daughter and asked for us to help. We did. Dh and gf became close. We started calling her our gf. She loved it and we moved things forward. Things became sexual about two weeks ago.

We have rules( gf is fine with them and knows if she feels her needs are not being we will talk and make adjustments)
1. no sex for dh and her without myself being involved. and vice versa.
2. talk, talk, talk talk
3. (this one is loosing up) he cannot cum in her.

Dh is a very blunt sexual person, if he wants something and thinks its ok with me he will go for it. I am not. I take a while to even "make a move". Gf is closer to dh in sexual nature than I am. This experience has def stepped up my desire more.

Dh is only home on the weekends because of his job. We had a great first sex experience. This past weekend we focused our attention on gf because she wasn't feeling good and both of us wanted to make her feel good. We spent hours making her cum. Then when she was finished, I wanted some attention and of course dh was done in 2 min. (Usually we lasts hours).
The next day I tried starting to do stuff with dh and he just kept giving reasons not to. Then gf would walk in and he would all of sudden want to. It was like a switch, gf in sexual stuff pouring out, gf leave it shut down. That night she was sleeping in our bed and I wanted some. He didn't want to do anything unless she was involved "because it wasn't fair to her". I loved the fact that she got off the night before but was still sexually frustrated and wanted it to be just the two of us. We didnt have anywhere to do it but in our bed where gf was. So I agreed that he could play with her but we were to have intercourse. We got in there and he started playing. Was hard as a rock, until she wasn't showing any interest of doing anything. It went soft like he had one of our kids walk in. The rest of the night he couldn't keep it up. I said something because I was so upset.
He tried to make it up to me the next day but same thing, he couldn't perform. Now I'm sitting here frustrated in every area. We have talked about it and he thinks it was because she s new and his dick wasn't used to so much attention.
I'm fustrated because I'm sitting here wondering if he is going to be able to cum with just me again. It make me seriously upset.
Just to clarify. I do not want gf to go anywhere. I really care for her and want her happiness, dh happiness and our happiness. I love having her around.

Natja 06-19-2013 09:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wifeto2 (Post 210529)

1. no sex for dh and her without myself being involved. and vice versa.



Just to clarify. I do not want gf to go anywhere. I really care for her and want her happiness, dh happiness and our happiness. I love having her around.


If you want to achieve this get rid of that rule PRONTO! It will make everyone completely miserable, especially you and your sexual relationship to your girlfriend will eventually suffer as the dynamic changes considerably when there is a penis in the room. Eventually your girlfriend will start to get hacked off by the rule anyway and to build up intimacy you need dyad time.

Your husbands issue stems directly from this rule. Now he associates sex with you with sex with gf, especially since she is all new and shiney.

Want happiness, end stupid rule. Otherwise see your relationship with dh ruined and/or gf walk away.

BoringGuy 06-19-2013 10:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Natja (Post 210652)
If you want to achieve this get rid of that rule PRONTO!


Want happiness, end stupid rule. Otherwise see your relationship with dh ruined and/or gf walk away.

What Natja said. If you don't want to do this i suggest you not read any further. Just keep to the way you've been doing it and learn the hard way, then come back here and be frustrated by watching people come on and ask this same question and not think that any advice applies to them because you're unique and no one knows what you go through.

Seriously. This "no sex except when the Three™ of us are there, except the pre-existing couple can have sex without The Third™ there."

Don't listen to us. We don't know you. You know better.

#coupleprivilege #anticouplebigotry #dickinpicklejar

Wifeto2 06-19-2013 10:08 AM

re: new and confused
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Natja (Post 210652)
If you want to achieve this get rid of that rule PRONTO! It will make everyone completely miserable, especially you and your sexual relationship to your girlfriend will eventually suffer as the dynamic changes considerably when there is a penis in the room. Eventually your girlfriend will start to get hacked off by the rule anyway and to build up intimacy you need dyad time.

Your husbands issue stems directly from this rule. Now he associates sex with you with sex with gf, especially since she is all new and shiney.

Want happiness, end stupid rule. Otherwise see your relationship with dh ruined and/or gf walk away.

Thank you for responding. My only worry (stems maybe from insecurity) that is because they are having sex that he isn't going to want to have sex with me anymore. I guess I worry about being replaced as his sexual partner.

BoringGuy 06-19-2013 10:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wifeto2 (Post 210654)
Thank you for responding. My only worry (stems maybe from insecurity) that is because they are having sex that he isn't going to want to have sex with me anymore. I guess I worry about being replaced as his sexual partner.

Um hello? That's what's happening NOW. He doesn't want to have sex with you ALREADY because you HAVE this "rule". He pretty much told you that. If you want different results, try a different approach.

That stupid rule never works, always backfires. And no one ever listens.

BoringGuy 06-19-2013 10:13 AM

Also, quit putting so much emphasis on the Almighty Ejaculation™. There is more to sex than a man blowing his load inside your snatch.

london 06-19-2013 10:16 AM

It's rules one and three that are causing the issues., You need to stop thinking of it as you and your husband having a relationship with her and more of there being three relationships here. You and your husband, you and your girlfriend, and your girlfriend and your husband. He is absolutely right that in a equal triad, the rule would forbid you and him having sex as a couple. If you want an equal triad, you need to consider that. You know there are even triads who never have sex altogether? Only as couples. If you want to use condoms with her, fine, for now, but I hope you don't mean he can't cum in a hole witha condom on. I've come across that rule before, to me it just meant he had to cum all over me bukkake style. I didn't go there though, too many trust issues.

The easiest, most realistic thing to do is abandon that rule, be secure in your relationship with your husband and not to project any issues you guys have onto your girlfriend by having to treat her badly in order to prove your devotion to your spouse.

Wifeto2 06-19-2013 10:16 AM

Re: new and confused
 
Ok so at this point I guess my question is how do I get past my upset. How do I get past my insecurities.So we can move on to have a meaningful relationship?

Wifeto2 06-19-2013 10:22 AM

Trying not to be
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by london (Post 210657)
It's rules one and the that are causing the issues., You need to stop thinking of it as you and your husband having a relationship with her and more of there being three relationships here. You and your husband, you and your girlfriend, and your girlfriend and your husband. He is absolutely right that in a equal triad, the rule would forbid you and him having sex as a couple. If you want an equal triad, you need to consider that. You know there are even triads who never have sex altogether? Only as couples. If you want to use condoms with her, fine, for now, but I hope you don't mean he can't cum in a hole witha condom on. I've come across that rule before, to me it just meant he had to cum all over me bukkake style. I didn't go there though, too many trust issues.

The easiest, most realistic thing to do is abandon that rule, be secure in your relationship with your husband and not to project any issues you guys have onto your girlfriend by having to treat her badly in order to prove your devotion to your spouse.


I figured I needed to do that. I'm having a hard time with it. I am trying not to project our issues and I ask and talk to her about her feelings daily. We started out as good friends first. Any issues we (dh and I) have are not in any way her fault. They are ours.

The sex rule is the typical we can have sex with her together but not him and her or me and her. We as a couple can have sex though its not happening.

BoringGuy 06-19-2013 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by london (Post 210657)
It's rules one and the that are causing the issues.


Rule number two is not so great either. "talk talk talk talk" how about "listen listen listen listen" or the popular "communicate, Communicate COMMUNICATE". Easier said than done. Everybody running their mouths, wanting to "get their needs met"... "protecting the primary relationship"


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