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-   -   Husband's girlfriend uncomfortable (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4892)

lovinhimloviner 01-10-2011 07:17 AM

Husband's girlfriend uncomfortable
I am a 33 yo wife and mother. I have been in an open marriage for over 7 years. I can't imagine a monogamous relationship after having such a wonderful open relationship. Now don't get me wrong like all marriages there will always be ups and downs. The one part of our relationship that has never been a problem is the fact that we are open and honest about how we are feeling and who we are feeling it for. My husband and I have been through about every stage of an open marriage. Just like most people in "open marriages" we realized that life is nothing with out love. We trust and love each other so much that we allow ourselves to truly live. Although it wasn't expected he started to fall for a very wonderful woman. They hadn't even had sex yet and he came to me and told me how he was feeling. It was hard for him t:confused:o tell me he was having feelings for her. We talked about it and as much as I surprised my self, I realized that it would be wrong for me or anyone else to tell them the feelings they were having were wrong. It isn't. It is a natural part of life. We discussed the "what ifs" of the situation. His girlfriend understands that no matter what happens he will not leave me for her. She wouldn't want him to do that anyway. It is hard for her coming into a situation like this. One of the questions we asked our selves were, what if my husband and his girlfriend fall completely in love and can't live without each other? Well in that case we thought if she was comfortable with it she could live with us as a family. They would have to have a separate bedroom. She wants to have kids one day....then what? Just like love if it was meant to be then it was meant to be. We would raise the baby just like millions of parents do everyday and we would do it together.

The problem i am having now is I keep bending over backwards to make sure she is comfortable. She has said she feels like the OW. They have been seeing each other for a few months now and had only meet up 2 times before this weekend. She had been uncomfortable with the idea of coming to our house. I was trying to make life simpler for her so I made arrangements for the kids to go to friends house and my moms. I had decided to go to a friends house and have a girls night. She came over right as we started cooking. She stood in the kitchen with us and we exchanged small talk. We have been on cam chat almost nightly but it did have a different vibe. We had discussed her fears about my reaction to seeing them holding hands and snuggling. I calmed her fears before hand because i knew she was worried about it.
When I got home the next morning she was gone. When I woke my husband up he seemed a little sad when he told me she left at 1am. He said it feels like she just wants sex even though she also claims to love him. He worries because she never wants to just hang out and only wants to have sex. She left because she was afraid of how the two younger kids would act since they ended up not going to grandmas. The too love her and we had told them she would be staying with daddy. This is all new to her since she was raised in a monogamous life style. I'm I over thinking this? Do I just need to give her more time?

Fidelia 01-10-2011 10:28 AM

It sounds like you're doing everything you reasonably can to make her feel comfortable and welcome. This is ultimately her issue and there's only so much you, or your husband, or anyone else in the world, can do to address her issue.

So continue to be patient and supportive, keep encouraging her, and give her some time and space to find her comfort zone.

I myself could not go so far as to leave my home to make my husband's love interest comfortable. But clearly that is not an issue for you, so more power to you.

preciselove 01-10-2011 02:55 PM

Fidelia hit the nail on the head with their post so nothing more to add on that front.

Just a question though, if your husband felt the same way towards another 3 or 4 women, would you feel comfortable inviting them all into your family or is there a limit in your mind as to where that would be? Just with the way you write, like these relationships can just spontaneously happen, if it spontaneously happens 3 or 4 more times without any breakups is that ok?

I sort of feel that without any "Structure" to relationships you're just opening yourself up to problems that you'll only face "as they happen" and they often happen through choice. For instance I meet some great women, but because I already have 2 live-in girlfriends and we've discussed our limits I just don't entertain in my head that I will go down that path with them. I feel if I was your husband I'd just keep bringing back women and be like "got another great one I connect with, is that ok and can you sort out her room sweetie?".

lovinhimloviner 01-10-2011 04:03 PM

We had not honestly sat down and discussed our limits. We sat and talked about it last not and since his girlfriend is not a poly type person she would rather he not sleep with anyone else. I'm his wife so there is not choice there but she doesn't like to share. My husband does not feel like he could handle it if I fell in love with another man. I feel like I am living a poly life with a monogamous female and a swinger husband. If that makes any sense. I really want everyone to be happy. I know I am not wired the way most people are. I find joy and love when he fell in love with her. Most people think there is just something worn with me. I don't get jealous and I love my husband so much that I feel since he has fallen in love he should do what makes them happy. He said if I were to fall in love with someone else he would do his very best to give me what I have given him. I think I should really just avoid the situation since I know it would make him uncomfortable. This is all so new to us but it is defiantly how I would like my life to work out. I guess we don't always get what we wont though.

NeonKaos 01-10-2011 04:07 PM

You really sound like you want to do the right thing. But reading this made my head ache. All the people involved are so not on the same page. I'm glad you joined this forum now instead of waiting until things got truly fucked up. You come across as though you'll be receptive to what people have to say to you, even if it's not what you would like to hear.

lovinhimloviner 01-10-2011 04:09 PM

I also want to add that this whole situation made my husband feel strange. He was not to hip to falling in love again.

lovinhimloviner 01-10-2011 04:11 PM


Originally Posted by NeonKaos (Post 59526)
You really sound like you want to do the right thing. But reading this made my head ache. All the people involved are so not on the same page. I'm glad you joined this forum now instead of waiting until things got truly fucked up. You come across as though you'll be receptive to what people have to say to you, even if it's not what you would like to hear.

That is exactly why I joined. I had joined another site but was only told why my marriage wasn't a real one. I have never even known anyone who wanted to live this way. Swingers yes poly no.

Indigomontoya 01-10-2011 04:32 PM

I can only really speak from one angle of a relationship on this issue; Mr. A had expressed to TP several times that he feels (has felt) like the other man and that he was doing something inherently wrong....now from my perspective there was very actionable things I can do to alleviate this feeling in him....I've talked to him, reached out to him quite honestly to tell him that I am comfortable and not feeling like I am losing time with TP...but at a certain point I had to realize that there was only so much I could do to make him feel welcome.

A lot of his feelings were coming from his upbringing and background. At a certain point you've done all you can conceivably do to help, and there has to be movement on the other end. While you do have to be welcoming, there has to be some reciprocation on the other side to get over this....it's not all you.

redpepper 01-10-2011 07:41 PM

Poly is strange. There is no doubt about it. You are embarking on a different journey than the main stream... it will take time to adjust and feel comfortable and safe within it. Be patient and keep at it. If you don't know what is going on then ask. Don't assume (that she just wants sex for instance), don't have expectations... ask. When someone asks you what is going on for you then be honest and direct while keeping respect and empathy for the receiver. When you talk to her or your husband or both, tell them that you expect the same so that you can all learn about each other and begin normalizing all this. I know you know your husband, but you don't know him in this context, so don't assume you do. Another person coming into a relationship changes everything and everyone... for you and the person who is also including you in her life... she is trying her best also (she left because she was thinking about your kids) so trust that and if you aren't sure,... ask.

Indigomontoya 01-10-2011 08:38 PM


Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 59616)

Best. Advice. Ever.

Communication is key, both of your needs and their's. You're adding an extra person into the mix, and RP is right, assuming that your husband are the same in a totally different context will lead to trouble. Simply assuming too much will lead to miscommunication and trouble...you need to communicate your needs to them and you need to be receptive of their needs when they tell you what they are, and you have to make sure they do, or ask them to.

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