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bookbug 06-18-2013 12:29 PM

I posted here for awhile 1-2 years ago.

My story: spent over two decades in a hinged (f-m-f) under the same roof triad, that only ended when the hinge passed away. Like any relationship, it had its ups and downs. In our case, those seemed due to ordinary causes - not caused by the triad configuration. She and I are still very close, but living separately as we want different things in our lives.

It wasn't too long before I found myself in another triad. Because I was in some ways still reeling from the loss of my love, I didn't see the warning signs - the signs of real trouble in the marriage. I listened to this couples words, and dismissed some of the issues in their behavior. I trusted easily because she was a childhood friend with whom I'd had intermittent contact throughout our lives. What that intermittent contact failed to reveal is that she was still emotionally a twelve year old. Her husband worked very hard to compensate, which also disguised her immaturity.

Suffice it to say a twelve year does not have the capability of functioning well in a traditional marriage, much less a triad. She was fancifully enamored with our triad, pushed for it, then did a complete 180 and was done. Period. We failed. I left. And he tried to learn how to no longer love me - or at least pretend not to - at her request. The damage was already done. My mature presence had pointed out just how dysfunctional she was. Two marriage counselors and a year after I left, and they are in the process of divorcing.

He and I remain close friends. We live separately. (Something she fails to understand to this day is that he did not leave her for me.) We see each other when we can, communicate daily. Trying to pick our way towards the future. Neither of us is sure what that looks like exactly. He is still trying to recover from the loss of his 15 year marriage and take care of his kids. (Lots of guilt about the kids.) And I feel a lot like a duck out of water living alone.

(From my perspective, while the loss of my love through death was bad, what he is going through seems worse. His ex never allows for any mutual understanding between them. Of course, she didn't in her marriage either. )

At the moment he and I have ruled out being mono together. We are very alike, get along beautifully - but it is almost as if we are too alike. HA! It kind of feels like we are 2/3 of a relationship. Not sure how much of that is accurate, or if it feels that way because of our start. Also very difficult to tell how much is driven by guilt - his and perhaps mine. We are both very logical. And I sometimes think that gets in the way of identifying what we are feeling, because feelings often don't make sense.

And that's my story - so far. :)

kdt26417 06-18-2013 07:01 PM

Hi bookbug,

Sorry to hear about the mishaps you have had in your poly relationships. I hope you and this husband fellow get something worked out that is mutually compatible.

bookbug 06-18-2013 11:18 PM

Thank you. While things are not ideal, it is better than it was for a long time.

Morava 06-25-2013 10:38 AM

I am so very sorry about everything.

JadeDoor 06-25-2013 06:17 PM

I'm sorry for your loss. And for what you've gone through since then. It all sounds very complicated. Best wishes to you.

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