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-   -   Feeling like the third wheel (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=48862)

kittenkittykat 06-17-2013 06:41 AM

Feeling like the third wheel
 
Quick Question is it ever a good thing to feel like the third wheel? Lately, I have been feeling like the third wheel. For example, it's almost like they are in a disconnect from me . They will watch tv in the bedroom and if I am in another room they don't even attempt to invite me or ask if I am ok which does bother me because I check on them and make multiple daily attempts to be connected with them. When we were living apart we could talk for hrs and now that I am living here I feel like it's a fight to get any attention that I need. When I first moved in she would give me these long embracing hugs and now it's like I have to beg for them. It's a bit heartbreaking that I crave attention and don't seem to get my needs met for weeks at a time. I don't know if I am just being insecure or if I have a right to get my needs met.
L

Marcus 06-17-2013 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kittenkittykat (Post 210262)
Quick Question is it ever a good thing to feel like the third wheel?

No, but this is much ado about your feelings which you are entirely responsible for.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kittenkittykat (Post 210262)
They will watch tv in the bedroom and if I am in another room they don't even attempt to invite me or ask if I am ok which does bother me because I check on them and make multiple daily attempts to be connected with them.

Do they know that you have the expectation that they treat you the way you treat them? This expectation is going to bite you in the ass (sounds like it is doing so currently). People behave by their own value systems and social instincts; you have yours, they have theirs.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kittenkittykat (Post 210262)
When I first moved in she would give me these long embracing hugs and now it's like I have to beg for them. It's a bit heartbreaking that I crave attention and don't seem to get my needs met for weeks at a time.

People change, frequently. Sounds like she isn't (currently) as interested in the kind of intimacy with you that she was previously.

You don't get to plan for other people how loving they are to behave toward you. All you can do is state your preference and live your life. Waiting around or begging (oh god please don't beg, that's such a turn off) isn't going to do anything but build resentment. Get out of the house, get a hobby, get some friends, do whatever you need to do live your life. However I strongly recommend that you move away from worrying what they are doing vs what they used to do and imagining that you have some constructive say in this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kittenkittykat (Post 210262)
I don't know if I am just being insecure or if I have a right to get my needs met.
L

You do not have a right to get your needs met. They do not have a responsibility to meet your needs.

You do have a right to seek out situations which will increase the possibility of getting your "needs" met. The world also has the right to not give a shit. We don't get to just have all of our desires respected and capitulated by the people around us, our happiness is entirely in our own hands and putting it in the hands of others is going to cause pain (e.g. your current situation)

Magdlyn 06-17-2013 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 210307)

You don't get to plan for other people how loving they are to behave toward you. All you can do is state your preference...

You do not have a right to get your needs met. They do not have a responsibility to meet your needs.

I'd take issue with this. If one is in a loving relationship and states needs, or desires... for anything! A romantic dinner with candles, more sex, more romance, more conversation, help with chores and errands, maybe a vacation together, just more quality face time, and one's partner(s) refuse, there is something wrong. I wouldn't tell a poly person, oh well, go out and get your needs met elsewhere, leaving the partners behind to do their thing. She loves them, she wants more connection! If they can't or won't give it, what's the point of staying together?

Moving in together is a challenge. It is ironic, sometimes you spend less time together once you're in the same house!

But what you say here, taken with all the baby discussion on your other thread, I think they are sending you a message. And that message is, we want you to give us a baby, and all you get in return is a roof over your head.

Quote:

You do have a right to seek out situations which will increase the possibility of getting your "needs" met. The world also has the right to not give a shit. We don't get to just have all of our desires respected and capitulated by the people around us, our happiness is entirely in our own hands and putting it in the hands of others is going to cause pain (e.g. your current situation)
That just sounds very anti-social. Our friends and lovers are here to help us have our needs met, and to enjoy each other's company, otherwise why have any?

kitty, are you 3 poly fi? Are you considering moving back out? This whole thing doesnt sound very healthy or fun. Read this, stat:

http://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html

Marcus 06-17-2013 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 210310)
That just sounds very anti-social.

Huh? The fact that I do not consider myself entitled to friends and family capitulating to my every request for emotional placation is anti-social?

I'm almost afraid to ask but, how did you get there?

Dagferi 06-17-2013 03:47 PM

All relationships have bad days. Murf and I had a couple bad days where things felt off. I said my feelings and needs and he made sure to step up meet my needs and make me feel better.

If you stated your needs and they are not trying or blow you off then maybe it is time to seek your happiness outside this situation. I definitely would not have a child in this situation.

london 06-17-2013 04:51 PM

If anyone stays in a relationship where none if their needs are met, I'd suggest they were either of low intelligence or has extremely low self esteem. Your partner, especially in a poly situation, doesn't have the responsibility of meeting all your needs, but surely, to be your partner, they have to met some if the needs that you have.

If someone really believes that they have a partner our partners that dint met any of their needs, then I question firstly how healthy that relationship actually is, and secondly, why someone would stay in a relationship that leaves them unfulfilled. It would be a red flag of sorts.

Marcus 06-17-2013 05:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by london (Post 210327)
If someone really believes that they have a partner our partners that dint met any of their needs, then I question firstly how healthy that relationship actually is, and secondly, why someone would stay in a relationship that leaves them unfulfilled. It would be a red flag of sorts.

Of course, if I'm not getting any of what I want from a relationship then there would be no reason to be in it.

I didn't get the impression from the OP that she's getting absolutely nothing from the relationship(s); she's just not getting as much time and affection as she'd like. That's certainly a frustration and getting those wants sated (assuming it is important to her) should get bumped up in priority of how she spends her day. While her partners don't seem to be interested (currently) in sating those wants for her it would make sense that getting another outlet would be the next logical step.

I am, of course, assuming that she has made her desires known but that the response isn't positive for whatever reason.

london 06-17-2013 05:12 PM

Yeah, I wasn't exactly directing that at the OP.

GalaGirl 06-17-2013 05:39 PM

Quote:

It's a bit heartbreaking that I crave attention and don't seem to get my needs met for weeks at a time. I don't know if I am just being insecure or if I have a right to get my needs met.
You sound sad. I'm sorry your hurt. :(

You have the need for attention/connection to your partners. For whatever reason -- they are not meeting your need. Your choices could be...
a) talk to them about it and ask for changes. Nobody is a mind reader. Maybe they don't know you have needs going unmet?

b) Accept you have X size need. They can only provide Y. So the rest you have to get met elsewhere. Then you can be with them while getting your X size need filled. (YOU change, you can control this)

c) Accept they can only provide Y. Try to live with Y size then. Give up needing X size and adapt to Y size. (YOU change, you can control this)

d) Decide you want X size, give them up. You need more than they can give and partial Y size that they could give just is not enough. (You change, you can control this)

e) You ask and they give you X need. (You can ASK. But in the end only THEY can control their behavior and their willingness to give X. They control this. )

f) Some other choice I cannot think of right now. (Maybe someone else has ideas?)
I'd go with trying out one of the ones YOU can do. See if that serves you better.

Galagirl

kittenkittykat 06-18-2013 03:47 AM

Okay first let me say that I am not saying that all my needs aren't being met. I just feel that I don't think I should have to say hey I want to watch tv or feel like I have to ask for my basic needs of affection to be met.

Today seemed a little more promising since she did express some loving care towards me. She actually has been sick all day but thanked me for takimg care of all the household duties and the child. Even hugged me. I see a glimmer of hope that things are getting better. We also talked about that I need to be talking to them if an issue comes up rather than just sweeping my feelings aside.

Thank you all for your input. I realize I might have to learn to met my own needs at times that they can't.
L


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