One Way Street...
The past several weeks I have been browsing this forum and have found it invaluable. I am new to the polyamory scene and my current girlfriend has been flirting with the idea for a couple years now but is only trying it out for the first time with us. We have been together for about a year and other than the polyamory issue we have a very strong relationship.
I have a lot of deep seeded issues concerning rejection, being alone, etc from my childhood that I have spent years in therapy overcoming and slowly but surely I am. This is putting a hold on my relationship though. Once again I can't seem to jump past my insecurities and be happy with a girl that loves me. Luckily she is very reasonable and patient and willing to help me through this so we can experiment and have a successful relationship with each other and others. Lately though it has been seeming it is becoming a one way street.
She believes that her life is her life and our life is ours. That she need not tell me who she is with or what she is doing (these are just friends tho). That she doesn't want to spend our time talking about other people, and invading our time together. However, whenever I go out she questions me on where, when, who and etc. To me I feel that I respect her enough to tell her at least who and what and the fact that she does not feel the same makes my insecurities come to rise. That she is hiding things from me, and it is starting to make the relationship feel more distant to me.
I am writing this to you all to seek advice from other people that may or may not have been in the same boat. I want this to work, we love each other very much and both our lifestyles warrant a polyamory relationship. I'm just having a hard time with what is mentioned above and the general feeling of abandonment with her wanting to see other people.
Thank you, and have a great 2011
Hm. I am similar to your girlfriend. Mostly because I like my privacy and enjoy doing my own thing. It makes me feel like I have my own life. I do give the basics though as that is just respectful. I also stick to what I agree to and in that way have integrity with my loves. The more I do what I say and say what I do the more they trust me and the more freedom I have to do my own thing.
I ask a million questions of my partners simply because I am interested. I never thought there might be an imbalance! Does your girlfriend know you feel like this? Maybe she is just not aware its an issue for you.
I would suggest discussing what information you want to know from her and what info she wants to know from you. The necessary stuff. Then the rest can be talked about if either of you feel like sharing it. If one of you asks the other what happened then that should be okay I think. If neither of you want to reply then its shouldn't be held above the other. Sometimes I just don't feel like it because its not interesting and I would rather talk about something else. I have partners that trust me though and don't have similar considerations to you. Perhaps in the moment you could say that it would make you feel more secure if she were to answer but that you will deal with it if it is really a big deal. That is if you actually would be able to deal with it. All that would be up to you.
I struggled, and am struggling with some of the issues you are dealing with.
As for the asking questions and wanting information, I think you need to make it clear that there is a certain level of information required to alleviate your anxiety. When TP started going out we had a very frank discussion of what I wanted to know, I laid out very very specifically what I needed and she did the same. We came to a consensus as to what was required of all involved to allow this to work healthily and properly.
If she needs to keep some things separate, then you have to be accepting of that; but by the same token she needs to address your need for information. Early on I had said I didn't want to know about her dates, that changed and with knowledge came acceptance....As I have said you need to make clear your needs, if she cannot see them, then you need to reevaluate your importance to her.
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