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-   -   Tearing Mind and Soul Apart (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=48716)

DarkDuality 06-13-2013 04:21 AM

Tearing Mind and Soul Apart
Greetings, I'm new here. First I want to say I am monogamous, but I'm having a large issue and wanted to post here for advice.

Let me start by saying I have Asperger's, meaning social interaction is not really my sort of thing. That said, I had a discussion with someone who was polyamorous. It did not end well. He went on saying that polyamory is superior, for reasons I don't quite remember. But what happened was that it ended up making my way to love feel broken. I felt extremely sad. I don't have anything against other people who are polyamorous. I believe that every person is different, each with a different way that makes us happy. I'm fine with how people choose to pursue happiness, as long as they don't belittle or infringe on other's happiness.

But this gives me little solace. The more I read about it, the worse I feel. The studies just seem to reinforce that my love is broken. It's almost made me break down and cry, and my mind is tearing apart. It feels like I'm being forced to go into a relationship style that does not feel right to me.

I just want thoughts on this, advice please.

Marcus 06-13-2013 04:29 AM

Life is not "one size fits all". Live yours in whatever way brings you and your consenting partner joy.

If you're curious about other worldviews then do more research. I'm not sure what "studies" you are referring to but I doubt they prove one relationship arrangement is superior to another. Also, since you don't even remember what this guy told you about the awesome that is poly... it can't be that difficult to get over?

DarkDuality 06-13-2013 04:40 AM

Let me think, here's some:

1. It is unrealistic to think one person can fill every need (I know this, everyone says there is no such thing as the one).

2. It leads to a greater sense of fulfillment by loving more than one (I'm not too certain about this).

3. Allows for healthy amounts of alone time (something that can be discussed with proper communication in mono).

I understand how they view the world. But I also recognize that it's just not for me. But I just feel like I'm being pressured into doing it. I'm even questioning my parents relationship, and they're together for 26 years. I'm not saying one is better than another, but it just feels like my way is broken.

london 06-13-2013 06:09 AM

Hey, I'm also on the autistic spectrum. What you have to realise about NTs are that they are largely illogical. I pay very little attention to anything they day because it's usually founded on lies. Usually they lite to themselves. Anywho, poly people are no better than mono people, at all. It just gives some people a false sense of security when they believe their lifestyle means they are more evolved and enlightened. NTs are here to make is giggle, make sure one makes you laugh everyday.

InfinitePossibility 06-13-2013 07:10 AM

Please don't feel broken. There is absolutely no need to. Plenty of people go through their lives being monogamous with nothing awful happening to them.

Here is my take on your points:

1. It is unrealistic to think one person can fill every need -

Of course it is. But being monogamous doesn't mean that one person must fill every need. I am currently in a monogamous relationship and my life is filled with love. I have a wide circle of friends and family that I keep in close contact with.

My partner doesn't even meet all my sexual needs. I have regular, excellent sex with myself. I am my own best sexual partner and have been for years.

For me being monogamous means that I am not having sex with other people. That's it. Nothing about one person meeting all my needs.

2. It leads to a greater sense of fulfillment by loving more than one.

It might do and it might not do. I think that depends very much on the people involved. I would suggest reading through these boards (and maybe some on monogamous relationships too). I suspect that you'll find on both sides that some people have an enormous sense of fulfillment and others are living a nightmare.

Loving more than one is no guarantee.

Right now I am not attracted to the work that would be involved in having more than one romantic relationship. I think I would find it oppressive and annoying - that is why I have one romantic relationship at the moment.

3. Allows for healthy amounts of alone time.

Again that depends on the individuals and on their needs for alone time. What might be healthy alone time for one person would be horribly lonely for another.

Plus anybody with multiple important partners are likely to find themselves struggling for alone time.

I hope you feel better soon.


Hetaera 06-13-2013 10:27 AM

That was 1 person's opinion. I can understand why you are upset. I don't have Aspberger's but sometimes I take to heart the things other people say much more than I need to.

I'm poly & bi & am not going around saying that my lifestyle is superior. It's what makes me happy (and sometimes unhappy too). All relationships have their pros & cons. I honestly have many problems with monogamy (& always have) but that's based on my perspective & my experience & I'm not going to bash it. I know for some it works or is just plain necessary. If you like monogamy & it works for you, then keep doing it!

To me, monogamy or poly or whatever is about living an authentic life where you are true to yourself, your needs, your desires, your boundaries, etc. There is not a one-size fits all mentality when it comes to love & relationships. We all have our issues, our histories and our hang-ups, even poly people have hang-ups, some with big ones :-)

I recommend the book Sex at Dawn to everyone, it's a great read & explains the evolutionary foundation for being poly. Then again it also reminds us that even though our evolutionary foundation might be in poly, our psychology keeps us rooted in monogamy, which is perfectly fine if it makes you happy.

Marcus 06-13-2013 01:55 PM


Originally Posted by DarkDuality (Post 209458)
I understand how they view the world. But I also recognize that it's just not for me.

Then what's the problem? Carry on being happy and monogamous.

Is this an Aspergers thing? I don't know much about it other than the social awkwardness part. Taking an outside opinion to heart to such a degree that it is "tearing doth mind and precious soul asunder, oh the whole of me doth break" is going to make your life pretty difficult.


Originally Posted by DarkDuality (Post 209458)
But I just feel like I'm being pressured into doing it. I'm even questioning my parents relationship, and they're together for 26 years. I'm not saying one is better than another, but it just feels like my way is broken.

While I would say you've got the response to hearing a different view point throttled WAAAAY to high, there is still value in hearing new ideas. It's nothing to be afraid of or that should literally rip you in half. It's just a new idea, consider it skeptically, ponder the assertions individually, then decide if you accept the proposition or not. THEN decide if you want to include it in your way of life.

YouAreHere 06-13-2013 02:28 PM

You're not broken.

Your friend holds a different world view than you do, and does so enthusiastically. It doesn't make it a proper world view for you.

My partner is poly and went through the "polyvangelistic" phase. I'm mono. I haven't been converted yet, and don't feel the need to be. I'm such a heretic. :cool:

GalaGirl 06-13-2013 02:30 PM


It feels like I'm being forced to go into a relationship style that does not feel right to me.
If this person is NOT harassing you or pressuring you, but merely sharing that they have a different lovestyle than you, that's fine. Everyone is entitled to their own preferences. But if someone is harassing you, that is not cool. :mad:

Are you able to tell with the Asperger if this is harassment or not? Is that part of the problem? Are they preying on that to gaslight you? :(

If you are being pressured by someone to do something you do not want to do? That is not kind of them to do to you. You could say "No, thank you. I don't want to be in relationship with you." And walk away.

There are some people in the world who like to push buttons. Then when you come out to "prove them wrong" in the end they got you to do/give what they wanted. If this person wants to be in polyship with you and you are not willing/able? And they are doing the "c'mon, don't be so unevolved" schtick? Note they are not showing loving, kind behavior toward you from the beginning. Why get sucked into more of that treatment?

  • AGREE -- "I am too unevolved for you" if that gets them off your back faster. Really it is that they are too rude for YOU, but don't say that and have them hanging around bugging you some more proving how rude they are not.
  • Or play the broken record. "No, thank you. Not interested in your offer."

If you being harassed? This is what is broken. Get away from this person who is making you feel "less than" in your lovestyle and in your self.

You are NOT less than. You have worth, dignity and value just as you are. They just do not value you.

There is NOTHING wrong with being monoamorous (desire/capacity to be loving one person at a time) and wanting it to come in a monogamous shape relationship (closed to two people.)

This is your preference and you have every right to choose how you want to be and feel happiest in.


opalescent 06-13-2013 03:24 PM

Continuum, not duality
Did the person you were talking with say poly is superior for everyone? I ask because it is possible that they were talking about how it is superior for them personally and did not make that clear. That 'superior for me but not extending that to all of humanity' is often unspoken and implied and can be hard to pick up for the more direct communication inclined.

But if he just straight up said that everyone should be poly because it is superior - well he is categorically wrong. As others have said there is no 'one size fits all' relationship structure.

If your way of being in relationships makes you happy, does not hurt you or others, and makes your partner content as well, that is how you determine if your relationship style suits you.

You are not broken. Not at all. You merely have some new information to process and think about.

I have some suggestions about fitting this new information into your mental structures. Feel free to use if helpful and ignore if not.

Some of the folks I know who are somewhere on the autism spectrum tend to emphasize duality - things are THIS or they are NOT. (Lots of neurotypical people do this too.) There is sometimes difficulty in getting that some things are more of continuum - things are more like THIS and less like THAT. Thinking more in dualities will get your brain wrapped around the axle when contemplating things like polyamory, monogamy and relationships in general.

To use some science analogies, dualities are digital - they are ON or they are OFF. Ones and zeros. Continuums are more like the structure of light - they are both waves and particles at the same time - they act like waves OR particles depending on the situation to the outside observer but remain fundamentally both waves and particles.

So back to relationship styles. It may seem like polyamory and monogamy are dualities - polar opposites. And they are different, there is no doubt about that. It might seem that you have to pick one. But that is not accurate. Many people, like myself, move back and forth between monogamy and polyamory. I was monogamous - and I was good at being monogamous and it worked for me. My situation changed and now I find being polyamorous works best for me right now. And if you think about it, monogamy and polyamory are continuums themselves. For example, many people agree that monogamy is one partner, in love, sexually faithful to that partner for life or however long the relationship lasts, often with a legal basis (marriage). But not all monogamous people get legally married. Many never marry - or they get divorced and remarry. Sometimes several times! Some monogamous people consider themselves monogamous even if they or their partner is strongly emotionally attached to someone outside of the relationship but there is no sexual activity. Others consider themsevles monogamous if they or their partner has sex without emotional involvement outside of the relationship. One can argue that this is not monogamy but the people in those relationships have decided that for them, it is.

tl:dr. Relationships are more like a continuum than a duality. There is no one right way for everyone.

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