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-   -   ADVICE please! Shifting from Primary to Platonic Primary (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=48576)

copper 06-10-2013 05:21 AM

ADVICE please! Shifting from Primary to Platonic Primary
 
Hey Everyone!

ANY experience or advice in this department would be greatly appreciated!

My primary partner and I of 7 years, decided last year to stop being sexual partners, and this fall decided to move into separate housing. We continue to have romantic date nights, cuddle sleep overs, support each other, talk about the future, and love and respect each other deeply. However, we havnt been sexual for awhile and that aspect of our relationship seems to be naturally fading away.

We both have had secondary partners during this time, he recently has a secondary relationship that is getting more serious and that person is having a hard time understanding our relationship and how she fits in, if there is room for her.

Basically we are at a point where we both feel that societal tug and that pressure from our other lovers to just stop calling what we have a "life partnership" and just become really good friends. This idea of "breaking up"

We are at a big transition that feels really scary for us to navigate. We don't know where we are going. we want to make space for these other/new relationships but we don't want to loose all the specialness we have together. We want there to be fluidity with what could potentially bloom with us- maybe lovers again? maybe coparents? But we don't want to push people away from getting close to us. His new sweetie is very threatened by our "partner" status. I feel like he is getting scared and scarcity feelings of- we will never find other people that will understand our connection so we should just stop calling each other life partners.
Meanwhile my secondary partner is triggered by me and my partners closeness and is worried I will always keep her at arms distance if he remains my life partner.

We both recognize we are with people that are very challenged by "poly" but we also both love them and want to figure out how to make it all work!

Anyone been through this before?
Anyone have experience transitioning from life partner to "platonic life partner?"
How to provide trust and reassurance to new partners so we can make space for what potentially could or couldn't happen with our connection?

THank you!

SEcondary 06-10-2013 12:07 PM

My wife and I have a relationship somewhat like his. Her lover is the one who meets her sexual needs. He is a lot bigger than me. She basically doesn't need sex with me anymore. We love it this way. We still play and she tells me how good it is with her lover. Things have never been better. We would never think of not living with each other. I am the most important person in her life. She loves her boyfriend a lot. I am very understanding and supportive

GalaGirl 06-10-2013 01:17 PM

Well... it seems you both want these things but I'll reframe it with "willing" ok? Just to see how it reads.
  • We want and are willing to stay together in a loving but non-sexual partnership. We want and are willing to be maybe lovers again? maybe coparents?
  • We want and are willing to live separately.
  • We want and are willing to continue to date and have cuddle sleepovers, etc.
  • We want and are willing to make space for these other/new relationships but we don't want to stop seeing each other.

His partner and your partners are feeling weird now -- presumably they were ok with it when you were living together and life partners? Could ask them what changed for them. Reassure they are important to you.
  • But we don't want to push people away from getting close to us. ( <--- you both don't control this willingness. That's the willingness of your other partners. You two get to state "We want and are willing to have other relationships with other people." The part that goes "we want and are willing to be close partners to YOU TWO" is what THEY get to state. Not you. )

Quote:

His new sweetie is very threatened by our "partner" status. I feel like he is getting scared and scarcity feelings of- we will never find other people that will understand our connection so we should just stop calling each other life partners.
Well, could you be willing to drop the name of "life partner" and just be whatever it is you have together to make his life easier with the other partner? Or is the "life partner" name important to you and you prefer another solution?

Could he be willing to reassure his partner? Maybe page 5 & 6 could help on this jealousy article. Or think about the green eyed monster thing.

Quote:

Meanwhile my secondary partner is triggered by me and my partners closeness and is worried I will always keep her at arms distance if he remains my life partner
.

Could you be willing to do same "jealousy things" above with your other partners?

What behavior do you need to demonstrate to her to show her you are not keeping her at "arm's distance?" Has she told you? Could you be willing to to that behavior if she tells you what that could be?

Have all these players talked in a group together for how to adjust to this new transition -- the living separate thing? Is that something you all want to do?

Just some ideas. Not sure what could serve you best in your situation.

GL!
Galagirl

Magdlyn 06-10-2013 03:28 PM

I don't have any advice like Gala Girl does, but I do empathize, since my bf is married (they've been together about 30 years) and he and his wife have sex extremely rarely (as far as I can determine, 4 times a year tops). He also lives and sleeps in a cabin on their land, and she lives and sleeps in the main house.

They do have a ritual of reading out loud to each other every evening, and playing a board game, and they usually take a walk together every morning, plus work on their cars, the washing machine or whatever other home repairs they need to do. Plus they are co parents of their 2 sons. They also often grocery shop together, take each other to medical appts as needed, things like that.

I don't feel threatened in any way by their relationship. *shrug* I don't know why I would! I see Ginger at least once a week, often twice, we have tons of sex, we go out on dates, he helps me with MY home repairs, sometimes he brings me flowers from his gardens. We talk, we cuddle, we go dancing, I love to listen to him play guitar and sing. Any needs he doesn't meet, I have met by my live-in gf, miss pixi. Or I meet them myself. Or if I feel the need for any more attention, I flirt with boys on ok cupid.:p


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