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-   -   Coming out to a couple of friends you want to be with: is this smart? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=48553)

felele888 06-09-2013 07:05 PM

Coming out to a couple of friends you want to be with: is this smart?
 
I'm new to this revelation that I'm a poly person, so I need a little advice, and maybe someone to tell me I'm jumping the gun thinking about this particular stuff.

I have a couple of friends that I think are really sexy. I mean, not just in a physical-attraction, I-only-want-to-hump-you sort of way; they inspire a sense of awe and wonder in me.

I've been fantasizing about what it would be like to be with them in a triad situation for, like, months, and I've never told either of them about this. My relationship with SO was at a pretty rocky point recently (right before I realized I was poly), and I thought if I left him, I would run to the (unguaranteed) safety of their arms. But I didn't leave him, because I love the heck out of him, and want to stay with him forever, for real. But now I want to run to the safety of their arms for love's sake; to improve my life.

Generally, I see these folks individually or together several times a week-- we just really enjoy hanging out with each other, and have developed a stronger and stronger bond.

[Quick backstory: there was a New Year's beach house vacation moment where me and the female component of the couple actually did hook up/ have sex in one of those drunken hot tub experiences that are always so fun, and so confusing, if you happen to remember them. So we have a sexual connection already, of sorts.]

I haven't told my SO that I'm crushing on them pretty hard, but he has to know. And the female, she totally knows, I think. I think everybody knows, actually, but we haven't said anything about it to each other (and, let me clarify: to me, specifically).

I'm kind of worried about even bringing up my poly-ness or my desires to either one of them, because the female is pretty jealous, and protective of her man; maybe she would be distrustful of me being around the dude, who is one of my very best friends-- I don't want to mess that up.

So, people aren't interchangeable, and I don't know if I would feel this attraction for anyone else like I do for them, but I ask: would it be safer to look in other ponds, for fish that might be a little less spiny? Or should I look fear in the eye and press forward with what I want, now that I know I can have this, and am also aware that I may get shot down?

I think I want to go for it-- I don't think it'll affect our friendship too much-- maybe she will keep being jealous and scared: oh well. I can only do my best to reassure her that I'm not trying to wreck any homes or break anyone up.

But what about my SO? Any mono-poly newbs have a girl or guy who wanted to get with a couple that was friends with you?

Anybody got experiences with this? Surely, you must. :o

kdt26417 06-09-2013 08:21 PM

Sorry, nothin' here. :o But I think you should go for it and let this couple know how you feel. Perhaps start by talking to the woman about it. Then she won't feel so much like you're doing an "end run" around her to get her man.

Talk to your SO about it and find out how he feels.

LovingRadiance 06-10-2013 02:39 AM

"but he has to know"
Red flag.

As soon as you start assuming instead of ensuring that you are explicitly stating-you invite communication issues.
In poly, these sorts of issues are compounded by number of people involved.

I advise having a very explicit and point blank conversation with your bf FIRST.

I (dead serious here) would run screaming for the hills if someone told me they were poly and thought their partner "must know" ANYTHING. No way I would date them. Just reading that line sent my "drama-magnet warning sign" into high alert.

GalaGirl 06-10-2013 02:34 PM

Quote:

I haven't told my SO that I'm crushing on them pretty hard, but he has to know.
Ok. Tell him then. There. Checked the first one off.

Quote:

And the female, she totally knows, I think. I think everybody knows, actually, but we haven't said anything about it to each other (and, let me clarify: to me, specifically).
Then if things are good with your SO... could move on down the list and change those "think I knows" to "I KNOW I knows... cuz I asked/told them! I told them I find them attractive and am open to dating if they are interested. If not, that's fine too."

Quote:

I'm kind of worried about even bringing up my poly-ness or my desires to either one of them, because the female is pretty jealous, and protective of her man; maybe she would be distrustful of me being around the dude, who is one of my very best friends-- I don't want to mess that up.
Then you have to decide what you value more.

1) Established friendships and "free from jealous" drama (Price of admission = do not date them, place on my messy people list.)

2) Changing friendships to dating potentials. (price of admission = take a risk, and that revelation will be received well/not well.)

There's always the price of admission somewhere. Figure out what you want to pay/can afford at this time.

Quote:

would it be safer to look in other ponds, for fish that might be a little less spiny? Or should I look fear in the eye and press forward with what I want, now that I know I can have this, and am also aware that I may get shot down?
Your decision who is on your "messy people" list.

Everyone has their messy people. People like "my or my partner's bosses, parents, siblings, teacher" etc. If you decide these friends are also on your "messy people" list for whatever reason, they are on your list then.

Quote:

I think I want to go for it-- I don't think it'll affect our friendship too much-- maybe she will keep being jealous and scared: oh well. I can only do my best to reassure her that I'm not trying to wreck any homes or break anyone up.
Why is she jealous/scared right now? When you are all friends?

Quote:

But what about my SO? Any mono-poly newbs have a girl or guy who wanted to get with a couple that was friends with you?
I am tired. I do not understand this sentence as written. Is this what you mean? :confused: Or if I am wrong in my guess, could you clarify?
"Polyamorous me is partnered with monoamorous SO. I want to pursue this couple we are friends with. I am worried my SO's response to my wanting to pursue this couple for (sex only? Romancing?)."
If that is what you meant, it goes back full circle. Could talk to your SO first about your crush, and your possible desire to pursue the couple for ____ type relationship.

Galagirl

felele888 06-10-2013 05:14 PM

Thanks!
 
Thank you so much for the helpful insights!
I am encouraged.

LovingRadiance: It's been hard for me to initiate communication about this subject because I'm used to pressing these feelings down, but I'm working on getting better at it. SO has a lot of problems talking about relationships and sex, too, but he's about to go talk to a therapist and get some stuff off his chest, then we're probably going to have a communication session together, whereafter we will have the tools to practice constant, open communication, which is the goal. So, none of this is likely going to happen before I'm able to talk to SO frankly about it. But, having observed his non-verbal communication, my hunch is that he's aware I have a crush. But we'll talk about it.
Additionally, not to sound too defensive, but I've only been aware that it's even possible for me to be poly in the last few days. (Since Thursday.) My eyes are open wide, and ready to read any and all things poly-related and communication-related, to really learn about this and try to become an expert at navigating it. So, I wish I didn't immediately come off as a drama queen, but I appreciate your patience and guidance as I head through on this amazing journey.

Those are really good initiative steps, kdt26417: talk to SO first; then to the female, if I decide that this couple isn't too messy to mess with. Yeah-- then I guess it will open itself up like a flower!

GalaGirl: sorry about that last sentence. What I meant to ask was whether anyone on the forum had been in this situation before, as a new poly person with a monogamous partner. Like, if anyone actually did what I'm thinking about doing, and how it worked out for them.
I am aware that there's a cost of admission for any relationship, and couching this situation in those economic terms makes it less confusing-- much easier to understand. Yes, there's a cost! How much am I willing to pay? It's also a gamble-- I will have to bet on all parties still loving and accepting me after all this is out in the open. I think the odds are pretty good. They already know I'm an impulsive, hormonally-charged weirdo. And like I said a bunch of times, I don't think they'll be really surprised.

Thanks again!

LovingRadiance 06-10-2013 05:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by felele888 (Post 209006)

LovingRadiance: It's been hard for me to initiate communication about this subject because I'm used to pressing these feelings down, but I'm working on getting better at it. SO has a lot of problems talking about relationships and sex, too, but he's about to go talk to a therapist and get some stuff off his chest, then we're probably going to have a communication session together, whereafter we will have the tools to practice constant, open communication, which is the goal. So, none of this is likely going to happen before I'm able to talk to SO frankly about it. But, having observed his non-verbal communication, my hunch is that he's aware I have a crush. But we'll talk about it.
Additionally, not to sound too defensive, but I've only been aware that it's even possible for me to be poly in the last few days. (Since Thursday.) My eyes are open wide, and ready to read any and all things poly-related and communication-related, to really learn about this and try to become an expert at navigating it. So, I wish I didn't immediately come off as a drama queen, but I appreciate your patience and guidance as I head through on this amazing journey.

Sentence in red-
in that case, I even MORE highly advise that you not make a move yet with the other couple.
One of the keys to minimizing the drama and problems that can arise from these types of dynamics-is to be sure that you have addressed as much as possible in your current relationship FIRST.

That means, before you even consider making a move, you take time to research the pitfalls and risks involved (together) and discuss boundaries, hard limits, soft limits, fears, concerns etc.

Gala girl has written TONS on this board regarding all of these things. Many of us have personal blogs outlining the same. There are websites you can find if you do a google search for "poly" or "polyamory".

I am in a V configuration. Neither of my guys has anyone else at the moment. One is poly, but not in an additional relationship, the other is mono.

The most important detail that has helped us to work through problems that have arisen (and problems WILL arise), is being able to share every nuance of our feelings, needs, desires, dreams, fears, concerns, etc with one another. If we couldn't do that-we couldn't maintain trust and the relationship would fall apart.

GalaGirl 06-10-2013 07:28 PM

Could not rush it. Could read more with you partner. These are some "hub" pages that lead to more readings. There's much more out there than just these.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p...iola/open.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://www.morethantwo.com/

Could do the worksheets together.
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

Could learn non-violent communication. (Either of the marshal rosenberg books -- "non violent communication" or "living non-violent communication")

If you and current partner don't have the interpersonal or intrapersonal skills as strong as you'd like yet -- like knowing yourselves, communication and conflict resolution skills -- take the time to grow them so your foray into dating multiple people is a good experience for all involved.

GL!
Galagirl

felele888 06-10-2013 08:54 PM

Oh my gosh, thank you for all these resources!
I will get to work on that asap, and not worry about messing with the friends situation right now.
Thanks, Nice Folks!

Hetaera 06-13-2013 11:38 AM

I'm a relative poly-newbie but here's my 2 cents

I don't think there is any rush here even though it sounds like your feelings are intense. It sounds like you're making a lot of assumptions with the couple, maybe with a dash of wishful thinking. I am also concerned b/c, to me, being poly is about being totally honest, honest about who you are, who you want to be with & how you manage your relationships. If you're having problems with your SO, I think you need to start resolving those issues before you look elsewhere for happiness. Again to me, poly is about adding more to your life, not about fixing something that's broken. I'm wondering if maybe you're so starved for some connection b/c of a possibly failing relationship that maybe (and that's just a maybe) you're making assumptions with the couple & jumping headfirst into something that can crash & burn.

With my poly relationships, maintaining my friendship with my lovers is way more important than the romantic/sexual nature of our relationships. I would never want anything to get in the way of the friendship. That's just my situation & my opinion though. Think about the consequences if you've made some incorrect assumptions & the couple doesn't accept your advances? We must always consider the consequences of our actions in all facets of our life. I have 2 little kids & I view this as one of the biggest lessons I can help them learn.

Get honest with yourself & get honest with your SO before you do anything you might later regret. Once you put it out there, you can't take it back.


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