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-   -   Hellllp! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=48454)

DaJaye74 06-07-2013 12:03 PM

Hellllp!
 
Hello all, I need some help. I have been on depression meds for about a year now due to my PTSD. Unfortunately these have not controlled some of my major mood swings. Last night I had a MAJOR MANIC EPISODE. I said a whole buch of things I truly did not mean. I was feeling very marginalized and phased out due to the fact she apends 90 % of her new bf of 3 months. I understand that the reason is because I live 5 hrs away. She gets to do all th8a aupwr fun stuff that I really want to do but am unable because I am stuck in the Army till they figure out thier crap. I keep pushing her away because I canot control my emotions. I LOVE her beyond reason. I have been with her for 13 years through thick and thin. The is and always will be my world. How can I stop pushing her away and show her how much I love hwr when I only get to see her maybe 2 times a month?

RiverRose 06-07-2013 12:12 PM

Hi DaJaye74,

Do you write letters in the old-fashioned snail mail way? If not, maybe consider sending her little love notes every so often. She's caught up in NRE, but it won't last for ever. Hang in there! She has been with (waited for?) you for 13 years. That suggests there is a depth to her feelings for you. You just need to do a few things to stoke the fire as it were. A flame won't burn forever without some care and attention.

Apologise and explain why you said what you said. Reassure her that you love her very much, and then just let her have some time to process it all in her own way. I have faith that things will improve for you in the future.

Kim xxx.

GalaGirl 06-07-2013 01:54 PM

I am sorry you are hurting.

Could reading about poly hell help?

What about page 5 and 6 of jealousy? Or more jealousy?

Maybe those could help you figure out how to cope with the emotional management side of things? Could your partner be willing to read those with you?

If you are military, you prob have PTSD help to hand -- check in with your counseling resources. You don't necessarily have to talk about poly if you do not want to, but get the coping skills for PTSD flare ups. The triggers can be X, but the coping with coming down after getting cranked up -- that could be the same techniques regardless of trigger.

Galagirl

DaJaye74 06-07-2013 01:56 PM

I did all the things that you suggested this morning. She says she doesn't have a lot of forgiveness in her. This distance is tearing us apart. I love her so much and I put her on a pedestal. I hope I have not already list the best thing in my life, just when I need her the most. I amgoing through alot. Being medically separated from the Army due to injury after 14 yrs of service, being essentially a single parent(I have our 9 yr old son), dealing with rhe Med board process, which has taken over a , and being separated form the woman I love.

Magdlyn 06-07-2013 03:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaJaye74 (Post 208579)
I did all the things that you suggested this morning. She says she doesn't have a lot of forgiveness in her. This distance is tearing us apart. I love her so much and I put her on a pedestal. I hope I have not already list the best thing in my life, just when I need her the most. I amgoing through alot. Being medically separated from the Army due to injury after 14 yrs of service, being essentially a single parent(I have our 9 yr old son), dealing with rhe Med board process, which has taken over a , and being separated form the woman I love.

Yes, you sure do have a lot going on! Lost your job due to injuries, you're now handicapped both physically and mentally, you've got a son to raise.

And somehow you and Lady made the decision for her to move 5 hours drive away for grad school.

Even if you two hadn't just opened your marriage and she got an ardent bf, you'd have a lot to deal with even so.

And so, you had a meltdown and she isn't into forgiveness yet? Sheesh.

Time for some rethinking on both your parts or your marriage is going to fall apart.

How long will she be living apart from you? Why did you two make the decision for her to move away? Was it some kind of tit for tat thing, as she was alone a lot while you were serving?

Write down a list of what you can change, and changes you wish she'd agree to make on her end, and restructure this arrangement. You could even ask she see her bf less, you know... spend 2 nights a week, say, Skyping/cybersexing you instead. Some people have Skype dates, with candlelit dinner and wine on either end, wear a special outfit. Or you could play an online game, if you're into that. You decide what would be fun.

It's always good to renegotiate when you hit these kinds of disconnects in LTR. But be clear, practical and reasonable. What do you really need to feel closer to her again? Does she want to be closer to you? NRE can hit some people hard, and she shouldn't be spending time with YOU out of obligation or duty, but just because she loves you, loves spending time with you.

I am sure your son misses Mom a lot, and it's hard that the times you visit her you need to share her with your son. How can you get alone, adult time?

Use your imagination and come up with ways to make this get better! It's not working out as well as you imagined when you agreed to do this. Maybe partly because you didn't find a gf right away, but in your state of depression and lonelieness, how can you woo a new girl?

DaJaye74 06-07-2013 03:38 PM

We made the decision for her to move away together. It was the best option for her to get her masters. This all started a year ago when she moved. We have only opened our relationship in the past 3 months. She was very lonely and I wanted her to be happy. These meds are seriously messing with my head. About 2 times a month or so I have a major depressive swing or manic swing. She says I verbally and emotionally abuse her. I believe her. I love her so much. I just want her to be happy. But I also don't want to lose her.

Magdlyn 06-07-2013 03:52 PM

Are you seeing a therapist? How much support do you have from family and friends where you are?

It's not good for your son to be with a single parent who has depressive issues going on. What other kinds of "parenting" does he have in his life while you heal and adjust? How much Skype time does his mom give him? Or is she constantly either studying or playing with the bf?

As far as the poly bit, did either of you research how to actually handle polyamory, or just jumped in blind? It's time to play catch up, read about "opening up" on the morefortwo website, read the book Opening Up, etc.

Also, your wife mentions you feel romantic feelings for her bf now too? How does that fit in?

You didn't address my other questions or suggestions, you just sort of complained some more.

Think about what you can DO. This relationship aint gonna fix itself, buddy.

DaJaye74 06-07-2013 04:06 PM

Ok, I used to see a therapist for like 4 years, but stopped seeinghim as he coukd not handel the poly th I b g. I currently gave an appt on the 20th with a new therapist. I really have no support here. I work with peopke who are so far below my intellectual level that I dont waste the time. It is just me. She gives him Skype time whenever he likes. We had tried poly before but we were much too young.and yes we kniw what it takes to make it work. Yes I have feelings for him. We are both bi and he is a REALLY great guy but his primary relationship is with her due to the distance. I want it to be known that she is doing nothing wrong and these are issues I am having. She is a wonderful person and the light if my life. I just wish to find a way to be a better husband and lover.

Magdlyn 06-07-2013 04:18 PM

Well, ok. I sense co dependency. She's everything to you, you don't even have any friends? Just because you "work" with people stupider than you, doesnt mean you shouldn't have friends in line with your own mental capacities.

To be a better husband, get a life? She's got one, why don't you? You're trying to glom onto her bf (sorry, but it sounds that way)... What can you do to get more friendship and support at HOME?

When will she be done with grad school? If you want her to come back t.o you when she's got her degree, time to shape up. As you know.

Good luck with the new therapist. I hope they are more poly friendly. You're on very shaky emotional ground. Being poly takes lots of self esteem and trust and you seem low on both

DaJaye74 06-07-2013 04:37 PM

The problem with finding friends on my intellectual level is that once I leave work I am always in the business of my son. He is a great kid. As for finding more support here I have no idea how long I am going to have to be here. The plan was for me to get out and move to where she is now. Unfortunately that cou l d be 2 weeks or 6 months. I have no clue. Maybe you have a point about me gloming onto her bf. Maybe I should distance myself from him and thier relationship. Let her live her own life. I detest that I cannot reign my freaking emotion. They are ruining my life.


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