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-   -   Poly mentors (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4843)

redpepper 01-09-2011 01:32 AM

Poly mentors
 
Who are your mentors in terms of relationships and/or poly? Who inspires you and sets a good example of good relationship dynamics? Do you inspire to be a mentor or do you inspire to be happily poly?

For me I have a lot of mentors in my life. I take bits from many people I know. Not just poly people. My friends on the east coast who I met when I was a Hare Krishna years ago... they are an inspiration to me in that they are both very different and desire and require different relationship fulfilment. The husband is bi and very actively so. Not such a surprise in the culture he has chosen to be in. His wife, my dear friend, requires that he be present as a person that supports and cherishes her as a woman and mother. He adores her and treats her like a queen. She expects that and requires that. Him having sex with men is fine,,, but not women! Funny because they don't call this poly, swinging, open... anything like that. It's an understanding they have and a cultural thing.

There are role models in my community here that I admire and see as mentors in certain ways also. I admire Geminigirl for her ability to give of herself yet make sure her needs are met in terms of love, closeness, sex and connection. We are very different, yet very the same in so many ways. I love watching her and experiencing that. She reminds me to find a middle path rather than become extreme and black and white... I take far longer to get there than she does, and I respect that about myself, but still, I have relied on her to help my black and white pendulum become more settled and swing less widely...I suspect I have influenced her also. I am wondering if this makes any sense to anyone but me :p and possibly her.

I admire my dear Derby. Anyone who can conduct a relationship such as hers and her husbands I admire. I am an emotional person, with a highly emotional husband... everything we do together is based on how we feel... she is a reminder to me that this is not always necessary, useful or the best route... I think I remind her that its okay to be emotional so in that way we support each other. Besides that, anyone who has a LDR quite a bit of the time I admire.

I admire my husband most of all. Dear PN. Anyone who can put up with the shit that I give out for all these years needs a medal! :eek: I really have been a bitch to him at times and have been so far from communicative in a respectful, kind manner... I forget to practice compassionate communication sometimes and I am very demanding. I have high expectations of him for sure and I am not always fair with that. He loves me anyway's and patiently reminds me of the path I am treading when I lose it on him. He is a bloody miracle to me. He has worked so hard on himself and so diligently. He has not had huge relationship success in terms of finding women and men to be partnered with, but he doesn't give up and doesn't get down about it... he says he has high expectations and says that I have created a high bar that not many women can match. Really he is crazy to think that way I think... but I secretly love to hear that ;):p

Love to hear your thoughts.

Ariakas 01-09-2011 01:56 AM

My parents. Although monogamous gave me the foundation of creating solid relationships. Those rules are really no different than what I put into my poly relationships. They proved their ability to love completely. There could be no better foundation for my relationship models than them.

I adore my wife. Pengrah is more natural at this than most. Compersion is something she felt from the beginning. She progressed silently and quietly without very much nudging from me. She helped me through the worst of my times and has helped me build a foundation that is strong enough to expand our love outside of ourselves.

I feel a lot of admiration for Sour Girl. The way she created the foundation with her husband to expand into poly has been impressive. As cheesy as that is for me to mention my gf, she was one of the first poly people I had met who I had a tremendous amount in common with outside of poly, and was still poly. She continues to impress me with how she deals with boundaries and bumps in the path.

I aspire to live my life happily. I don't want to be a mentor. I simply want the chips to fall and hope they fall the way I foresee them. I want to stand with my friends and family and beat down the bumps that get in the way. Like all relationships, I don't have blindness as to how much work they will be. I just want them to BE. Ideally, my poly becomes as autonomous as monogamy. I don't need to be in the worlds view nor do I want to be.

In my own way I admire everyone who is public. On this board, franklin, on fetlife. Regardless of the anonymity of these situations, they are still baring their souls for people to see. I have learned what I want, what I like and what I hate about poly. Everyone who takes the time to put themselves out there, deserves to be recognized. Its this forum and others who have helped me recognize what being in love with more than one person can mean.

Ari

MonoVCPHG 01-09-2011 07:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 59172)

I admire my husband most of all. Dear PN. Anyone who can put up with the shit that I give out for all these years needs a medal! :eek: I really have been a bitch to him at times and have been so far from communicative in a respectful, kind manner... I forget to practice compassionate communication sometimes and I am very demanding. I have high expectations of him for sure and I am not always fair with that. He loves me anyway's and patiently reminds me of the path I am treading when I lose it on him. He is a bloody miracle to me. He has worked so hard on himself and so diligently. He has not had huge relationship success in terms of finding women and men to be partnered with, but he doesn't give up and doesn't get down about it... he says he has high expectations and says that I have created a high bar that not many women can match. Really he is crazy to think that way I think... but I secretly love to hear that ;):p

.

PN gets my vote all the way! He's an amazing man and no one holds a candle to his love and openness towards you....and that is saying a lot because I love you like crazy!!

Fidelia 01-09-2011 05:02 PM

I think of you, dear Redpepper, as a poly mentor in my life. "Mentor" is not quite right, as you and I do not generally have direct communication on issues I am personally facing; "exemplar" or "role model" are more accurate terms.

You and your tribe (especially Mono, PN and Derby) set a strong example of how to live in a polyamorous way with great personal integrity, honesty, love and respect for everyone in your life. I admire so very much your radical honesty, and the way you temper that honesty with compassion and genuine concern. I LOVE that you are so upfront and open about who you are, what you know and what you want. It takes great personal strength to be that open and vulnerable. I love that you seem so comfortable in your own skin; that is an issue of mine, like many women, and I'm making good progress. I see the way you celebrate and revel in your power as a woman and as a sexual being, and I think "Oh yeah, that girl's got in going ON!"

I could write a great deal more, but I feel like I'm already verging on a hijack. So I'll leave it at that.

redpepper 01-09-2011 07:14 PM

Thanks Fidelia... you are always so supportive. I appreciate that as being so open hearted and making myself vulnerable invites people to take advantage and attack as much as it does invite people to appreciate... I am grateful that you appreciate :) *hugs*

Actually, in real life... not that this isn't real life, but its real live poly drama and newness most of the time... in real life we know quite a few poly tribes that are making it work and are happily going about leading their lives... we/I am not the only ones or unusual for that matter. It's just that most people who are content and settled in poly don't have the desire to be on here or at groups supporting others and being advocates or mentors... just so you all know. They just live their lives.

Poly people are in your midst and you don't even know it... :eek::D

LovingRadiance 01-09-2011 10:51 PM

RP/Mon/PN/Derb/II

&
Groundedspirit

Outside of the "poly circle"

I am inspired by people who are loving. I am often inspired by people who are mono, because they are loving in a healthy, safe way-regardless of how many sexual partners a person has-it's the loving that interests me.

booklady78 01-10-2011 06:28 AM

Other than my husbands gf, I haven't met any poly people in my area yet.
On here, however, I have been fortunate to have found many mentors. So many people who have just shared their experiences and then there's all the people that have actively supported me and so many others.

Redpepper and Mono have both gone out of their way to offer support when I had questions and issues that I needed input on. Grounded Spirit, TruckerPete, Loving Radiance, and countless other people have offered their advice and support to many of my posts.

Even if people can't relate specifically to something you've posted, you will often find support and virtual hugs, and effort to let you know that you're not alone. People reach out to one another on these forums, and to me that makes all of you mentors. :)


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