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-   -   New here. Frustrated single guy--how does anyone find a date anyway? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=48282)

mricha711 06-04-2013 06:53 AM

New here. Frustrated single guy--how does anyone find a date anyway?
 
Hi there, I'm new to this site. Wasn't sure whether to post this in General discussion or this thread, but I suppose it fits in both. This might be more of a gripe/rant than anything, but it might be helpful to commiserate with some people who are going through what I'm going through.

I'm 21, bisexual, and live in the largest city in New Hampshire. I'm wondering how single poly people even find dates, because I'm finding it incredibly difficult to find any compatible people in my area. I've dated exactly one guy in my life, and it was over two years ago. And even that lasted less than a month.

It's not for lack of trying, either. I've had an OkCupid profile for quite a while, and there seem to be plenty of poly people in other states, but there's almost no one here. I've literally messaged every person in my area who's even somewhat compatible, but I've had no luck. There are maybe 9 actual poly people who live in my state who are on there, and I'm friends with half of them in real life anyway.

Speaking of real life, I have no idea how I would even approach people about this outside the internet. I have a really active social life, but most of the people I know in NH are either really straight or really monogamous (or really lesbian, lol.)

Don't get me wrong, I have thousands of friends all over the country who I wouldn't trade for the world, and I love my life in all other areas. But does anyone get frustrated the way I do? Is anyone else not logistically able to date AT ALL? I have a feeling I'm going to be single for the rest of my life if I stay here, and that thought makes me lonely sometimes. I'd rather be single forever than be monogamous, though.

On a more theoretical note: does it make sense to call myself polyamorous if I'm single? I suppose it defeats the purpose of "many loves" if the only person I love immensely is myself.

Natja 06-04-2013 08:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mricha711 (Post 207984)

On a more theoretical note: does it make sense to call myself polyamorous if I'm single? I suppose it defeats the purpose of "many loves" if the only person I love immensely is myself.

I would argue that one can only love freely when you love oneself! :D

And Yes, is the answer to that question.

Eponine 06-04-2013 08:28 AM

Agree with Natja. You're polyamorous as long as you're open to the possibility of having multiple loving relationships, even if in practice you only have one partner or no partner at all (yet). A poly person's relationship outlooks are fundamentally different from a mono person's, even if their actual relationship statuses are the same (i.e. both single or both with only one partner).

Magdlyn 06-04-2013 12:16 PM

I'm in Mass (near Boston) and I've dated guys from NH. Most of them have to look towards Mass and be willing to travel. We're just a cooler, more liberal bunch down here, face it!

Marcus 06-04-2013 03:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mricha711 (Post 207984)
It's not for lack of trying, either. I've had an OkCupid profile for quite a while, and there seem to be plenty of poly people in other states, but there's almost no one here. I've literally messaged every person in my area who's even somewhat compatible, but I've had no luck. There are maybe 9 actual poly people who live in my state who are on there, and I'm friends with half of them in real life anyway.

If you already know a handful of poly folks then it sounds like your area isn't exactly barren. Still, if there aren't a lot of people for you to date in your area you may need to do a bit more travel, as Mag mentioned.

opalescent 06-04-2013 03:13 PM

Dating hard
 
Dating is difficult and frustrating. I live in a city with a substantial poly community and it's still painful. And the reason it is painful is me. I am fairly introverted and interacting with large groups or with people I don't know at all is just not my strong suit. And there is the fact that I meet very few people that I 'click' with romantically. It just doesn't happen that often even if I am very social.

Geography is often a limiting factor. But before you write off your surroundings as the issue, take a look inward. I'm the reason dating is hard for me. I gently suggest thinking about how you may be making dating hard for you. Of course, the things making dating difficult for you may not be all that changeable. I, for instance, am not going to be raging social butterfly anytime soon. But think about it. We often get in our own way.

I notice that sometimes people take this compatibility thing a bit far. There might really only be 9 possibly compatable folks in your area. Or your criteria might be a bit too stringent, too particular, too detailed. Take a chance on someone who may not be an obvious match for you.

You may also need to get out of the poly ghetto. There are obvious advantages to seeking someone who is already poly. And there are obvious disadvantages to 'converting' someone who is not currently poly. However, if you are upfront and honest, you may find men and women willing to give some thought to this poly business and see how it goes. You will be automatically ruled out by many right away. That sucks. But eventually someone will take a chance.

And finally, dating in one's early 20s just sucks. Sorry man.

Good luck!

Marcus 06-04-2013 03:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by opalescent (Post 208034)
But before you write off your surroundings as the issue, take a look inward. I'm the reason dating is hard for me. I gently suggest thinking about how you may be making dating hard for you. Of course, the things making dating difficult for you may not be all that changeable. I, for instance, am not going to be raging social butterfly anytime soon. But think about it. We often get in our own way.

That's true Opal. OP, do a Google search for online dating profiles; I'll bet you find some mistakes you can stop making.

For example:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-reason...-isnt-working/

BoringGuy 06-04-2013 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 207997)
I'm in Mass (near Boston) and I've dated guys from NH. Most of them have to look towards Mass and be willing to travel. We're just a cooler, more liberal bunch down here, face it!

I live in mass too, quite near the New Hampshire border. I have a list of things to say:

1) drop the "polyamorous" label and just date people as yourself. Mention non-monogamy as soon as it is clear that there might be an emotional or sexual connection.

2) you won't like hearing this but it's very important that you realize how desperate you come across in your original post. People can sense that and you might as well be covered in feces because it has the same effect on them.

3) i'm not sure what your "criteria" are, but it's possible that you are limiting yourself by only considering certain ages, races, sexual orientations, body types, etc.

4) if you want to meet a whole bunch of people (mostly women), volunteer to be a non-skating official (NSO) with one of the many leagues in New Hampshire. If you are in the "largest city", that probably means Manchester, and NHRD is based out of there. It's probably walking distance from where you live. But i'm not telling you to join to find people to date. I'm giving you one way to get out there and expand your social circles and perhaps discover a new activity to enjoy. That is how you "find people" to have relationships. Not by shouting "where are all the poly people? Come out come out wherever you are!"

5) i think there was one more thing i had to say but i forgot it.

Marcus 06-04-2013 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 208045)
5) i think there was one more thing i had to say but i forgot it.

I like "5) Self esteem is sexy".

As far as I can tell the only way to have actual self esteem is to set goals, learn skill sets, and be productive. Focus on accomplishing your personal short term and long term goals and I'll bet your 'luck' will improve because you'll feel good about yourself and it will show.

BoringGuy 06-04-2013 04:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 208052)
I like "5) Self esteem is sexy".

As far as I can tell the only way to have actual self esteem is to set goals, learn skill sets, and be productive. Focus on accomplishing your personal short term and long term goals and I'll bet your 'luck' will improve because you'll feel good about yourself and it will show.

Oh it was that! I was going to say that you HAVE to put yourself first at all times, whether you are in a relationship or not. This does not mean that you don't give up things sometimes to help someone else; what it does mean is that you don't put someone else's priorities and overall well-being at the expense or detriment to your own. This is not the same thing as agreeing to see one movie instead of the other so you can both sit together. This is about expecting someone else to change fundamentally who they are just to please you, or the other way around from whatever point of view you want to look at it.

But i disagree with Marcus that setting goals is the only way to improve self esteem. I have been a lot happier since i discovered that i am NOT a goal-oriented individual and that the whole goal-setting culture was driving me crazy. However, i do think that for individuals who ARE goal-oriented, NOT setting/reaching goals can drive THEM crazy. It's important to figure out which personality type you are, but be honest with yourself, don't let people's image or expectations of you get in the way.

I am almost out of time, i have to wrap this up now. But i will reflect on ways to build self-esteem and try to come back with specific suggestions for the "type B" personality.


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