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-   -   Taking the plunge into poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=48270)

Kameo 06-04-2013 01:31 AM

Taking the plunge into poly
 
I've known all of my life (well, as far back as I can remember) that I was attracted to women, but I've always had a preference for men. I had a 6 month relationship with a girl in high school, but in my adult life it's never been more than a few sexual encounters with a woman.

I was young and naive when I moved to California on my own at 18. I quickly met and fell in love with a man, we married 2 years later. He knew I was bisexual, but wasn't necessarily accepting. I met a woman in college and developed feelings for her.. but I refused to give into any desires and talk to him. Honesty is huge for me. I told him of my feelings, and that he knew her and she was attracted to him as well... and suggested inviting her into the relationship. He shot down the idea and said no way.

Instead, he went behind my back and cheated on me for about 6 months.. engaging in unsafe sex with strangers he met online.... and he slept with my friend I had feelings for. We divorced a year later after trying therapy. It's not the fact that he slept with other women or my friend that bothered me. It's the fact he denied what I wanted and that he couldn't be honest with me and himself about what he wanted.

That failed marriage put a lot of things in perspective for me. I was hurt and mad that he would deny me the pleasure and love I wanted, yet it was OK for him to have it for himself. I was hurt by a friend who I had feelings for (and thought vice versa) who hid this from me. I was hurt from all of the lying.

I spent the next year single, enjoying life and making friends. Through one of my new friends, I met an amazing man who I am still with 8 years later. J is my soul mate and I cannot explain how much I love him. The bond with us is incredible, but it hasn't been without it's share of problems.

I discovered early on that J was poly, though he didn't really know it. When I met him, we didn't expect to be drawn to each other like we were. It was electric. He was seeing someone else already, though it wasn't serious. She wasn't comfortable with him seeing someone else, so he cut it off as he had stronger feelings for me than her. He's not one for ultimatums.

He knew I was bi, so sometime a few months later we talked about being with another woman. He had a friend (one of his ex's) who he still flirted with and saw occasionally. She and I hit it off, and we had her over one night.. and it was so much fun. Nothing else happened after that; she started dating someone seriously.

Over the next few years, we met a few women off and on.. nothing came of it. One was close to taking it to the bedroom after a few great dates... but then we found out she wasn't into safe sex, and that she engaged in risky behavior, with no intention of stopping and didn't want to be tested. That scared us off pretty fast.

So, fast fwd to now... out of the blue I came across an ad locally (Not sure why I checked after not looking for years), and we wrote her. First started with her and I talking (I'll call her Nikki), then all of us talking, then J and Nikki talking. We all have so much in common.. in fact, J and Nikki have the same birthday. We have the same music and movie tastes. We all like video games, but she and him like the same ones that ones I don't, so that's a plus for them to have something to do and me not feel bad for not joining in. He's not as in to being active as her and I am, so on his Football Sundays her and I will be able to get out and go biking, hiking, etc.

We all are looking for a loving relationship and we talked about the possibilities of one having more feelings than the other for someone in the relationship. That's about as serious as we took it at this point until we meet and see where it goes further; if there is as strong a connection off of the internet.

It's a first for all involved. I'm doing lots of reading through different topics here. Him and I have read other resources online and I have shared things I've read here with him. Though we have hopes of something beautiful developing, we know the likelihood of it lasting is slim, so we hope to enjoy whatever it is, be it a great friendship or more as long as it lasts.

I look forward to blogging my story further :) I'm glad I have a place to get away and post my thoughts and concerns amongst those who understand.

Kameo 06-08-2013 06:47 PM

Date still hasn't happened
 
Not sure that the date will happen. Nikki shared some things about her past with me a few days ago.. Very recent past actually, and things that made me uncomfortable. She told me about a recent overdose she had on prescription pills (purposely) and that she is a recovering meth addict (clean only a few months). She's also freshly out of a bad breakup with her gf of 3 years, and supposedly that's why she took the pills.

She told all of this to me.. and not him.. and I debated on whether I should tell him or not.. whether I should let her tell him.. but after she made it clear she wasn't going to tell him, I made the decision to do it myself. I felt this kind of information is something he needs to be aware of too and he's glad I did tell him.

I really don't feel comfortable dating someone with a very recent past of heavy drug use and severe depression. I am normally not a judgmental person, but I don't really want to open our relationship up to someone with those sorts of problems. Does that sound harsh? I know everyone has their problems, but I don't think she's had sufficient time to process the trauma in her life as of recent and I think she's looking for a couple to fill the void. I would hate for us to get attached to her somehow, and have her relapse in any way.. then it's our problem to deal with too.. and neither of us are comfortable with that potential scenario and don't want that kind of heartbreak.

We're still talking to her online and on the phone, but neither of us are quite sure how to bring up the fact that we are uncomfortable with her past drug use and other issues, especially being so recent.

In addition to things with Nikki, I have been reading a lot here.. and I've entertained the thought of dating another couple with a straight male and bi female. I think at one point a few years back I thought about it, but I never really thought that was something I'd seriously be interested in and I wasn't sure how he would feel about it. I brought it up last night to him, and he was a little shocked since it's not something I ever expressed interest in, but he had a few drinks by this point and said we should talk about it today when he's got a clear head, that it's not something he's opposed to. I think he might feel threatened by another penis and I think the thought of me with another man might be something he's not very comfortable with. Will find out more today about his feelings.

I guess at this time, I'm open to all sorts of poly configurations and relationships.

Sekhmet 06-08-2013 11:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kameo (Post 208720)
Does that sound harsh? I know everyone has their problems, but I don't think she's had sufficient time to process the trauma in her life as of recent and I think she's looking for a couple to fill the void. I would hate for us to get attached to her somehow, and have her relapse in any way.. then it's our problem to deal with too.. and neither of us are comfortable with that potential scenario and don't want that kind of heartbreak.

I don't think you're being harsh; I think you're being realistic. Q has a past of meth addiction too. We got together when he was only a year or so clean (I think?) but it's not a path I'd recommend to everyone. I don't know what you should do, but it looks like you're going in slowly and with eyes wide open, which is the best way to do it, IMHO. Good luck!

Kameo 06-09-2013 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sekhmet (Post 208754)
I don't think you're being harsh; I think you're being realistic. Q has a past of meth addiction too. We got together when he was only a year or so clean (I think?) but it's not a path I'd recommend to everyone. I don't know what you should do, but it looks like you're going in slowly and with eyes wide open, which is the best way to do it, IMHO. Good luck!

Thank you! Yes, we're definitely going into all of this slowly and making sure we are seeing things for what they are and not being blinded by any desires.

LovingRadiance 06-10-2013 02:59 AM

Don't think its harsh either.
Maca had a drug addiction (different drug) and only clean 2 months when we started dating. But-as someone else said, not my suggestion and very risky.

I think its smart to slow down, back up and consider the risks.

nycindie 06-10-2013 04:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kameo (Post 208720)
I really don't feel comfortable dating someone with a very recent past of heavy drug use and severe depression . . .

I think it very smart of you to be cautious and not want to get involved in this situation now. It is easy to get sort of attached to the first potentials we come across when newly embracing polyamory, but just remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and it's better to be careful and trust your gut instincts (the nerve ganglion in the solar plexus is never wrong!). No, you don't want to get caught up in any drama with this one, no matter how compatible she may seem.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kameo (Post 208720)
We're still talking to her online and on the phone, but neither of us are quite sure how to bring up the fact that we are uncomfortable with her past drug use and other issues, especially being so recent.

As far as how to tell her, it's simple, really. With compassion, you acknowledge her and then basically say what you said here: "We both like you a lot, and I appreciate how honest you were with me. I am glad you trusted me enough to tell me what you went through. Obviously, you are a strong person. But, both of us feel uncomfortable dating someone with a very recent past of heavy drug use and severe depression. That's just not something we feel ready to handle right now, especially since this kind of relationship is new to us. So, we feel we are not the right people for you to get involved with now while you should be focused on your recovery. I hope you understand, and I wish you all the best."

Kameo 06-10-2013 08:47 PM

LovingRadiance and nycindie,

Thank you both for your advice and confirmation that going along with our gut is right and not rude!


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