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-   -   Confused. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=482)

mythicalmagick 07-10-2009 09:56 PM

Hello all,
Well as i'm sure you all can tell, this is my first time on. I have a bit of a complicated story, and needing a bit of advice.

I am 23 and married to a wonderful guy, (A) who happens to be a year younger than me, but also the father of my 2 boys. :) We have been together for 5 years now, and after the first one, we started an open relationship, mainly because I was pregnant and not very sexual, and as he was 18 at the time... it wasnt exactly the best plan for him to not get any.. lol.

Now, i'm fine with A having the open, but I cant seem to get the mentality of it, as I am of the poly mindset, and have talked to him about this. We have discussed my being poly for over a year with him still not getting where i'm comming from. Sex is great don't get me wrong, but I need more than that, i need the connection, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

So, I finally met someone, who knows about our open, someone who is wonderful, amaizing, and that I am falling in love with (D). And it just so happens that I have finally made (A) see where I am comming from, and he says that its ok for me to be with D. Now D is ok with our open relationship, and tells me that he wants more than just the physical (no we have not been together physically) but I have not told him yet about my being poly and am afraid to as I dont know how he will take that, and since he would be my first secondary relationship (I hate that terminology) I dont really know how to bring the topic up. And I have not used the open relationship in any way, so I really dont know how A will take me being with another guy in an emotional way, as well as physical.

Thanks for reading this far, I know its alot to take in, and any advice would be a great help.

foxflame88 07-10-2009 10:30 PM

Welcome to the board. I'm rather new here, but I'm sure some of the more experienced members will have some great advice for you. I personally would just sit down w/ him and talk. He already seems open to "sharing" you, so you're already a step in the right direction. Good luck!

mythicalmagick 07-11-2009 02:09 AM

Thanks hun. I really hope your right, I am planning on talking to him, I just need a bit more time, A just decided 2 nights ago that it would be ok, so I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that he listened to me. lol.

Mark1npt 07-11-2009 02:27 AM

It's always scary to reveal yourself and and hope your spouse or new love can understand......you must move forward though if you truly want to give this poly life a go. Talk, talk and talk with him and your husband. You might be surprised at the lengths people will go to for a strong loving relationship, even if it is a little unconventional!

mythicalmagick 07-12-2009 03:51 AM

Ok, so I talked to him, aaaand he freaked out, lol. There is just no easier way to explain it. He was ok with it being just physical, though we hadnt done anything and have been hanging out as friends for months, with him telling me he wanted more, but as soon as I told him about A's and my relationship, he flips. I mean, its not like our relationship is going to change, it just means that its out in the open, if anything ever did. But you know, if he could act like that over information, then he isnt the man i thought he was and better to find that out now, than later, right?

Now, to all the good men on here, I want to let you know, this comment is not ment for you, this is to the men that are not on here, who thinks its ok to play with womens hearts.

Men suck, and they need to all be taught how to behave and talk to a lady. I dont care what you think of me, but dont ever call me a w**** and a B**** just because you dont like what I have to say.

Ok, now that my ranting is done, i'm off for some icecream and a chick flick with some gfs. Thanks everyone, and have a great night!!

foxflame88 07-12-2009 11:22 AM

I'm sorry he took the information so poorly and reacted as he did. You deserve so much better than that.

mythicalmagick 07-12-2009 01:43 PM


Its ok, well no its not, lets be honest. It just teaches me :o that some people are ok with cheating but can't see anything else besides that as a possiblity. As well as how self ritous :mad: people can be, though you know, I find cheating has no purpous but to hurt the person you are with, and loving someone doesnt hurt, it helps. (IMO) I knew there would be problems along the way to finding my forever love, ok, my second... forever love. lol. I just didnt know that men could get that upset over nothing. It's ok, I still have my love with A and I do not have to close my heart to other chances. Thank you for your help and support.

Mark1npt 07-12-2009 01:53 PM

Mythical......so sorry one guy had to ruin it for the rest of us. It is better you found out now though before you invested anymore time and emotion with him. Just so you know, it's usually guys who are childish, insecure and closed minded who react the way he did. He probably wasn't prepared for so much honesty and openness. His loss. Still so surprising that people so readily accept cheating and lying over thruthful open relationships. How did mankind (and womankind) ever get so screwed up?

mythicalmagick 07-12-2009 02:10 PM

Thanks hun, I know not to take it out on anyone but him (not that i will take it out on anyone) every life experience teaches, and i'm taking this as a hard lesson learned. And, you are absolutly right that its his loss, lol. I have alot of love to give, and if they cant accept the terms on it (the relationship, and not just sex) well.. I dont know what they are looking for, but its not me. I do hope that people in this world will one day realize what they are closing themselfs off from, and how and why they behave the way they do, I will never in a million years understand.

But, in a fair light, I cant say that I blame him. I was Mono, for 3 years while hubby was having his sex partners (open) and was happy. We had friends that had an open, but they wernt poly, it was just sex to them, I'm not made that way. Then they told me about poly, and I did some research, and it boggled my mind to know that i'm not the only one to feel the way that I did/do. Now, when i brought it up to A he flipped as well, did the whole "why am I not good enough" and I couldnt help but laugh. Its ok for him to sleep with my best friend, but not for me to have an honest and true relationship, hmmm. The way we are raised in our society is that cheating is acceptable, well its not. But, in their minds, we are the ones that are wrong (what a bunch of crock) anyways, got off topic, sorry. Thank you both, and have a wonderful and glorious day (the sun is shining here, and it is a very good day)

DestinyWaits 07-12-2009 06:26 PM

I believe you are right in your thinking that most are ok with the cheating but not with the emotional attachments those of us that are poly get with our partners. It is my belief that most people will feel that if we get attached to someone that it lessens what we feel for them, I say this because at first I felt the same way but didn't understand why, now I know it was because I was afraid my D would find someone he could love more than me but after some serious discussions and his reassurances I know it was my own insecurities that caused this, I know he loves me now and always has and have since learned that all he does he does for me and for my happiness and have been more able to go into whatever comes our way with an open mind and heart. For whatever it's worth I hope this helps some. :o

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