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-   -   An Intimate Awakening: The 5 W's of my journey and personal findings. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=48186)

Blopez5293 06-02-2013 03:09 AM

An Intimate Awakening: The 5 W's of my journey and personal findings.
I have come to a point in my life that I find myself searching for something. I search for who I am at my core and how that shapes my relationships in my life. I find myself being more careful to be mindful in my choices and protective if what I consider my inner circle of loved ones in my life. I am more patient and have started being more careful of the ones I love. I don't wish to tread over my partner to get my way but rather walk side by side on the path. Being fully present in the moment and having the ability to discuss anything without fear of reprisal or shame.

I am me. As only I can be me it is my responsibility to ensure me is tended to. I cannot and will not expect anyone else to tend to my baggage. They can assist if they so choose but it is not expected. I expect this from my partners and am becomingmore adept at asking for it in a respectful and ethical manner. I am a work in progress. And that is ok.

Blopez5293 06-06-2013 07:23 PM

To begin...
So where to begin..... I'm not sure as it all seems such an integral part of why I see love the way I do. So I guess as with any story I will start at the beginning.

I was born in September of 1981 to a single teen mom who had no one and nothing to her name. She lived in a tiny 2 bedroom trailer older than her and walked everywhere she had to go. She was 18. My mother met my step-father in May of 82' and married him in July of that year. My brother came along in Sept of 84'. We were poor but happy.

I had a hard childhood due to the financial state of my family. Some of my earliest memories are of my parents fighting over money and everything else. As I got older I realized that they were as different as 2 people could be and I never understood why they stayed together.

My dad started getting sick when I was around 8 and only got worse as I got older. By the time I was 12 he was no longer the same man I had known as dad. He became violent and angry.

The rest of my childhood was littered with abuse and ugly. I was depressed and suicidal for a very long time after. I graduated high school and left for college in June of 99'. Lost out and financial aid and ended up pregnant at 18, alone, with no to count on but me. I came home ashamed and determined to do better by my kids than my parents did by me.

After my son was born I worked and led a bit of a charmed life. I didn't find motherhood hard and loved my little cottage I had found for us to start our lives in. But I craved love and I feared no one would have me with a baby at my age. I met a man around Christmas and married him in Aug of 2001. Very quickly I realized I had repeated history and after only a few short years we divorced. We had a son together and despite all the promises to be civil he got ugly. After a long drawn out battle he won custody and had slowly pushed me out of my sons life since.

I met my current husband shortly before I left my first marriage and we quickly became close friends. After my divorce he helped me get back on my feet and we fell deeply in love. In Feb of 06' we married and have had 4 amazing children together. I love him so much. We have been through much, including the death of a child, and are rebuilding. If your still with me at this point and want more about our relationship now feel free to read my other threads here.

Over the years I have watched couples I thought would last forever separate and couples I never thought would last make it. I do not understand love. And all I can say at this point is that if I have learned anything about love it is only that it is Hard Work! And that I really know nothing at all.

I am bisexual. I became aware at an early age that I found woman attractive. Although I experimented some as a young girl, I never dated women. After I divorced my first husband I realized that I was in fact bi and started to explore more.

I met my best friend, let's call her Lady here, when we were both in middle school. Our brothers were in scouts together and so we hung out alot. Lady and I became bff's and like sisters. I had the biggest crush on her in high school and never had the balls to tell her. After we left school we energy our separate ways for a while but never lost touch.

I finally admitted to her that I was in love with her about 8 years ago. And then OMG, there were the words I had always dreamed of but never truly believed would happen.... She was I love with me too and had been for years. We were both too scared to tell eachother. Now we were both married with kids. But I love her. So we have been secretly seeing eachother when we can (LDR) and carrying on an emotional relationship for years. My husband has known from the beginning, hers does not. And as much as I hate being sneaky in the end I had to decide that the decision to tell him or not is hers alone. I love her and I understand that she has reasons behind her choice to not tell him. She is my lover, confidant, friend, other half.

Blopez5293 06-06-2013 07:25 PM

..... Continued......
Loving Lady has never been hard, never been work. We mesh in a way that scares me at times and keeps me in awe all the time. If things had gone differently for us we might have had the most glorious life together but we are here and no amount of wishing can ever change it. I would no more give up my children for her than she would for me. We are only who we are now, not who we once were.

There are days when Sith and I are in a rough patch that I wonder if love truly exists to last or if it is ever fleeting. Here today only to be gone tomorrow. And then I think of her and I know it does. It gives me the strength to fight for me and Sith. Because I want to nuture the love we share and maybe in another decade we will have built this amazing friendship and love together. I love him now and yet I know that tended carefully love only grows sweeter with time.

So here we are traveling Poly together. And I am scared to death. But I am willing. I don't know where this path is going but I travel it. Because to do anything less would not be staying truthful to the inner me. I am as ever, only me.

Blopez5293 06-07-2013 04:24 AM

It is the end of the day here and I am ready for bed. It has been a very long day. I am emotionally drained and still I lie here thankful for the hand I ve been dealt. I love my life. I need to get into what put me in a tailspin today but I think for now I will sleep and just figure it all out tomorrow. Night all.

Blopez5293 06-13-2013 07:15 PM

Where to begin? I don't know why but the beginning or rather, where to begin is always the hardest part for me. Maybe it's because when I in the middle of something I tend to have a harder time seeing the beginning of it.

Sith and I have had a rough couple of years. We have worked hard to climb our way out of the hole we had dug ourselves. We have reconfirmed our love and dedication to eachother and our family. We have sat down and hammered out our rules of conduct. Yet, it seems to me that for every step we take there are 50 awaiting us on the road yet unraveled. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. And alone.

I wonder if we will ever arrive or if our lives are to forever be the journey? Maybe some combination of both? I don't know and I am not even sure I want to and still, the utter unknown of the future scares the bejesus out of me. I want to know that in the end it will turn out all right. And I don't.

Sith has been speaking to his friend S.D. a lot. Texting and Messenger and the like. What he may be saying doesn't bug me. His relationship with her does not bother me. What has me bugged is that when he's talking to her I may as we'll not be here. It's like I don't exist. And if I try to talk to him he'll give me a one word answer or ignore me or worse, break off mid-sentence to read her text and text her back, destroying any momentum in the conversation we might have had going. It's obnoxious. I wouldn't mind if he tested her and then talked to me. I would like it if he would at least have the courtesy to finish his thoughts with me before he reads her text and answers. It's like I am competing with a machine. And I can't compete.

Guess I'll approach him about it again. I can only tell him how I feel. I just hope he sees why it bugs me. And is willing to do something to make his behavior more respectful of me and our kids.

Tell ya how it goes.

opalescent 06-13-2013 10:14 PM

Five W's?

Something is driving me crazy. What are the 5 W's you reference in your blog title? Or will you get to them later? I've been reading (thank you for posting) and cannot figure out what they might be. Did I miss something obvious?

nycindie 06-13-2013 10:28 PM


Originally Posted by opalescent (Post 209686)
Something is driving me crazy. What are the 5 W's you reference in your blog title? Or will you get to them later?

Hahahaha, I've been dying to ask that, too, but was holding back, hoping to see them pop up in whatever the next post would be. Then I wondered if it just meant Who, What, When, Where, and Why as a sort of analogy for life. BLopez, do tell!

Blopez5293 06-14-2013 06:43 PM

The 5 W's......
And the winner is NYCindie. It does refer to the Who, what, where, when, and why that all good investigators should search for during the quest to find knowledge and in turn, to make sense of this life we live.

I have always sought to take an academic stance when it comes to figuring out the most complicated conundrums in my life. I try to separate myself from the emotions of it all and think of things from an almost third party stance. It helps me to separate the crazy emotions and be able to think my way through. Lol

:-) Most of the time I just tend to be way more wordy than I need to be. You are more than welcome to tell me to shut up. :-)

opalescent 06-14-2013 06:47 PM

Whew! Thanks Blopez. That was truly driving me crazy. And I figured it was something straightforward but could not figure out what. When I saw nycindie's post, I thought - yep that's probably it. Who, What, When, Where, and Why - easy!

Blopez5293 06-14-2013 10:44 PM

Wow.... Truly humbled
When I started this blog I had no idea I would get spent views. I kind of just figured it would be just me and maybe Sith who would read this. So looking at a view count of almost 500 has taken quite by surprise. Thank you, just for being here, quietly in my corner while I continue to make my journey.

Now, on to business. On the 6th I posted that things had gone wily hairy for me and Org and that I would post about it the following day. Needless to say the fallout of that night took until just this past Saturday to slog through and deal with. Some may ask why I would bring Irvin now if we have truly dealt with it and my reasoning is simple: If by sharing the issue we had and how we resolved it I am able to help even one couple dealing with thus crap then I feel that sharing it is worth it.

Sith's birthday was on the 5th. We we're unable to plan anything for it because we are completely strapped with bills right now and have no extra cash in our budget. A friend of ours, S, called him and asked for a ride and he said ok. He told me he would be gone for an hour and then we would sing happy birthday to him with the kids and cut the cake together as a family. He didn't come back or call until 11:30am the following morning. He had done this a few times prior and I had impressed upon him how important I felt it was that he t least all when his plans change like that. He said that he would call next time and then here we we're again. We talked again about it Friday and then on Saturday really had it out.

I told him that I couldn't make him want to let me know what was going on but that I wasn't willing to continue with the status quo either. We talked for a long time about everything. I told him how I have been feeling alone and abandoned recently and how I miss the ease of conversations past. We have begun marriage counseling g, as we both recognize the need for improved communication in our relationship. We are getting better but it is a slow path.

Last night Sith went out again. He told me the plan was to hang out with S, then to come home. When I awoke this morning he had not come home.... But I had a text waiting for me telling me plans had changed. :-) Now I have more hope about our future and how we will handle poly. It's a good day. :-)

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