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-   -   Monogamous People Question (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=48126)

onoma 05-31-2013 04:09 PM

Monogamous People Question
Really can't think of a good title for this that wouldn't be really long...

Anyway, once in a while I see a monagamous person posting, or a person who is poly but with a monagamous person who allows it and my question is directed at you guys. :)

What made you (or your monagamous partner) decide to allow an open relationship?

LovingRadiance 05-31-2013 04:26 PM

There was no "allow" involved in my mono guy being mono and me being poly. There was only a terminology change when we learned the word.
My boyfriend has been mono his whole life. We met when he was 17. I refused to be his girlfriend early on saying I thought he needed to experience life and I wasn't interested in settling down blah blah blah.

He dated for a few years. But eventually we became lovers (I still refused a commitment). It was 17 years in that I finally agreed to a commitment that included him accepting that I am poly.
But-that's 17 years of loving me for who I am and accepting me for who I am before I agreed to make a commitment beyond him being my best friend with frequent benefits.
In all of those years, there was never a time I wasn't with someone else.

So-really, it was as simple as "this is who the woman I love is-and I love her." Nothing more and nothing less than simple acceptance.

jayt 05-31-2013 05:26 PM

after more than ten years together, ... long story made short... I had an emotonal breakdown and my supressed transgender issues surfaced... I am female bodied, bigendered (my self awareness switches between male and female) and dissociative.. (I don't remember everything that happens after the switching happens). I am attracted to women not men.

crisplove 05-31-2013 05:41 PM

I'm 3 months into my relationship. I was adamant about being mono in the beginning and not dating anyone poly. However, that was the only way I knew to relate. Being mono was unchallenged before then, even though I was quite convinced that I am/was.

My partner is in established relationships with 2 OSO's. What amazed me was his ability to be fully present with me even when he was in the midst of everyone. I had never had someone be so focused and clear in all of my monogamous dealings.

The other thing that I questioned was the root of my needing monogamy. Did I really think that someone only had enough love for one person?

I believe (or thought I believed) in an abundant, unlimited Universe, full of all the resources that I desire. That includes love. There is no cap on it. It just flows. To me, I was paying lip service to that belief. This relationship is forcing me to live it. I experiment with my life so this is a great thing. I'm even considering being poly myself.

Dagferi 05-31-2013 06:17 PM

I was miserable and my husband knew it. He loves me and wants me to be happy and vice versa.

My boyfriend fell hard for me and decided I was worth having in his life.

Lilla 06-03-2013 07:36 PM

Because L realised I was poly and exploring something with TG was something I had to do, but would only proceed with his blessing.

Our relationship has strengthened through the vee dynamic and he has said he would not go back to me being mono to him even if he had the option. He is mono to me but this might change if he meets someone special.

TG is mono to me out of choice as he will always be mono at heart, and he knew L was on the scene before anything ever happened with us. He feels strongly enough for me that he would rather share me forever/as long as we last, than not have me at all because of traditional social expectations.

I am poly, but I willingly choose to be closed/mono x2, to just my guys. It works and we're all happy. Spent the day just hanging out watching films and made homemade pizza. Currently laid across L on the sofa typing this whilst TG shows L one of the Naruto storm games. It's memories like this I will cherish, and that L was willing to take a chance on letting TG in to our strange little family

Hetaera 06-07-2013 12:36 PM

Well this doesn't exactly pertain to me but my lover is married and she is monogamous...she has no desire to look elsewhere. Of course if I was married to my lover, I might not be looking elsewhere either b/c we'd be having sex a few times a day & wouldn't have time for anyone else :p

People are shocked when I tell them about my relationship...not b/c it unconventional but b/c the wife allows it. She's a very open-minded person apparently & understands her husbands sexual/companionship needs. He'd never leave her & I think she is secure in knowing that he loves her even if he loves another. I honestly don't know if as the wife, I could handle my husband being with another woman. Then again, I know I have some emotional damage from my upbringing & a few relationships nor have I found a relationship with unconditional love that would allow for this.

GalaGirl 06-07-2013 01:48 PM

I call it "monoamorous" rather than "monogamous" because while the partner wants to love only one at a time, they are willing to be in a relationship structure that is not monogamous shape.

There's isn't any "allow" -- there is "willing to be in relationship."

The first time around? That was how it was. I was not exclusive and stated as much up front. He knew what he was getting. So did BF2. They were there because they wanted to be with me and this is what it was here.

I married BF1. And today? It would be the same. The agreement has always been "Give me the heads up, we'll talk and see what we see."

Boundaries and agreements would need some revision to handle things like "time management" and more if still willing to be in relationship with me.

But he knows what he has here. He loves me like I am. I love him how he is.


ployshyguy 06-10-2013 11:38 PM

For my wife, it was mostly that she knew she loved me (as a poly) and didn't want to throw away everything we had even though I fell in love with other people. It's a hard row to hoe sometimes. In exchange for her acceptance, I have to place limits on myself. But she's worth it, just as she feels I am. IMO, if you can't work together to solve a few problems now and then, it's not really "love".

YouAreHere 06-11-2013 12:01 AM


Originally Posted by onoma (Post 207471)
What made you (or your monagamous partner) decide to allow an open relationship?

No opening of a pre-existing relationship in my case; I knew it was going to be a Poly relationship from the start. Figured a relationship with my good friend, now partner would be worth the difficulties. I was right. :)

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