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gosharx 05-31-2013 01:10 AM

hi!
 
Hi all! I am so glad I found this forum, I really need all of the support I can get! I am in a new poly relationship with a married couple. I have known the woman all my life (our moms were friends in high school) and her husband I have just started to get to know. We have been together for about three months and are now all living together. They have three kids and I have one so it's really mutually beneficial to all be under the same roof. Naturally, we sometimes hit rough patches involving jealously. Whether it's her or me saying "he's not touching me enough", "you're always mad at me!", etc. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice for me on how to handle it? We all love eachother and I can safely say this is the BEST relationship I have ever been in.

kdt26417 05-31-2013 06:41 PM

Greetings gosharx,
Welcome to our forum.

Just keep the lines of communication open; communication is the most important thing. Living together is quite a challenge, even if it is very rewarding.

Are you in a co-primary relationship? Is any one of you a secondary? If so, you have to be aware of your rights, http://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html#bor

Hope we can be helpful to you on this site!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

gosharx 06-01-2013 12:02 AM

reply
 
I am definitely trying keep communicating but it is sometimes hard when one of them gets mad for me saying why I'm upset. I'm starting to feel like I should just bottle it all up so that it doesn't cause any more fights between us. I know this is not the right way to handle it but it seems like the easy way. In our relationship, no one is a secondary, we are all #1 to eachother. That is sometimes hard to accept as they are married and I will always be the outsider (until polygamy is legal anyways!).

kdt26417 06-01-2013 02:19 AM

Sorry to hear you are going over some rough ground. Sometimes poly relationships are difficult in the early stages. The one I'm in took a few years to smooth out (and I am partly to blame for that). I can also relate to "feeling second-class." My companions are married to each other, so I felt like the odd man out (or homewrecker) often in the early days. It just gets easier after awhile, is all I can tell you. I don't feel left out today.

I don't recommend bottling things up, and I hope your companions will give you a fair chance to speak your mind. There might be some things you can do too; there might be a more diplomatic way to say things, and a better time and place. It would be a good idea for the three of you to have regular sit-downs, once a month or even once a week, where you can talk about your feelings, needs, and boundaries. Try to steer away from words that assign blame, and instead, talk about your feelings and make requests. Sometimes how you say something is as important as what you say.

Magdlyn 06-02-2013 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gosharx (Post 207387)
Hi all! I am so glad I found this forum, I really need all of the support I can get! I am in a new poly relationship with a married couple. I have known the woman all my life (our moms were friends in high school) and her husband I have just started to get to know. We have been together for about three months and are now all living together.

Even though you've known your gf all your life, moving in together while in a romantic relationship with both her and now her husband is quite a large step to take after only 3 months... That might be more stressful than you think. Especially if you and your kid moved into their house, not a new neutral territory.

What do your moms think of their daughters and a guy all getting it on in a romantic/sexual way?



Quote:

They have three kids and I have one so it's really mutually beneficial to all be under the same roof. Naturally, we sometimes hit rough patches involving jealously. Whether it's her or me saying "he's not touching me enough", "you're always mad at me!", etc. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice for me on how to handle it? We all love each other and I can safely say this is the BEST relationship I have ever been in.
I am in a V, not a triad (though my partners have some feelings for each other, I'm the hinge). I have just moved in with my gf. It took us 4 years of dating/overnights and weekends together to take the plunge of moving in together. My bf lives a couple towns away from our new house. When we all get together here it's not hard to share time, but when we got out all 3 together I often feel a bit harried to give them equal attention... even to the point of lamenting sidewalks arent wide enough for walking 3 abreast, and one has to walk before or after the other 2!

But "you're always mad at me!" doesn't sound healthy at all. What are your options? Complete transparency, no sarcasm or passive aggressiveness, no name-calling. Instead, deep respect, using "I statements," patiently listening to your partners' concerns, reflecting back what you hear, then expressing yourself without blaming, and sharing clearly what your boundaries are.

Ultimately knowing you can't change or control anyone but yourself.

kdt26417 06-02-2013 07:11 PM

Alternative suggestions:

Instead of, "He's not touching me enough," go to him and say, "Honey, it means a lot to me when you touch me. Could you do that even more often?"

Instead of, "You're always mad at me!" try, "I'm getting vibes that something's upsetting you. Could we talk about that?"

etc.


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