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-   -   First time, we're both nervous! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=48089)

Kameo 05-31-2013 12:49 AM

First time, we're both nervous!
 
New here.. but have lurked off and on for years. Since we finally have found a real opportunity, we are pursuing it and it seems like there's potential for a real connection here.. so we're nervous obviously.

We were hoping we could get some insight and perspective from other couples that have been in our place.. and other women who have been on that first date with a couple.... helpful tips, what we might expect on that nervous first date.

We met her in the last week online. For some reason, I just decided to search a local board after not looking for over a year.. and found her ad. I told him and wrote her. Her and I have been talking via IM.. on the phone.. him and her and I have talked together both on IM and on the phone (I initiated first contact with her, then we all talked the next day and have been since). We live in the same city and we are planning to meet face to face in the next few days.

We seem to have a lot in common and are looking for the same goals in a poly relationship (triad), but it's a first for all of us. We've all agreed that we want to get to know one another first before there would ever be any sexual involvement, so it's not really that part that has us nervous right now.. it's the fact that him and I have never dated someone else separately while together, let alone together.

We had a threesome years ago, months after we first met. It was completely uninhibited, with a mutual friend, we were all intoxicated and while it was amazing, a one nighter is not the sort of thing we are looking for now. We're looking for something deeper, but since it's been so long since either of us have dated, we are both feeling.. awkward about it and don't want that to rub off on her. Should we convey these feelings to her? Should we just try to be as calm and natural as possible?

We're planning to go out for some appetizers and then to play some arcade games and mini golf or a movie.

kdt26417 05-31-2013 06:32 PM

Hi Kameo,
Welcome to our forum.

I see nothing wrong with admitting you're nervous, just let the conversation flow naturally and enjoy your date with this new person. If there's any way we can help on this site we're here; post your questions and concerns, and have a look around. You can do a search and a tag search for specific subjects.

I wish you the best, I know any first date is scary!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Magdlyn 06-01-2013 01:41 PM

Well, of course you're nervous. I've been dating since 2009 and I still get butterflies before a first date with someone. Just ride it out, and keep an open mind. For me, nerves calm once the conversation starts.

If she's never dated a couple before, and you two have never dated as a unit, are you aware of the common pitfalls of "unicorn hunting" and the rights of secondaries? Triads are notoriously hard to manage. THAT makes me nervous for you.

It's much different to have a long time gf to be "shared" by an established couple, than a one night stand 3some. Almost always, feelings will be unequal between one dyad or another.

Are you prepared for her to just prefer you, or just prefer your husband, or for one of you to like her but the other not, or for one of you to like her, but she doesnt like you, and you feel rejected as your partner gets all the lovey feelings returned while you don't?

Kameo 06-03-2013 01:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 207609)
Well, of course you're nervous. I've been dating since 2009 and I still get butterflies before a first date with someone. Just ride it out, and keep an open mind. For me, nerves calm once the conversation starts.

If she's never dated a couple before, and you two have never dated as a unit, are you aware of the common pitfalls of "unicorn hunting" and the rights of secondaries? Triads are notoriously hard to manage. THAT makes me nervous for you.

It's much different to have a long time gf to be "shared" by an established couple, than a one night stand 3some. Almost always, feelings will be unequal between one dyad or another.

Are you prepared for her to just prefer you, or just prefer your husband, or for one of you to like her but the other not, or for one of you to like her, but she doesnt like you, and you feel rejected as your partner gets all the lovey feelings returned while you don't?

Thanks for your questions :) She has not dated a couple before, and the both of us have never dated as a unit. I wouldn't say I'm "aware" of the common pitfalls of Unicorn Hunting (though I hate that terminology for any couple searching for a long lasting, loving relationship with another woman), but I can probably imagine what some of them are.

I cannot totally speak for him, other than what he communicates to me.

For me I want nothing more than for her to be an equal in the relationship and from what he has told me, and what she has told me, and him and us together in conversation online and via phone it seems that is what everyone wants all of the way around.

She truly desires a relationship with both a man and a woman who love each other and can love her.. I desire a relationship with another woman, and with him.. I have always known that I would be happiest with both a man and a woman. I have long wanted to share the happiness he brings me with another woman.. who in return can have a relationship with me. And, I know he has long wanted to have another woman to love and for me to have a relationship with her as well.

Of course, I know love takes time.. and for some comes faster than others. I think we all know that, but it's not something we have all discussed.. or him and I discussed or any of us separately in conversation. Since it's new for all of us, I think we are just trying to "go with the flow" and see how things develop.

I think he has more concern about her having feelings for me faster or preferring me over him because her previous LTR has been with a woman. It's been years since she's truly "dated" a man, outside of a few dates that ended in casual sex.

Natja 06-04-2013 12:52 PM

READ the threads on here....PLEASE!!!!
Do not just 'go with the flow, this way danger lays....'

Please, just read and forward threads to them as well.

kdt26417 06-04-2013 07:05 PM

You might try http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-c...nicorn-hunter/

Kameo 06-04-2013 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kdt26417 (Post 208102)

Great article!!! Thanks for linking me to that, I will be sharing with both of them and discussing.


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