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-   -   Long-term mono, looking for change. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=48070)

pseula 05-30-2013 01:59 PM

Long-term mono, looking for change.

I'm a female in a long-term (near 10 yrs) monogamous marriage. We're very happy, have kids, a house, the whole bit. Things are good!

Recently I developed a crush outside our marriage. Not a crush that could possibly go anywhere, it's work-related and the sort of mess that I simply do not want to get into, but HAVING that crush (and the bit of back-and-forth flirting, which was wickedly exciting, but which I've now put to an end) got me thinking about how the hell this developed in the first place.

I heard about poly for the first time, years ago, and my first reaction was "W-T-F???"...but I kept reading, got (I think) a sense of it, and in the years since, have met and become friends with a few poly people (purely accidental, I didn't go looking for them, they just popped up around me in every day living), and feel quite comfortable discussing the topic. Still, it was not something I was considering.

NOW though...I've been thinking. Thinking about those new-relationship butterflies, flirting, getting to know people in the way that I got to know my husband in our first years together. I think it's the newness that I seek, and differences from my current relationship. I know that no relationship STAYS new, but I would still like to open up and see what's around (interested in either gender...learned a new word from this forum: "pansexual"? I think that's how others might define me. I've just always thought of myself as attracted to certain people, regardless of gender.).

To be clear: I absolutely do not want my marriage to end. Nor am I just looking to hook up with people for sex, although if we were to open up, sex would most certainly be a part of it.

Haha! I'm getting a little ahead of myself. I have not discussed this with my husband AT ALL. While he is quite liberal and not staunchly religious, conservative & religious was how he was raised by his parents. I'm terrified that even broaching the subject could hurt him in ways that may not heal.

Some might ask how I would feel about him also seeing others...absolutely! I wouldn't expect to be allowed to date others while he sits home with the kids! As for how I would feel if/when it really happened; well, I haven't been there, so I don't know, but I think I would be cool with it.

Current plan: Sex him up until I wear him out and he says, "Holy shit honey, I think you need a boyfriend." Or at least until I find an opening to make the suggestion of meeting others? Lame plan...but it's what I've got for now. ;)

Feeling pretty scared, but also refreshed. I just need to find a suitable way to bring this up to my husband.

mhjb2801 05-30-2013 03:03 PM

i can just share what i did with my husband when it come to the whole poly thing. We were fans of the show Big Love and i asked him what his thoughts on a lifestyle like that was... being the awesome husband he is said he didn't feel it was fair for the women to only have 1 man to share. we also discussed how was poly any different then the "single" guy down the road with 3 baby mommas that he's still seeing all of.

We also watched a few other poly shows and discussed the pros and cons of it before we started anything. even now joke he's more mono then poly as he's gotten a lot of woman who are looking for "the one". I know before my 1st date with another man i asked him if he was okay with everything about 50 times and continued to ask afterwards.

hope that can help..

kdt26417 05-30-2013 05:57 PM

Hello pseula,
Welcome to our forum.

Here's a post you might find helpful: http://polyamoryonline.org/smf/index...sg9230#msg9230

If you decide to live a poly life, you must of course tell your husband ... somehow. I hope some of the ideas given here will help you.

Kevin T.

pseula 05-30-2013 07:56 PM

Thanks for the ideas...definitely gives me stuff to think about. I like the Big Love idea, and recently someone I know released a new book on polyamory. I did mention it to my husband who simply thought it was cool that someone we knew had written a book...I'll pick up a copy. Sounds like a great starting point. :)

@Kevin - The link you gave was also helpful...baby steps, for sure! And there is NO WAY IN HELL I would give myself the go-ahead without his knowledge and support. My top interest is to NOT hurt him!

Really glad I signed up here...everyone seems quite real and reading about other people's experiences is pretty awesome so far.

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