Poly "V" in trouble. HELP!!! Please.
Hello All. At at fork in the road and not sure of the "right" turn.
Ill be 30 yrs old. My DH and I have been together for 16 yrs, married going on 7 (HighSchool sweethearts), 2 children under 10. Although We opened up our relationship about 3 yrs ago to become polyamorous (me being bisexual), we haven't had many partners. We had one together. I've had three. And him, one. I was the first one to date outside. We learned a whole lot from my last relationship with a woman of almost a yr. Despite all the reading of books before we got started, I messed up a lot! Lol I had a whoole lot to learn and so did he. I think we're finally good on that end. He's very encouraging and loving of me having another partner. Upon him trying, decided that being with more than one person was too stressful for him.
We have issues of our own which I'll prob ask advice on later, lol but on to what this is about...
I'm 8 months into a relationship with a new partner. She had never even really heard of polyamory before dating me. In the beginning, she said she wasn't sure what it was about and was curious to see how it worked. She even initiated a couple of threesomes with the both of us. At that point i wasn't sure how it would look. Me and her, or me, her and him. Either was fine, and I was kinda excited that she wanted to involve him. She began to stay over all the time, so much so that she was only home maybe once or twice a week. As time is passing, her feelings for me have become very deep. I love her and she love me dearly. She's to the point where she doesn't see herself w/o me. She absolutely adores my children. We're out to my family and they adore her.The three of us and the children are at all family functions together. And that means a lot to her b/c she's not even out as a bisexual/lesbian (she's still confused about that..whole nother story) to her family b/c they're extremely religious.
So, We had begun to talk about she and I having a baby together, us eventually buying a multi-family home, making solid plans for a real future together. Then all of a sudden she came to me saying that she doesn't think she can do this with just me. And although she a not polyamorous, she may want someone else just b/c I have someone else. (She not interested in my husband as a potential mate, which is fine with me) Initially I was very confused, and hurt. We talked, and I told her that what I want is two partners, (essentially a "V" or triad), that's closed. She said she's been doing some thinking and she realizes that she doesn't like knowing the fact that I sleep with him. That was confusing to me given the fact that we all slept together a few times. She said she only did it to try to make herself more comfortable. I told her that was selfish.
Now, she's previously admitted to me that she's not poly and she doesn't think she can handle two relationships, but none the less, I decided to try it. So she starts talking to this guy. We already had issues before the guy about my distrust with her, but The lying got terribly worst once he came in the picture. It terribly ruined us. I told her I couldn't be with her in this while she was with him b/c she's lied so much, along with the fact that I resented the reason she wanted to be with him in the first place. After our first blow up about the lies, she decided to not talk to any one else. We were fine for a little while. Then she begin again saying how she cant do this , she wants someone else too. She continues to go back and forth. one minute its, she just wants to be with me, and we began to talk about having a baby, and living arrangements, the next, she's saying no, I want to have a guy involved and have a baby with him, possible live with him since u have a husband and kids with him. It's like she constantly compares!! Who does that in a relationship?! I've become very resentful towards her for feeling like she's treating me like a yo-to and leading me on b/c she's unsure of her feelings. Yet Again, we tried, for her to talk to someone else and she began the lying AGAIN. Like looking me in my face, lying. I had become disgusted with her. Extremely hurt. I've gotten to the point now where I'm ready to give up. I love her, and she is such a beautiful person, but she constantly lies, among other little problems we have.
Since this last blow up about the lies, and me Feeling extremely resentful for her getting my hopes up about US having a kid, etc, and then changing her mind. Obviously she would be perfectly happy if it were just she and I, but that's not the case. I'm polyamorous. She isn't but she THINK she wants to be now. Now I don't want her to. Am I being unfair? Sometimes I feel that I am. Because I feel like, I have someone, why can't she? But I also feel like: I don't want an open triad. And I want US to share those things, not her with someone else. Adding to the fact that I don't trust her AT ALL, I really dont want her with someone else out of fear that she will royally mess up again, my own selfish fears, and I'm sooo extremely resentful towards her for how she's handle things...
Is there any hope for this? Has anyone been in this situation? Options for us...
LIES. When that begins you become scattered.. where, when how... seeking the truth. Just STOP. Take a breath. It's already in everything you wrote.. read it.
Lying is not acceptable. But she may have done so because she was scared to face something. Sounds like she may be bi and wants to pursue things with a man.
If it ok for YOU to be poly why not her? You showed her a world may be she would like to explore it. Why are you being selfish?
Relationships are organic things that have their own shape and form.They rarely form to what we had with in our minds.
Lying is almost always a product of someone not believing that the truth will be accepted (not condoning lying).
The best way to get to the bottom of it, in my experience, is to identify what is making them feel unsafe in being open and honest. It could be in their head-but usually it's an action, word or expression that they regularly get in response to unappreciated information.
You want a closed V or triad-in this case-with that piece of trivia-no this won't work. Because it isn't fulfilling one partners needs-hers.
It might work with someone. But not her.
IF you want to remain with her-then you need to let go of the "closed V/triad" because THAT dynamic doesn't allow her to get all of her needs met.
*of course that's all arbitrary if you can't resolve the trust issues that promote her lying to you AND the trust issues caused by her lying to you.
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