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-   -   First Foray... Kinda (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4791)

Rio 01-08-2011 01:40 AM

First Foray... Kinda
 
Iím a bisexual, female, Canadian, 21-year-old university student. I have atrocious luck with women in the lack-of-opportunity category as opposed to the crash-and-burn relationship category.

After two initially monogamous relationships opened up at my request with extremely painful and ultimately disastrous results, I took to (inside my head, at least) identifying myself as nonmonogamous, and made the commitment to myself that I would be honest about this aspect of my identity with future partners. Even so, this idea remained more or less on the back burner for the 6 months or so after thinking of it, mostly due to me taking some time off from romantic relationships.

The clearest and simplest solution to my nonmonogamous leanings which would cause the least pain to all involved seemed to be limiting my romantic interactions to the fling variety, short enough term to avoid the assumption of monogamy.

Throughout this time, the social conditioning of avoiding those already in relationships maintained its stranglehold on my perceptions, which is why I initially wrote off my interest in a friend I met through friends at school. He had a girlfriend.

Several weeks later, I ran into him again at a party and we ended up having a lengthy discussion (admittedly slightly drink-fuelled) about polyamory/open relationships/nonmonogamy. The theories, the logistics, and the possible pitfalls, both of us indicating we were interested in exploring this terrain, but without any (successful) practical experience.

So here we are starting this little adventure. This is a little different from my previous relationships in a number of ways. In addition to initially starting from nonmonogamy, rather than the assumption of immediate or eventual monogamy, itís also the first romantic entanglement Iíve had in quite some time that didnít nearly immediately catapult into ďOh-my-God, I have to be with this person every waking moment of every single dayĒ, which Iíve come to realize is not sustainable, realistic, or in any way ideal.

I met his girlfriend earlier on, before this really started. It concerns me that there seems to be a communication difficulty between them, which I donít see firsthand, having only actually met her once. Ironically, thatís part of the reason there seems to be a communication problem, because I initially asked him to find out from her if sheíd be comfortable meeting me for a coffee and a chat, either with or without him. Iíd like to talk to her directly about whatís going on, to avoid the entire thing becoming a game of broken telephone. Several times now heís told me heíll talk to her about it the next time he sees her, and that he forgot the last time.

I understand it might be uncomfortable for her, or for him, and that it might take a couple of discussions before she comes to a decision. It was a similar situation when he and I first began seeing one another in any sort of romantic sense. It was only after our third date that I found out that he hadnít told her anything about me.

As of right now, he says he has told her, which I believe, largely because the information came back with a list of boundaries which heíd offered to her in the interests of proving himself to be trustworthy. Largely, the boundaries were physical, and I found that although I didnít feel that they were overly restrictive, I did resent their presence, mostly because I hadnít had a chance to give my input or negotiate them in any way.

My major concern is that, knowing that he hasnít fully disclosed everything in a timely manner to her, there are likely things going on in the situation that I donít know about as well, that heís supposed to tell me next time he sees me and forgets.

I think and hope that this is just a little speed bump exacerbated by the fact that it was only about three weeks between the initial date and all of us returning to various points of origin over the holidays, and not talking much. Classes have started again now, so hopefully as we get into our respective routines, weíll be able to smooth things out.

Somegeezer 01-08-2011 01:47 AM

First of all. Make sure everyone is clear on what is happening. Get everyone together at the same time so there's nothing going on behind each others' backs and all that. People sometimes misheard something or forget to include things. If you're there when it is said, it should be clear to everyone

redpepper 01-08-2011 07:37 AM

IT sounds like you are making a good start. It's great to hear that you are creating boundaries and are making sure that while they discussed and created boundaries, that you also need to do that too. Keep at it. There is much to figure out as dynamics form between you and he and your new metamour. She could be in denial, or not all that concerned, or just busy... who knows what their time together is like also, maybe they just don't spend too much time talking because they do other stuff together... all will be revealed it seems and there is plenty of time to sort it all out.

Magdlyn 01-08-2011 11:34 PM

Hi, I'm Magdlyn and I am polyamrous~ and so is my 25 year old daughter.

I see some red flags here. I am thinking your new interest is pretty scared to communicate about his feelings for you openly with his gf. I'm not saying this is because of your young ages; I've had things go wrong with married poly middle aged couples as well, in situations similar to yours. One married poly guy I was involved with also kept putting off telling his wife about his feelings for me.

My daughter was trying to practice polyamory, but recently told me she's taking a break from it, because she doesn't feel she knows herself well enough to manage multiple partners... and her young lovers weren't doing too well at communicating or handling jealousy or the many other factors involved either.

Rio 01-10-2011 06:17 PM

Thanks to everyone for their advice. I really appreciate the kind words and thoughts, but it has become a moot point. For reasons unrelated to poly, it just didn't work. Thanks again, and I'll likely be posting again whenever my second foray comes around. :)


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