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-   -   Looking for advise (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=479)

bentodd2000 07-10-2009 03:08 AM

Looking for advise
 
Hi,

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. When we first got married we had a mutual girlfriend we were both seeing. She spent many nights over. It ended because I got jealous I think. We have not had another relationship outside our marriage since then. Before we got married I am pretty sure she had multiple relationships at times, and I did also. Then we have been monogamous for probably 9 years.

Then about a week ago she mentions polyamory and says the is a poly family on a forum she visits, and she thinks it is interesting. I didn't really know what that meant so I didn't get into it. Then a few days later she mentions it again and explains more. She said she wanted to read "The ethical slut". So I spent the next few days reading up on Polyamory, and i got her a copy of "the ethical slut". I thought the concept was interesting. So I told her that I read up on it. Then she seemed to get embarrassed. Is she just having a hard time telling me her feelings? How can I bring this up again and make her feel comfortable. I mentioned that I had been jealous in a former tri relationship but that is all gone now. I am almost 30 and I am very comfortable with my self, and my sexuality.

Any advise or thoughts or anything to help me.

Thanks

MonoVCPHG 07-10-2009 03:25 AM

Hi Bentodd,

I don't have experience in this area but wanted to welcome you to forum. I'm pretty sure there are more knowledgeable folks who will offer great advice:)

Take care

DestinyWaits 07-10-2009 04:03 AM

On this I can offer both advise as well as insight, you see, been there done that!!

As I stated in my introduction I am bi and my husband is very understanding. When I first came to realize I was Bi my husband told me I could have a gf but that she had to be someone that he could love as well so she could be involved with the whole family not just me on the side, he also asked that I not "sleep around" as there are quite a few nasties running around these days (my husband tends to be old fashioned at times, God love him). I suggested we try the polylifestyle and find someone we could both love and who would love us both in return. At first it seemed all would go great and the hunt for that special woman started.

Fast forward to the first partner we found....

The woman stated she was a true bi and that this lifestyle was what she wanted but after a week or two into the relationship she started trying to spend more and more time with my husband alone, this he told her, would not work and the more he tried to get things on an even foot the more she tried and the more jealous I got. After that I had a hard time trusting any woman we found until our last partner, a woman who did everthing in her power to prove to me that she really did want to be an equal partner, in the end she was the perfect partner but due to circumstances beyond our control the relationship ended though we are still friends. It has taken me a while to understand that even though I have my insecurities(don't we all?) that the love the two of us has is stronger than anything and since we aren't swingers this lifestyle is perfect for us. If your wife is trying to ask you about the lifestyle why not get her on here as well and let her check some of us out? We are all pretty open about how our experiences are going or have gone and I don't know bout the rest of them but I know I am willing to answer any questions that might arise if it will help someone out.

Quath 07-10-2009 05:16 AM

I gave my wife the "Ethical Slut" also. However, what she mostly took from it was that poly people are in it mostly for the sex. So I have been trying to convince her it is more about the relationships and sex tends to be part of romantic relationships. The Ethical Slut is more about nonmonogamy in general. So you may want to find her something a little more about polyamory itself.

I think if you want to talk about how you feel and how you change, just bring it up. A big part of polyamory is the communications. So no time like the present to work on talking about how you feel andwhat you desire.

MonoVCPHG 07-10-2009 05:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quath (Post 2703)
I gave my wife the "Ethical Slut" also. However, what she mostly took from it was that poly people are in it mostly for the sex. .

I tried to read it (meaning I couldn't) and had the same reaction. Redpepper's husband gave me this one "Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits : Secrets of Sustainable Intimate Relationships" by Deborah M. Anapol. It was a good book that presented polyamory in a much more meaningful light.
Communication is of course always better though.

http://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-With.../dp/1880789086

Take care:)

bentodd2000 07-10-2009 09:42 AM

thanks for all the comments. I will try to figure things out.

foxflame88 07-10-2009 03:29 PM

Maybe she is uncomfortable w/ face-to-face convos? Maybe try journaling your thoughts and presenting them that way? It could open up communication, and w/ time, maybe she'll be able to talk w/ you openly w/o being uncomfortable.

bentodd2000 07-11-2009 12:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by foxflame88 (Post 2725)
Maybe she is uncomfortable w/ face-to-face convos? Maybe try journaling your thoughts and presenting them that way? It could open up communication, and w/ time, maybe she'll be able to talk w/ you openly w/o being uncomfortable.

I was thinking about writing her a long email and I can send it to her before I go to work so she has all day to read it.

Mark1npt 07-11-2009 01:52 PM

Any communication will help. You have to communicate with eachother for this to have any prayer of it working, long term. Without it, every relationship will end up short term or not being anywhere near what it could be.

And Mono thanks for the link on the book. I already ordered a copy for us. There's gotta be something in there for all of us!

smittenkitten 07-13-2009 01:01 AM

I agree with the others who have said communication is so very important. If she doesn't feel comfortable talking about it when you initiate the conversation...maybe try to leave it open-ended for her to discuss it first...Just tell her that you've been reading up on polyamory too, joined a forum about it and if she wants to talk more about what you've found, you'd be open to it. Good luck!


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