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-   -   New, Scared, Liberated...Married. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=47842)

NatalieRose 05-28-2013 12:17 AM

New, Scared, Liberated...Married.

My name is Natalie and I am new to polyamory, or newly 'out', I should say. I am 25 years old, and for nearly 6 years now have been married to a wonderful, kind, supportive, sensitive, talented, monogamous man. We have 2 young children. I came out to him about a week ago after several years of inner struggle, the last few months of which I've spent in utter emotional agony, knowing full well the time to come out was approaching and I would soon have to face the repercussions of being honest and open about who I am and what my needs and desires are. I cannot live a lie.

I began to notice my polyamorous nature and desires as a teen, around 18 years old or so. Since that time, I have been in deeply in love with multiple people at one time, usually 2 or 3 at a time, and before I was married I simultaneously dated 2 men at once, though I was not 'out' as poly. During my marriage, I have fallen in love twice and had countless intense connections with other men, but each time stayed true and faithful to my wonderful husband, suppressing my strong poly urges. I have never cheated on him and never will, I am well aware that is not part of a poly lifestyle and I would never want that deceit and dishonesty. I desire only to live honestly, openly, to love fully, and to share my life and love with multiple people.

Since I've told him, we've been on an intense but *very* communicative journey of figuring out where to go from here. My husband is open and so accepting of who I am, he's responding so beautifully, but he's also trying to figure out exactly who he is now that I've shaken the very foundations of his existence. He's highly intellectual. He loves the idea of polyamory, but he has much to work through, emotionally and mentally, and of course neither of us are sure where he'll land. An aspect of this newly begun journey which adds exponentially more complications is that I am very deeply in love with another man. I am soulfully and beautifully connected to the other man, as I am to my husband (who of course I love no less because of it. In fact, I love him more deeply than ever). I desire to have a long term, committed, loving relationship with this other man, as well as with my husband, naturally. The other man is poly-accepting, though does not necessarily desire outside lovers at this time. This is all so new, so different than the abstract, quiet notion of it all, and so very, very complicated. I am so deeply in love with both men, it would utterly crush me to give up either relationship (though I had not begun a sexual relationship with man #2 before coming out.)

I come here today seeking support, advice, tips, and whatever else you have to throw my way. I understand the difficulties associated with opening up a monogamous marriage to a poly one. I know it rarely works when 1 person is monogamous and the other poly. We are so dedicated to navigating this bumpy, emotional path, but we need all the help we can get.

Much love,

nycindie 05-28-2013 03:01 AM

Hi and welcome!


Originally Posted by NatalieRose (Post 206815)
I came out to him about a week ago . . . I had not begun a sexual relationship with man #2 before coming out.

Not sure if I'm reading this correctly. Do you mean that after you came out as poly to your husband only a week ago, you then began a sexual relationship with this other man?


Originally Posted by NatalieRose (Post 206815)
I know it rarely works when 1 person is monogamous and the other poly.

Who told you that? I think that is a myth. There have been/are many people here in poly/mono arrangements, and there is a Yahoo group for monos in poly relationships, and other resources. It is not so rare or disastrous as you may believe.

kdt26417 05-28-2013 05:03 AM

Hello Natalie,
Welcome to our forum.

I guess my main advice is take it slow and keep communicating a lot. Have the two men met one another? That might be something to consider.

I hope you are benefitted from your time on this site. Have a look at some of our threads and see if you have any questions. The Golden Nuggets board might be a good place to start.

Will your husband be checking Polyamory.com out? Who knows, it might help him organize his thoughts.

Glad you could join us.
Kevin T.

NatalieRose 05-28-2013 05:34 AM

pfrang the
Hi All!

Thank you for the replies.

To clarify, I did not begin a sexual relationship within a week of coming out to my husband, I meant I had not begun a sexual relationship with love #2 before (and still have not, though we've expressed our love to one another verbally. We now have an emotionally close relationship). Hope that clears it up!

My husband has done MUCH research on polyamory in the last week and we have heavily communicated about all the emotions/possibilities, etc. And polyamory.com has been a big part of the research!

I have read and heard that poly/mono arrangements don't often work well...Glad to hear otherwise!

mhjb2801 05-28-2013 07:14 PM

Welcome, I'm in a somewhat same situation with my husband but he's open to going poly himself and we just now started the whole dating thing with poly after talking about it for 5 years because i wanted to make sure he was comfortable and knew everything there was to know as well as the fact that he's my number 1 i guess you'd say.

I had him watch some of the poly shows out there and we talked about it, what he didn't like or did like.
We've got two small children ourselves that is our only real worry now.

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