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-   -   Introduction and call for advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=476)

lightwork 07-09-2009 02:59 PM

Introduction and call for advice
Hi, I am glad to see this board. I will try to be concise. About a year ago, I met a guy who I connected with really deeply--psychically, emotionally, and physically. He was here doing some work, and I knew was scheduled to go back home, about 14 hours away, a week later. I also knew he was in an open relationship. We had a really amazing and heart opening week.

At this point, I had been celibate for about 3 years. I had started with a one year commitment to celibacy, and that turned into another 2 year dry spell after my relationship to sex changed a lot, and I wanted to really only share intimacy with people I connected with as much as this guy. He was really the first one I connected with like this post celibacy. And so, it was a big blessing for me on that level, a reminder from life that there is a great, fulfilling, love-ly intimacy available out there. (I live in a pretty rural area, and meeting queer people, especially of the kin I connect with, is rare.)

By the end of the week together, something had happened that I hadn't planned on--I pretty much fell in love with this guy. And it made me really uncomfortable when I though about him in this committed relationship with someone else. So, on our last night together, I brought up my feelings because I wanted to hear him talk about his relationship a little bit. His relationship sounds beautiful, and cerebrally, I totally get why it works for them, and see the beauty in polyamory.

But on an experiential level, it hurt me that we shared something that felt, to me, so deep, and singular, and that he was going to move on.

So, I ended up seeing him again a few months ago, and also met his partner. Who is a wonderful guy who I have a lot of love for now too.

Well, this guy is back here for a couple of months. I am thinking I am more grounded now, and understand that he is in this relationship, the likes of which I do not have much reference for, but that I respect, and even hold in a kind of elevated esteem.

I am hoping someone who may understand my situation will chime in with some advice about how to maneuver this so that I do not become too invested in that kind of one on one connection that seems to comfort the side of me that feels "alone" and wanting a relationship for "alliance" type reasons. I know I have all the wisdom and grounding to do this, but thought maybe hearing some wisdom from those who have walked first would help.

All love and light,

XYZ123 07-09-2009 03:12 PM

Hi. I am also really new to this board and trying to accept myself as a poly person. What I can tell you is that the one time I did try a poly relationship (myself, my husband, and my girlfriend), I felt LESS alone than I ever had in my life. I too was afraid of losing that one-on-one connection (with my husband). But, as it turned out, we gained so much more. This other partner, whom you say you have love for, is not a competitor, but another ally. The more people we love, who love us and accept us, the less alone we truly are.
Good luck to you and I hope you find all the love and happiness you are searching for.

Mark1npt 07-09-2009 08:24 PM

Well put XYZ........there is no competition, that's not healthy and can't exist in a truly poly relationship. Ally, is a very good word. Different partners/lovers may have different "strengths" in their connection, but that doesn't mean a hill of beans. We're all "allies".......in love and life.

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