Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Trouble getting started... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4758)

Dave 01-07-2011 05:59 PM

Trouble getting started...
 
Hi guys,

We're currently starting out on new relationship, and based on past experience, we both agree that we want to try a more open approach than the classical mono relationship. Not sure if we're going to tag it "polyamorous", but we're both confident that we will be able to figure out the details as we go along. So far, so good.

Oddly, we're finding it pretty hard to even get this started. Somehow, we want to avoid the classical mono path that we're so used to (and which we know is the path to the dark side), but we don't know how to. The relationship is new, we're both really excited about each other, and neither side is currently interested in other potential partners. But we also know that, if we continue down that path, it will likely lead us to the usual game of dependency/jealousy/ownership/inhibiting/fear of loss/etc. where we really don't want to be heading.

Seems like we would need a place holder of some sort, so the relationship stays open and we don't fall into those old patterns again. We even thought about deliberately having one affair each to "test" the waters and stay aware of the type of relationship we ultimately want, but that seems awfully artificial and even childish (in a not-so-funny way). On the other hand, we have good reason to believe that, once a mono relationship has gone past a certain point, and both sides have become used to mutual exclusivity, it is next to impossible to take those privileges away from each other again, without causing substantial damage to the relationship.

Oddly, it seems like, if we both already had an ongoing relationship, adding this new relationship on top of it would actually work best, because that way, the status quo would already be established (and both of us could definitely handle that). But of course, you cannot simulate such a situation.

Hope I make sense. :) Has anyone felt this dilemma before? Any advice would be greatly appreciated - thanks in advance!

Dave

MonoVCPHG 01-07-2011 06:11 PM

Sounds like you guys have a great attitude! Even though you aren't sure what form your relationship will take, why not try finding a local poly community in your area. If you can, meet people with similar thoughts and ideals about responsible non-monogamy in general. If you are as honest with others as you are with yourselves than perhaps you can find some people to share that journey with you who will be completyely informed.

Good luck :)

nycindie 01-07-2011 06:17 PM

I can relate. I just started dating again after my husband wanting a divorce and moving out. I am choosing to explore polyamory, and just started seeing a man who is fine with that. I have other flirtations and prospects, but no other lovers... yet. However, I have just been realizing that I don't need to be in a hurry to find an additional relationship. What I have with this man started out naturally, so adding someone else artificially just so I can say I'm "doing poly" is ridiculous! I don't want to go to events or parties where everyone is intent on just hooking up. You can date and go out without taking it very far, in order to feel like you still have your options open. Just ask people out and get to know them, you don't have to make every new person you meet a lover. And keep talking. For myself, I know it's up to me to prevent the backsliding into neediness and codependence, by focusing on me and my emotional health rather than the relationship itself.

SNeacail 01-07-2011 06:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dave (Post 58843)
On the other hand, we have good reason to believe that, once a mono relationship has gone past a certain point, and both sides have become used to mutual exclusivity, it is next to impossible to take those privileges away from each other again, without causing substantial damage to the relationship.

I don't believe this. Relationships cycle and as someone else here said, they are fluid. Enjoy each other, spend the time of exclusivity getting to know your partner and learning how to communicate effectively. If you are communicating and know that you can talk to your partner about everything, then it shouldn't come as a surprise when either of you find someone else that could be another potential interest. I would think that you would want to share your excitement over a new potential with your partner and have her share in your excitement or be able to pull you back when you aren't thinking rationally.

Ithink 01-07-2011 08:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 58853)
I don't believe this. Relationships cycle and as someone else here said, they are fluid. Enjoy each other, spend the time of exclusivity getting to know your partner and learning how to communicate effectively. If you are communicating and know that you can talk to your partner about everything, then it shouldn't come as a surprise when either of you find someone else that could be another potential interest. I would think that you would want to share your excitement over a new potential with your partner and have her share in your excitement or be able to pull you back when you aren't thinking rationally.

I agree completely. Don't "trap" yourself with mono thinking. After 25 years together in a mono relationship my wife and I had a very satisfying Poly relationship for about 5 years. It all boils down to communication.
IThink


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:24 AM.