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-   -   My Rantings- from a primary's standpoint (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=47561)

polywindsor 05-22-2013 11:29 PM

My Rantings- from a primary's standpoint
okay so I am totally new to both this website and poly in general. I have been a bi-sexual woman and my husband of five years (CM) and I joked around about having a third woman, and when we met our gf (JB) I knew for certain she was the one. I knew because her and I instantly became good friends. Now I cant say that this isn't hard because it is, JM hasn't come out to her parents and recently we found out that there was an OOPS in the making (due Dec. 19 2013), So here we are, we have just moved in together all three of us and things are changing. Not just with our relationship, we also have a non-poly roommate (NM), we are learning about not just poly but also parenting as well, we are also learning about family and struggles of adapting to living together. So I have always kept a journal and always valued the opinion of other like minded people, so I decided to start blogging. Now that you know the cast and characters, let me introduce a few back stage members of our group: Ma is my husbands widowed mother, Mom and Dad are JB's mom and dad, My parents and family are non existent except in my children's lives. I have two children from a previous relationship which I am fighting for custody of. I am a Nurse and a recovered Heroin addict and proud to work with other addicts. So now that you know all our people, I have two more who I know will add serious antics to the drama and that's sally JB's prissy Siamese/ hyaline cat, and Izzy our Min Pin.
So I guess that about wraps up the introductions I guess I can start tonights ranting LOL

So I am very insistent that my family sit down to at least one meal a day at the table. So tonight it was steak, potatoes and rice. No mind you I am the one who cooks sets the table and makes everyone come to dinner. So when I sit down I kind of expect everyone to talk and chat, but tonight it was like there was a tension in the air, I cant quite figure it out but you know when your mommy instincts start going and you know there is something up but no ones is saying anything, and I wasn't about to rock the boat. I asked JB a few questions as she is starting her new job tomorrow, and I am so proud of her. I asked what time she needed up, so I cant get up early and make sure her and the baby have a good breakfast before going off for a full 12 hour shift. After asking a few questions, the silence remained. I knew we would finish dinner in that fashion. So while we were sitting there, I had the rare chance to just linger away in my own thoughts. While I was there I started looking around and noticed that every single person at that table with the exception of me had their elbows on the table, napkins either bunched up next to their plate or hadn't even bothered to move their napkin to their lap. What atrocious manors my family has. After having dinner last night with my 10 and 11 yrs old daughters and recognizing them every time they did have good table manors, I picked up on this group of adult men and women with table manors that wouldn't even suit McDonalds, I sware. So since JB is starting her new job tomorrow and I start mine sometime this week, I am going to have to sit down and have a family meeting regarding the chores of the house and the house hold management, because I cant keep up, I realized that not only with the manors, also with the house I am mostly the mommy figure and take care of everyone, don't get me wrong I love my duties, but now that things are changing and that we are both going to be working we have to sort out the whole domestic stuff. I am not sure how to let go of the reins, but also I know that I cant just be the only one doing this, and as with the table manors I cant exactly expect things to be done as I think they should be, because in the end, everyone was fed, happy and clean so really why was I so concerned?

FullofLove1052 05-23-2013 12:24 AM

Welcome to the forum and to poly!

Congrats to you all on the new pending bundle of joy. I love babies.

How do you think JM's parents are going to handle it when she comes out? Are they aware of her pregnancy, yet, or is she waiting to tell them the happy news?

Living together is a challenge at first. Different personalities and different ways of doing things. You can come up with a chores schedule and e-mail it if it is too hard to have a face-to-face family meeting. Or you can post it on a dry erase board or the refrigerator. You have to be creative!

I look forward to following your journey, and I hope all is well with each one of you! :)


polywindsor 05-23-2013 03:18 PM


Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 (Post 205915)

How do you think JM's parents are going to handle it when she comes out? Are they aware of her pregnancy, yet, or is she waiting to tell them the happy news?


Hey there;

JB's parents are aware of the pregnancy and they are happy about being grandparents. JB didn't think that she could have children and had resigned herself to that ( Sally is her fur-child), so this is wonderful news for everyone. I am out to CM's family and most of my friends and work. JM is quite a different story, she is hardly out at all, and I don't want to seem pushy in any way, so I am just letting her do it on her own when she is ready. She is a very shy person to being with and there for it is harder for her. I am encouraging her to come out, as her parents have started to really ask questions now that we are all living together. There are two queen size beds in our room pushed together, so when they come over JM has to keep them out of our room, but there is three bedrooms in the house, Norm has one, CM, JB and I have the other, and the their is a set up as an office, so they have to have some kind of idea. Also I am always with them, and always here, so I am sure that they have a bit of an idea but to be honest I don't know how much. I know it is hard for her, so I am trying to be patient and wait and be supportive, but it is hard sometimes since I feel like I am being hidden quite often, so it is a sore spot in our relationship because I am stuck between how I feel and feeling for JB. LOL....

As for the baby in the works, we have all decided that JB and I are going to be Mommy and Mama, and CM is Daddy. So this is how the dynamic of that is going to work, though I don't know how it will work with JB's parents.? I physically can not have any more children, and CM and I have wanted a child for 3 years and have gone through one miscarriage and there for finding out I cannot have any more. Though I have two from my past, I still wanted one to make our family whole. So when JB got pregnant, I believe that it was fate intervening with what should be happening. Both of my partners believe this as well. There are times when I find it hard being the second Mama, and feeling left out with the baby, as I am sure that JB feels sometimes left out of CM and I's relationship. LOL, this is why I decided to blog because I have soooooooooo much going on in my life and all these feelings floating around, and no where to express them. My partners are sympathetic but it isn't their job to manage my emotions and feelings. And I know with my heart of hearts that this is the right decision for me, for us and our life, but navigating these emotional waters, sometimes I think we need a MD in psychology .....though when I look back I think of all the crazy things in our life and I sware we should have a comedy show LOL.

polywindsor 05-23-2013 03:51 PM

My Rantings- from a primary's standpoint
Thursday May, 23 2013

So, I have been trying to re-connect with JB because I am starting to feel like her and I aren't as close since we moved in together. Weather it is the stress of moving, of worrying about her parents, both of us starting new jobs and just being pregnant has interfered with our closeness or our lack of time because of our crazy schedule I decided I needed some closeness , so a few days ago I set out to make some time for just her and I to re-connect and feel our bond that we have. Now to know JB and I is to go wow they are totally polar opposites, from our personalities to our best assets physically we are totally the opposite. She has short hair I have long, she has a great a$$ and I have the chest, I love spagettii she hates it, she is blue I am pink. It is just the way that we are so trying to connect is sometimes hard becaue things I would like done for me aren't really her cup of tea so sometimes it takes quite a bit of though in planning time together, but CM actually made it happen. He downloaded Breaking Bad and started watching it, I just so happens that I am a science nut and love the show and JB is a skateboarding nut so she loves the show. Weird how we find those things out, so with her first day at work happening this morning, last night I set out her clothes, set the alarm for early to wake up and then cuddled just her and I watching the entire season on Breaking Bad. LOL, of course I tucked her in, and she me (hehe, that has never been any kind of issue in our household !) and then off we went to bed. This morning I got up made coffee, packed her lunch and ironed her clothes. She was so happy just to have the support and the closeness that I feel we have gotten back on the same path together. I guess I am growing as a person and as a gf, because I used to think those things were just something the wife/mother did, not that it could be time used to connect and be close to someone. It was so nice to just be appreciated for the little things and to know that she feels closer that I forgot the need to be romantic and just let it happen on its own. I cant believe how lucky and honored I am to have this woman in my life who is showing me the little things in life, not the big things that my personality sees. I guess I have always been the kind of person go big or go home, a perfectionist per say, but JB is slowly but surely teaching me how to enjoy life simply. :)

polywindsor 05-25-2013 10:46 PM

saturday may 25 2013
The last couple of days have been crazy crazy around here. J! Has been working, and we have had to come "out" to her boss. Yesterday I walked izzy to meet JB when she was done work (I do this often as she works just up the road so it is a nice walk) and on the way back her boss is texting her asking her to take more shifts. JB is almost ten weeks pregnant with horrible morning sickness and just drained so its not an option for her right now. We hadn't told her boss about being pregnant and poly yet because we didn't know how okay with it they would be. But we had to tell her about the baby yesterday.I am not sure if she ended up telling her boss about the baby's father etc... In one breath I underrstand not telling them, and I never want to push JB but I really feal hidden for the most part. I asked her the other day what she was going to do when her sister comes from out of town and stays with us. How are we going to hide that? Does anyone else know someone not out or arnt out themselves? I am fealing this way and when I tell her she says well I can't or she clams right up (she is very shy ) and I don't want to push her but I hate being put off as just the friend not the partner, which I am. Even to her parents and ANY family noone knows. It is really just CM and I's family and friends with a few of her, a select few.
I guess I need to put my patience cap on! I love her and always remember that. This is why I rant here and not at her :) thx for any input :)

polywindsor 05-26-2013 04:03 PM

Sunday, May 26 2013
I am not sure if what I am fealing is normal or not but today I really feal like a third wheel and very left out.
My hubby CM his aunt called and asked him and our roommate NM (nonpoly) to help her move. JB's parents were bringing some more stuff over (we are still moving the odds and ends in from moving in together) after discussion it was determind JB and I would have a couple hours in the morning (after I went to assist at work for a couple hour)to be alone * remember I have been saying for the last week or so that with the caos of our move and stuff that we wernt as close and that I was trying to reconnect with her* So I leave for work, JB being the only one up, she kisses me bye and then goes back to bed with CM. I was only gone an hour or a little morer, but by the time I got home everything had changed, well I guess not really cuz the boys were still doing as planned, but JB decided she was going to her parents to do laundry (it was done 2 days ago but I get her wanting to stay up on it) and then she was gunna help them bring her stuff out and I'd bring it up stairs when they got here. So much for mu special time with her. I feal like everything I said this week didn't count. I feal like she is embarassed by me (otherwise she would have asked me to go, or she would tell her parents we are together, even though they ask about our beds and sleeping arangements and they see me with her and CM all the time. I feal like she doesn't want to have a relationship with me, only the 3 of us and hers and him. About two days ago CM was tattoing so I asked JB if after dinner she would like to find us a movie and/or TV show on the laptop and cuddle up and watch it in bed. At first she made excuses like she didn't have anything to watch right now, I said I don't care I just want to cuddle with you and our baby. She backed off and said okay. I cooked dinner, did the dishes, showered shaved I stink pretty. I go out into the living room where JB CM NM, cat and dog are. I sit down and almost immediately JB stands with her cat and announces she is going to bed. You get the normal rounds of good nights kisses and hugs, all without any recognition of my suggestion. Now you have to understand JB to realize she isn't being rude intentionally; she is just super duper almost painfully shy. So please believe me when I say it wasn't being rude she probibly was just tired because she worked 8hrs and is pregnant, but I try to not say anything as to not hurt the person I love or make her uncomfortable, or push her into something she isn't ready to (ie comming out). I feal like she hides me quite often, with her familuy, doctors, friends, collegues. I believe there are only 3 people whom she has told, of those three, I spilled the beans unknowingly and unintentionally to one, the second one isn't a super close friends and the third she is no longer friends with. So this is why I feal hidden and like I'm the dirty little secret noone wants to get out!! Lol is this normal to feal this way when someone is still pretty much entirely in the closet??? I am starting to develop a relationship with her parents and I continueously have to watch what I say and do (I can't touch either of them, as CM is her bf and they don't know about me; I'm the friend), I also feal like I am a sham, dishonnest sham because I like who I am and am proud and lucky to have them both, and I have to sit back and bequiet!!!
I know I need to talk with her, but it feals like whenever I do she doesn't give a thought to what I say ( and I'm not sure if that's because she's pregnasnt, or emotional or scarde, or lack of her anti anixiety medications(her doc took her off for the prergnancy)
So anyone with any advice on what to do I'd very much apreciate anything, because right now I am a fish out of water flopping around. I am not sure what to do, or say to get my needs met but also respect her and not push her. Its kind of like a tight rope act, its all good till a mm wrong move!!!

Magdlyn 05-26-2013 04:22 PM

There are threads here on coming out, look around. It's different for everyone. I think it must be especially hard for you since you're married to her bf, but her peeps think she's his gf and you're just a roommate! Weird! Don't you and he wear rings?

It is tricky when you're out and proud and one of your partners isn't. How long has she been your/yr husband's gf? How long did you date before moving in together?

I am sorry she is not giving you enough romantic alone time. That's the thing with triads, sometimes one person won't be interested much in one of their 2 partners.

polywindsor 05-31-2013 01:27 AM


Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 206623)
There are threads here on coming out, look around. It's different for everyone. I think it must be especially hard for you since you're married to her bf, but her peeps think she's his gf and you're just a roommate! Weird! Don't you and he wear rings?

It is tricky when you're out and proud and one of your partners isn't. How long has she been your/yr husband's gf? How long did you date before moving in together?

I am sorry she is not giving you enough romantic alone time. That's the thing with triads, sometimes one person won't be interested much in one of their 2 partners.

My hubby and I don't wear rings, we both have symbolic tattoos with eachothers names in it so its easy to miss as both of us have several tats. Ass for JB ii sat her down and told her how I was fealing and use straight examples and told her that just because I'm feeling this way doesn't mean she did anything intentionally and it doesn't mean that I love her any less. When I brought up the subject of "comming out" to her family her response was I just don't know how to tell them. So that's what we are working on now. She has taken what I said very seriously and tried to make me feel better about us so I really have to aplod her here:). Its a work in progress! Thank u for the recomendation, I have been reading as much as I can on here as there is sooooo much great info and even more wonderful people. Thank you :)

polywindsor 06-01-2013 03:45 AM

my slip up- Friday, May 31,2013
So I have been up and down lately about JB being "out" and how much it is starting to bother me to "hide". Well today takes the cake and weather it was my little subconscious playing snide comment game in the back of my head while I was having a conversation with her dad, or it was just a brain fart moment, I am not quite sure but either way, I had a stressful day today because of it.
So JB is at work and her dad calls me and says that he needs to drop off a piece of mail for her. I said sure not a problem I will meet ya down stairs of the apartment so that you don't have to come up. Well I was chatting with her father he casaually asks weather we have gotten our ac units in, and I just in an automatic response said ya of course we have it in our room, not even thinking that it is supposed to be JB and CM's room not mine. Immediately I realized what I said and started the "oh shit" game in my head, I don't think that he even noticed. So I said JB loves it the ac is right above her head. He went on to talk about liking the cold himself and not being able to sleep if its hot. I agreed and quickly said my good-byes. I didn't want him to have anything else to tip him off. Me and my big yap. I don't think that I did this intentionally as some may believe, and maybe my sub-conscious and the ugly green eyed monster reared their ugly heads in the back part of my brain, you know the one that the "brain fart comes from" the dusty dirty never used part because I would certainly never ever ever hurt her intentionally. Or "out" her intentionally. I ran up three flights of stairs to burst into the apartment and through my hyperventilating I yelled to my husband, I messed up and slipped to JB's dad. I was so upset AND could barely breath he thought I totally outed her and started saying oh how could you, you know that she is afraid they will disown her. I know this and thus the reason I would never hurt her, when I told him what I did, he said he figured it would be best if I didn't tell her, hey it wasn't like he even noticed (well not yet anyways and that was my fear) So we go and meet JB at work and start to do our running around. Every time she asks something about her dad I want to tell her, every time she looks at me with the trust in her eyes I wanted to tell her what I did, not just because lies are apart of my past and I just don't like them in my life, or because I was afraid that her parents would catch those things and later confront her and she would n't even know what I did. so after 5 hours of internal "good angel, bad devil" conversations I decided to tell her. I couldn't tell if she was upset or scarde or just tired, but I finally called her into the bed room and relieved my conscious. I also informed my hubby that I told her the truth, he asked me why would you say that, I told him "lying is apart of my past and who I was when I was an addict and in order for us to work and know that we are going to take care of eachothers needs emotionally and physically and mentally then where would we really be? I wouldn't do that to you and keep something, why would I do it to her' JB seamed to smile at this. I am not sure if I have done the right thing by telling her, but I know that my conscious is clear and I know I wouldn't ever say anything in the world to hurt either one of my partners, how could I?? but I do know that no matter how much it hurts them the truth is always the best way to go.

FullofLove1052 06-01-2013 09:16 PM

Slip ups happen. It was not like you intentionally did it, and like you said, he did not seem to catch it. You did right in telling JB. Imagine if her dad had called and asked something about that slip of the tongue. I am sure she appreciated your honesty. Do not worry about it. It was an honest mistake, and it could happen to anyone. :)

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