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-   -   Handling Kids (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=47527)

LadySFI 05-22-2013 12:00 PM

Handling Kids
I have an 8 year old son and am currently in a V relationship. We all get along well, and whenever my husband and son are in town (I am a student that lives almost 5 hours away from him) we all spend time together. This is a new relationship, just shy of 2 months (the husband, 13 years).
However, I spend more time with the boyfriend than the husband because of proximity. Both of the guys get along great too. I am not sure what this is going to develop into over time and don't know how to handle our situation with my son around. How do others with kids work it out?

Derbylicious 05-22-2013 01:24 PM

I have an 8 year old and a 6 year old. I just live my life around them. Honestly they don't care at all what the grown ups do. If your son asks you questions answer him honestly. You are his parents, however you live your life will be his normal.

Inyourendo 05-22-2013 01:33 PM

Only the 14 year old knows. The other kids don't pay attention. 14 year old was like "if you're fixed why do you buy condoms?" Lol duh

nycindie 05-22-2013 03:46 PM

Have you done any searches for past posts? You can do an Advanced Search or a Tag Search and find a wealth of information. There is a very long thread here about children and polyamory. Lots of insights and experiences shared there: Children and Polyamory

Dagferi 05-22-2013 05:21 PM

My kids are 10 and 6. They just do their normal kid things.

They met Murf after we had been together 6 months. They didn't even bat an eye. Murf goes along to the kids events like sports and school functions. The kids introduce Butch as Dad and Murf as my Mom boyfriend. The way the current world works no one bats an eye. I an sure people assume Butch and I are divorced.

My kids spend holidays and etc with Murfs family after we celebrate here at the house. Butch and my closest family is 10+ hours away. Butch usually has to work most holidays anyway.

Marcus 05-22-2013 06:41 PM


Originally Posted by Inyourendo (Post 205763)
"if you're fixed why do you buy condoms?" Lol duh

What an awesome question!

Kids will let you know when they are ready for something because they'll show interest. They don't need to be spoon fed reality - unless the goals is to raise them to be dependent on us.

Live your life, let them live theirs, answer their questions when they ask them.

AnnabelMore 05-22-2013 09:39 PM

Just gonna add a ditto. Kids are self-absorbed, they care about how adults treat them, not about the nuances of the connections between those adults that don't pertain to them. I've read a number of accounts of kids raised in poly families, and it doesn't seem to bother them, with the exception of parents who start doing poly when their kids are teens and have already formed their values, in which case I've heard of a story or two where a kid was very offended and judgmental. Its like kids raised by gay parents. It may not be the norm to the rest of society, but to them it's normal, versus if you come out as gay to them when they're mostly grown, you can't necessarily predict their reaction.

LovingRadiance 05-23-2013 12:39 AM

Mostly we just live our life.
The one caveat is that our youngest daughter (21, 17, 13, 6) gets emotionally attached very easily.
So we have an agreement that new POTENTIALS don't meet the kids. Only at the point where someone becomes a serious prospect does that happen.
This agreement came after 2 of Maca's potentials turned into disasters. The resulting emotional turmoil of our daughter (they were both kind to the kids) wasn't worth it for us. Much easier to just wait until we know someone is at least going to be around as a friend before letting the kids meet them.

sparklepop 05-23-2013 05:27 AM

We have a four year old daughter (myself, my girlfriend and her husband) and we are open with affection about her. We haven't encouraged her to call me Mommy; though she goes through phases of calling me that on her own. We haven't sat down and explained the links. She and I get on wonderfully and she is like my little best friend. I've been in her life since she was two, so she is very used to having me around, very used to my GF sleeping in my bed sometimes, etc.

We are just now starting to deal with things like other parents. I personally do not care what other people think and feel that children will always find something to bully other children about. However, my GF isn't comfortable being open about our V to our daughter's school connections. I respect that entirely, so we leave it at that.

I agree with Marcus that it can be best to let children ask questions when they are ready. I remember going on holidays with my Dad when I was a child and his "friend" would sleep in his bed. He never admitted she was his girlfriend, even though we said we were completely fine about it. Kids pick up on things and I do think they are more concerned about how something effects them; how nice the adults are being, etc.

However, we don't introduce secondary partners to our daughter. We don't want her to become attached and upset. We would have to know a secondary for at least 6-12 months to go there.

Maleficent 05-23-2013 03:06 PM

My partners and I have seven children in all. With the younger kids our relationship is so far off their radar that we don't worry too much. We show affection in front of them. Sitting together on the couch, holding hands, even sharing a bed at night. So long as their needs are being met they are happy.

It's trickier with our teenagers. They pick up on things. Unless they ask we don't plan to bring it up. We aren't "out" but someday I very much want to be. once there is some good mileage on our relationship we will talk about what to say. For now we're still dealing with our own feelings.

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