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SpaceyGirl 05-22-2013 01:11 AM

Newbie Questions
 
Hi, I'm new so please forgive me if anything is repeated. I have a few questions about poly relationships.

The first is how do you decide who the V is in a poly relationship? I've always wondered if this just happens or do you and your primary partner decide?

Two: How do you pick/find other partners? Does the primary partners date the the secondary together? Does the hinge just date and the other primary gives input in the matter?

Three: How does it work if one of the primary pair is bisexual, but the other one isn't?

Four: How do you deal with a poly relationship if they primary pair has children and then decide to open the relationship?


Sorry for the length.
SpaceyGirl:cool:

Vixtoria 05-22-2013 01:45 AM

I'm going to try and answer these for you and I hope they help.

ONE: A V is a type of relationship. Where one person, the hinge, has to loves but those two loves aren't in a relationship together. So, for example, I am in a V. I am a hinge. I have my husband and my boyfriend. They are not friends or lovers, but get along and are respectful of each other. As for how it was decided, I fell for BF and so started dating him. A V is how it ended up. If hubby dates then he will be the hinge of a V.

TWO: A) Personally, I find partners the same way anyone does. In life. Common interests, meet up in places, that kind of thing. I do NOT date with my husband. Personally, that makes no sense to me. Hubby and I have a lot in common but that doesn't mean that we will have feelings for the same people or they will have feelings for both of us. So if he dates, he goes out to date, when I date, I go out and date. Not together.

B) As for input, if he asks my opinion fine, if I ask his fine. Otherwise I'm not sure what you mean by input. We discuss things, we are open and honest with our communication and what is going on, but we respect each other's privacy, all three of us, and there is no asking each other should I date X or not, who do YOU think I should date kind of thing going on.

THREE: I am bisexual, though I consider myself Pansexual as I think there's more than just male and female, but hubby is not. Both hubby and boyfriend are straight men. We have similar tastes in women. The only time it has come up that I am bi and they are not is that if they want to date a woman, I give them space and don't try and date the same woman, at least not right away. It's their relationship not mine!

FOUR: Hubby and I have children, we opened our marriage after having them. I'm not sure what information you want about it. My kids are older, pre teen and teen, have been around the Queer community all their life and so it's never been much of an issue to let them in on the fact that mom has more than one love. Heck, at one time I had to explain why I could NOT marry more than one man and why I WOULD not marry a gay man! Boyfriend knows about the kids they know about him, they get along but boyfriend is a friend not another parent as my relationship with boyfriend is not like that.

JaneQSmythe 05-22-2013 02:44 AM

Hello and Welcome (if I haven't said that already)!

Like Vixtoria I am a "hinge" in a MFM Vee with my husband and my boyfriend. I also am Bisexual and have a few casual female FWBs (some of which also have played with me and MrS, my husband, although this is not expected or required).

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpaceyGirl (Post 205717)
The first is how do you decide who the V is in a poly relationship? I've always wondered if this just happens or do you and your primary partner decide?

(Vixtoria already clarified the V/hinge terminology)

Some people are specifically "looking for" this relationship configuration. Lots of other Vees form when people are attempting to form a "Triad" (three people who are all involved with each other) and it turns out that two of the three are interested in one but not necessary in each other.

Personally, I have never "looked for" a relationship, I have always just "found" myself in the (few) relationships that I have been in. Relationships, for me, are things that grow and happen between two people. You are either open to the relationship and feed/water it so that it grows stronger (in whatever ways are appropriate to THAT relationship)...or you don't, and it fades away (this applies to friendship-type relationships as well).

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpaceyGirl (Post 205717)
Two: How do you pick/find other partners? Does the primary partners date the the secondary together? Does the hinge just date and the other primary gives input in the matter?

I've never "looked for"/"picked" a partner - they fell into my life. But, that is just how I am. Many people seek partners the same way they would if they were single - meet people/get to know them/figure out if you want to date. People do this IRL and online. The added wrinkle is the full disclosure of your relationship status so that you aren't pulling a bait-and-switch where they think they are buying into a "monogamous" type set-up and then you reveal your "baggage" (i.e. that you are in other relationships).

How much input other partner's get? That is probably highly dependent on the people involved. Some people date completely autonomously - where partners know about each other but don't meet or interact. Some couples have "rules" about having to meet (and approve of?) other potential dating partners. In our situation, we expect that we will meet any other partner's at some point (and would be concerned if the other partner wasn't willing to at least MEET us) and would certainly take another partner's opinions into consideration (for instance, my husband trusts my judgement about people's motives more than his own). But the level of friendship/involvement with metamours would depend on mutual interests/budding friendship/attraction/etc.


Quote:

Originally Posted by SpaceyGirl (Post 205717)
Three: How does it work if one of the primary pair is bisexual, but the other one isn't?

Since group sex and shared partners are not a "requirement" for poly...it doesn't necessarily have to affect anything. Some people have "rules" that allow the bisexual person to only date members of the same (or opposite) sex. MrS and I had a "rule" like this - an OPP (One-Penis-Policy) - which I didn't really understand but never really bothered me (except on an intellectual level)...until Dude came into the picture (you can read more about this in my Journey blog here if you are interested - short version: I am more likely to be attracted to women anyway, I don't like most men, BUT my most significant relationships are with men - go figure:rolleyes:).


Quote:

Originally Posted by SpaceyGirl (Post 205717)
Four: How do you deal with a poly relationship if they primary pair has children and then decide to open the relationship?

I'll leave others to answer this - we don't have kids (another long story). If you search the forums there have been a number of threads on this topic. (Maybe search for poly and children?)... I recall, back when I subscribed to "Loving More" magazine that there was an entire issue dedicated to the subject.

JaneQ

Dagferi 05-22-2013 03:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpaceyGirl (Post 205717)
The first is how do you decide who the V is in a poly relationship? I've always wondered if this just happens or do you and your primary partner decide?

A v is a relationship where the hinge has a romantic relationship with 2 people who do not have a romantic relationship with each other. A triad would be three people all romantically involved. Theres all different kinds of configurations.

Quote:

Two: How do you pick/find other partners? Does the primary partners date the the secondary together? Does the hinge just date and the other primary gives input in the matter?
You find them like people in more traditional relationships do. I do not like the primary secondary model/label. My husband does not come above my boyfriend and vice versa. My husband and boyfriend are strictly heterosexual. My husband HAS NO SAY in the relationship between my boyfriend and I and my boyfriend has no say in my relationship with my husband. They are separate but equal relationships.

Quote:

Three: How does it work if one of the primary pair is bisexual, but the other one isn't?
Sorry can't help you there I am straight and are my guys.

Quote:

Four: How do you deal with a poly relationship if they primary pair has children and then decide to open the relationship?
My kids are involved with both relationships. Butch is Dad and Murf is mom's boyfriend. My boys are 10 and 6. Murf attends their events right along side Butch and I. The kids and I go spend time at Murfs house. (Long weekends and etc) Holiday's are spent with Murf's family especially since our closest family is 10 hours away.

Marcus 05-22-2013 05:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpaceyGirl (Post 205717)
The first is how do you decide who the V is in a poly relationship? I've always wondered if this just happens or do you and your primary partner decide?

Two: How do you pick/find other partners? Does the primary partners date the the secondary together? Does the hinge just date and the other primary gives input in the matter?

Three: How does it work if one of the primary pair is bisexual, but the other one isn't?

Four: How do you deal with a poly relationship if they primary pair has children and then decide to open the relationship?

Out of curiosity, do these questions in some way impact your life? They sound pretty general, like you're taking a survey to settle up a bet.

Read through these boards, you will probably glean more information than you will with people answering your questionnaire.


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