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-   -   Long Term Poly Relationship Goals? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=475)

MonoVCPHG 07-09-2009 02:43 AM

Long Term Poly Relationship Goals?
Hi every one ..want to do a little self analysis?

I often wonder what individual goals are in the development of polyamorous relationships. I mean what the individual expectations are for the long haul.

Are you looking for a specific structure such as Quad, triad or V.
Are you looking for numerous secondaries without a desire for forming a life long primary relationship?
Are you looking for polyfidelity in a family integrated level relationship within a specific structure?
Do you want to be a secondary to others?

These are all questions that have answers that may evolve as we change as individuals but what about your expectations today?

Although I am monogamous, I love being in a supportive role as a secondary to Redpepper and her husband. I get to help them grow closer as a family and am committed to the love I have with Redpepper in a spousal sense (if I can be so bold:o).

My goal is simple: become an even greater positive to Redpepper, her husband and her family while giving her all the love I have...make her happy and share everything with her and support her in being fulfilled...become a life long integrated part of her family. I have my needs to do this, which are identified and very freeing.

Lots of love for everyone, Mono.

redpepper 07-09-2009 04:24 PM

Oh baby, I love you so much. I look forward to our future growth and continued love. I'm so fortunate in so many ways and so humbly appreciative.

vandalin 07-09-2009 07:19 PM

I think this is an excellent idea. Through all of my researching into Poly, most of the references are about multiple partnering, which I don't think is what my husband or I am looking for. Although the integrated families idea is appealing, and as we make our own rules this could be plausable.

Our current goals, beside working on our own issues, is to learn as much as we can about the lifestyle before really jumping in, although my feet are already wet. If things don't work out with my friend, I'm not sure how actively we will pursure a triad even, which currently would be my ideal. I never liked the "dating scene" and I suppose you could call me, up to this point, a serial monogamist. I prefer being in a relationship then just dating. Although as a growing person, I'm willing to make exceptions as long as it stays within the agreed boundaries.

I think I would prefer a triad, perhaps even a house sharing triad. I would love for both of my men to be "Primaries" although that kinda goes against the meaning of the word, but that is how I feel about both of them. I wouldn't want my "second" to feel any less loved or appreciated than my legal spouse.

Mono: I wish my friend would spend some time reading your posts and seeing how a monogamist actually can be a part of a poly relationship. I know not all men or mono's can get to the point you have reached, but you give me hope that someday, perhaps my friend will get there...or at least he'll give it, and us, a chance.

Mark1npt 07-09-2009 08:32 PM

Love your signature line Van.....it is truly what life is about....and it sounds like you are approaching your venture into poly the right way. I hope your "second" guy and yes we all agree we don't like that term, comes around to you and your way eventually. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Mark1npt 07-09-2009 08:36 PM

Mono....what did you do to Redpepper to so overwhelmingly win her over? That is awesome, you two...and your extended family should continue to have a very happy and fulfilling life on this planet.

NeonKaos 07-09-2009 09:00 PM

I've said this before, but to answer the OP:

I have no "goals", and am not trying to "be polyamorous". I re-met someone after 21 years and fell totally in love with him and even though he didn't want to "share" me with my husband, I have to use this experience to learn and be prepared for in case it ever happens again. I don't "need" more than my husband can give me, and I don't have this inclination to "love more". For the most part, I can't imagine meeting someone new and falling in love with them, only certain people I already know but our paths have uncrossed for whatever reason. Of course, I'm not ruling anything out. And I am grateful that my husband is willing to roll with this. He must really love me! I know he does.

MonoVCPHG 07-09-2009 09:24 PM


Originally Posted by Mark1npt (Post 2658)
Mono....what did you do to Redpepper to so overwhelmingly win her over? .

My quick response would be that I don't know. In truth I think she loves me because I made myself more vulnerable to her than I have ever before. I simply trust her beyond all others and exposed my weaknesses to her. By looking into my heart and accepting me she tapped into something that hit her like a wave. ..not the kind that washes parts of you away, the kind that flows around you and the people you love. Her happiness and family are first and foremost to me..I think she understands that. The only thing I value as much as my connection to her is the connection I have with myself. Without it I would become lost again.

Take care Mark, I hope everyone gets at least glimpse of what she has given me:)

XYZ123 07-09-2009 10:26 PM

Good question and one I've been dealing with since I decided to start coming to terms with myself.

Ideally, I would have my husband and my gf who would also love eachother deeply but not be sexual. I suppose a mono lesbian or poly bi woman with her own male life partner? She (or they) would be completely integrated into our family and us in theirs and the relationships formed would be, at least sexually, closed. There's always room for more love and friends.

But...there's room for change. When with P I had that for a time. But she's also bi and had a male partner (who was a huge part of the problems leading to the end). I was willing to open the relationship to a triad in order to fulfill her needs emotionally and sexually as a bisexual. N and I discussed it as well as moving her in with us if it came to that point. She was also so close with my son. It didn't work out that way. :(

I suppose I have an "ideal" but the end result would depend on the person(s) eventually involved, should we ever venture forth and try again.

NeonKaos 07-09-2009 11:22 PM

w0w this has got me thinking... My whole thing is, I don't think there are that many people who could really deal with my little quirks and eccentricities in a way that could sustain a long-term domestic relationship (I'm talking everything from roommates to soulmates). My husband is the most suitable mix of personality and sexuality that I have met so far... Shortly, we are not quite so much "soul-mates" as we are compatible in this life. Which is not to say our "souls" aren't compatible either, but this life is something we can be sure does exist for now.

aussielover 07-10-2009 02:44 AM

We are a triad... I love her, and him... he loves me and her, she loves me and him :)
Very shortly, I will be intergrating into their family. We will be finding a new home, OUR home when I get there and will be living all together. My goal is to live a very long happy life with the two of them. However they dynamics end up, all I want to do is love them both, and be loved by them, (and the kids too) for the rest of my life.

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