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-   -   question....how to split time?? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=47440)

Nadya 03-13-2013 06:40 PM

Sharing Time between Two Homes

I would like to tell a bit of my poly situation, and as well read other experiences of sharing your time between two homes. How do you manage your time? What are the reasons for having two different homes? How do you feel about your situation?

So, here is my story:

I am married to CJ, my husband of a few years now. Our relationship was non-monogamous from the very beginning. We have a nice home in a small town where my job is as well.

I have been dating Mark for a few months, we met online some time last year and were writing both emails and IM's quite a lot before our first date. Mark is mono, so I am and will be his only partner. Even though our relationship is new, it has reached some very deep levels. We spend time at his place, and it feels like home to me already, which is exactly what Mark is hoping for. He calls it "our home", and when I am there with him it feels that way to me too. This home is situated about a hundred miles away from my other home, in rural area outside another small town.

We have come to an agreement of me spending every second weekend at Mark's (of course being flexible if something special comes up with either CJ or Mark). I never thought of wanting to have this kind of situation in my life where I have to travel between two places regularly; have always had a job close to home etc. But now, as this has been shaping up, I am actually very happy about it. I love both homes and especially both men. I like having a "town life" with shops nearby etc and a "country life" in the peace and quiet of an old farm site.

Also, the distance between the homes might just be very healthy for my relationship with CJ. As I spend most of my time with him, it prevents me from totally losing myself in the NRE fog we are experiencing with Mark now. Also, as I really fell in love with the home in the country, it has made me take a better care of my home in the town as well: have had much more energy for household duties as well as more sexual energy for CJ's benefit.

So that was a short(ish) version. Will most likely be updating sooner or later.

YouAreHere 03-14-2013 04:30 PM

Hi Nadya,

This is the same situation in my relationship: my partner travels between two homes, about 1.5 hours apart. Not sure if you're looking for advice, but I'll share what's been working for us, and what the challenges have been...

  • GAS! - My partner goes through a TON of gas getting to work and back when he's at home with me (1.5-hour commute versus a .5-hour commute from his other home). His car needs premium, to boot. You're not at the "commuting" stage, but if it gets there, be aware that there'll be an added expense.
  • Distance from my partner's "life" - It'd be a challenge regardless, but there are times when one of his friends is playing at a club on a Thursday night, and I can't go because I either need to work the next morning (and can't add the extra 1.5 hours onto the end of the night), or don't want to stay with him and his OSO because I'd be uncomfortable doing so. Other things, like casually getting together with his sister for coffee tend to be something he can do with his OSO, but we haven't been able to do together, and it can be a bummer.
  • Kid schedules - my partner and I are both divorced, and things like having to pick one of the kids up at 7am, or having to wait for a gymnastics event at 4pm tend to impact the travel back and forth as well, but again, that'd be a challenge regardless
  • Projects - I have a 1930's house, with no end of "projects" in sight... I want to be veerrrrry careful about starting a project if my partner's not going to be around to help finish if I need his help. Not a big deal anymore, but I felt abandoned once before during a big project (unusable shower/tub), and that stunk.

The big plus here, though, is that he and I feel like we're building a life, a future, and a home, and he gets that (differently) with his OSO. I do not want a group living arrangement (I don't ever want another roommate, ever. Period. Blech. :p ), so this works for us. He's not around 24/7, which also helps me indulge my independence a bit, and lets my kids feel like he's not usurping their time with me. Not that I wouldn't enjoy more of his time, but we're doing well with what we have. :)

Hope all goes well for you and yours - it sounds like it is! :D

MeeraReed 03-15-2013 07:07 PM

Hi Nadya,

Your arrangement sounds nice to me. I am a country person at heart, but I'd also like to live part-time in the city.

The only issue I would worry about is the financial aspect. It's expensive enough keeping one home (even with a partner). Are either of the homes mortgaged? Are both your partners steadily employed? Do you pay expenses/rent at your boyfriend's home?

Your boyfriend is mono...will he want to have kids with you someday? More food for thought.

Nadya 03-17-2013 10:03 AM

Thank you for the responses! You both offered good points to think about, appreciate.

Finances are always an important thing to think about and discuss. As for my situation, I am not worried about the financial part, it seems to be ok and steady enough. The travel expenses are something worth to be taken into consideration, though - especially if the traveling gets more frequent.

There are no children in the picture here and I do not want to have any, with neither of them. They both know this and accept it. Just as a comment on the kid schedules part: they tend to be challenging in all kinds of families, I have noticed.

What might become a challenge in my situation is the projects part. Mark has an old house, and it comes with an endless amount of projects. He is very used to completing them on his own, but I would love to be able to help him with them on a practical level as well. So far it has been more discussing them and giving him new points of view for making his best decisions. Of course that is an important part of partnership as well, but nothing compares to the physical presence and actually doing things together.

As for us, group living would not work. Both of my partners are quite introvert and need a lot of their own space. That is one reason why this works so well for us: all of us can get the space they need, the alone time. YouAreHere, I can understand your need for independence very well. Sometimes poly relationship can give the polyship members more independence and space than a monogamous relationship would.

sterling119 05-20-2013 10:26 PM

question....how to split time??
Hi, My wife and I are in a poly v relationship with her being the hinge. We have a question for all others in this type of relationship. Since we have only been in this full time relationship....sort of full time as he does live with us but he is only home on the weekends due to his work. The question is how do others in v relationship split their time together. He and I are not sexually involved and we do all enjoy eachothers company but they need their "alone" time just as my wife and I do. We have not so far had any 3 some activity and haven't really talked about it so as asked, how do others in v's split up the "alone" time??

Dagferi 05-20-2013 11:30 PM

Bare with me here my situation is a pain in the butt to type out...lol. The short version is my time is generally split 60/40 between my husband and boyfriend.

Both of them work pretty crappy shifts. Butch, my husband, works 7 days then has off 2 and then works 8 days and is off for a 4 day weekend. So it works out every 3 weeks he off on the weekend. He works 3p to 11am We share a house with our children.

Murf, my boyfriend works Mon, Tues, Fri, and Sat one Week. And the next week he works Sun, Wed, Thurs. From 6 pm to 6 am. On his long week I see him one weekday. On his short week I will see him one week day then go spend his weekend off with him at his home. If Butch is working during the school year then Murf will come spend a week night here over night. Butch sleeps in the spare room or on the couch. If he is off then I will go to Murf's for some alone time. If it is the weekend and he is working then the kids come with. If he is off like this past weekend then I go to Murfs alone. That only falls once every 6 weeks.

LovingRadiance 05-21-2013 12:14 AM

My dh & bf & I have lived together for 10 yrs, with a number of children.
Bf works evenings. Dh works 7-3 usually, with some out of town jobs.

Honestly-we split time as possible, and its rarely alone. With 6 kids who lived with us fulltime, 4 moved out now, and 2 grandsons-me in school full time, guys work full time, kids are home school- almost all of our time is spent with kids.

We try to arrange a date time once a week for each dyad, no kids. But thats not always feasible. Shrug.

Sex is squished in where there is a half an hour here or there, while kids are sleeping or otherwise occupied.

(both guys are straight & we dont do threesomes)

Marcus 05-21-2013 02:10 AM


Originally Posted by sterling119 (Post 205512)
how do others in v's split up the "alone" time??

It's important to realize that the discussion is entirely between the two of them. They need to decide for themselves how much time they want, then she can check about what the two of you have going on and work with it. Since he's only home on weekends it's kind of a no-brainer... it'll be Saturday or Sunday, whichever is easiest.

sterling119 05-21-2013 04:26 AM

we are working on it and so far so good....He comes in from work friday evening at some point so their time alone for the night is normally friday but we just wordered what others do to make a fair split. Saturday is a toss up if they are feeling it they sometimes have alone time saturday as well although so far she has come back to our bed for the night, sunday is hit and miss for them and she always sleeps with me that night even if they get together at some point. The 3 of us have come up with friday pretty much every week for them to spend the night together...it can be a little awkward if I stay at the house cause I feel they are not really alone if I am there and can hear them making love so sometimes I stay out really late or sleep at a rental we have if it is vacant as it is now so as not to disturb or infulance their time. She and I have a rock solid relationship for 23 years and she is with me all week anyway so I don't feel I am "cheated" out of time and of course sex. I just sometimes worry that their is too much pressure on her to make sure we are both happy and satisfied.

Magdlyn 05-21-2013 06:00 PM

It sounds like you've worked out a pretty good split. If you wanted to let them have even more alone time, you could spend more time away, or they could go away (if affordable) for a little getaway on the weekends, a hotel or condo rental... always romantic to get away.

As for me, I lived (technically) apart from my gf for 4 years. I'd drive in to Boston 20 miles see her pretty much every Friday or Saturday, and spend until Monday or Tuesday with her. If she had free time, she'd sometimes come to my place for a week now and then. (She works from home, I work parttime.)

So on the days of the week I wasn't with her, I'd date/spend time with the various guys I was involved with over the years. For a while in the beginning of 2011, I was seeing 2 men. I'd see one of them (The Gentleman) every other Monday for an evening date while in Boston, not sleep over, and then see Ginger at my place on Wednesday afternoon into Thursday morning.

Now, finally, I am moving in with miss pixi and I am only 7 miles from Ginger! So far it's worked out that I get to see him more often, two or three times a week instead of just once. Sometimes for a sleepover, sometimes just for a few hour date. Less driving for him and me is a big relief!

Ginger and miss p get along, but I still do spend some energy making sure no one feels left out or needing more attention. Ginger is also a hinge, since he's married, but his wife doesn't seem to mind him being gone a lot; he's always had gfs and she's always liked lots of alone time.

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