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-   -   Been a long time (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=47392)

CandyBunnii 05-20-2013 04:18 AM

Been a long time
 
It's been forever since I've been on these forums, so I do not know how active it is.

I want to ask a semi stupid question. I've been in a poly relationship 3 times, all three times ended badly. My guy wasn't the problem, it was always the other partner (male or female) that kept bringing up "either me or him" or "either me or her". I pretty much always had to choose between the two and it pissed me off.

My guy is straight and he is mono all the way, I'm the one that's bisexual and poly all the way. I dated my guy first so he was always first in my heart (he saved my life literally), I've always felt lucky that my guy would be willing to share me with others and keep an open mind.

However, for some stupid reason and for three times, I ended up with partners that made me choose between them! I even set up the ground rules in the beginning:

* Don't try to make me choose, you will lose. Doesn't matter who you are.

* Do realize that because I've been with my guy the longest, I'm kind of biased on how I feel towards you. With time, the bias will fade hopefully.

* If you are over-seas or out-of-state and you seriously want to be with me, do realize that naturally since I am around my guy alot, I won't spend every waking moment with you but I'll try my best to spend equal amount of time with you.

* Respect my need for space and I'll respect yours.

* You have to be serious, I don't fool around. So that means no summer flings, no agreeing to date me because you just want to pass the time, and no treating me like crap.

* Respect my guy. You don't HAVE to like him or love him if you do not want to, but please respect the fact that he's going to be part of your life too.

^

These were my ground rules and all of them agreed to it. In the end it didn't matter because all of them pulled the "me or him" or "me or her" card T___T

After the last boyfriend broke up with me abruptly and I became depressed for three weeks over that. We decided enough was enough. My guy was seriously pissed off at the last guy, I kinda liked the fact that he was willing to hunt the jerk boyfriend down and kill him for hurting me xD

We closed our relationship, became exclusive to each other only and got married. We're still married and I couldn't be happier. My husband tries to be a different person almost every day, so I wouldn't feel the need to date another. I don't remember the exact words but he said something like:

"I want to be the only one for you. If that means for me to be different so that you wouldn't need to date another man/woman, so be it".

Basically, he's wearing multiple hats at once. There are times when he's the same old guy I fell in love with, and then there are times where he completely catches me off guard and I'm like, "who is he?". I'm perfectly fine with this set up and I try to be random too so he wouldn't miss anything either ;)

My question is: If you're in a close relationship currently and may or may not have plans to open your relationship in the future, are you still considered poly?

BoringGuy 05-20-2013 04:51 AM

"Considered poly" by whom, and what difference does it make? It's not like a club that you get kicked out of for being a traitor or something. After that whole long story about your husband pulling wacky shit your only question is "am i still considered poly"? What if the answer is yes? What if the answer is no? What if the answer is maybe? What does all that mean TO you?

CandyBunnii 05-20-2013 05:03 AM

What wacky shit are you talking about?

And I meant considered poly to friends and acquaintances. There were times I've gotten weird looks from people asking me how I could call myself polyamorous if I'm in a monogamous closed relationship? Keep in mind these are the same people asking me how I'm bisexual if I'm in a straight relationship with my husband.

That's why I was asking if I'm still considered poly. I'm content only loving my husband right now, but that doesn't mean that I cannot fall in love with another person (if that happens again).

So in the poly community's point of view, should I call myself poly still or just stop calling myself poly atleast until we decide to open our relationship up again?

JaneQSmythe 05-20-2013 05:32 AM

I get the impression that what BG was referring to as "pulling wacky shit" is your husband trying to be different people to you - rather than his authentic self. It seems as though he is not enough for you "as himself" and is trying to keep you to himself by attempting to BE the multiple loves you have had in the past. I don't know that that is viable in the long term...:confused: Sounds like he needs some reassurance that you love him for HIMSELF and that loving other people never meant that there was anything wrong with HIM.

As to whether you are still poly or not? That depends on how you relate to being poly. Some people view it as a sort of orientation like sexual identity - like being "bisexual" even if you are currently in a M/F relationship. Others view it as a relationship choice/configuration (i.e. the "poly" describes the relationship not the person). Personally, I think that if you know that you have the capacity to love more than one at the same time - then you can claim the "poly" label if it suits you, even if you never act on it again.

Just my two cents.

JaneQ

nycindie 05-20-2013 09:35 AM

Who cares what other people think, anyway? Call yourself whatever you want.

BoringGuy 05-20-2013 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe (Post 205361)
I get the impression that what BG was referring to as "pulling wacky shit" is your husband trying to be different people to you - rather than his authentic self. It seems as though he is not enough for you "as himself" and is trying to keep you to himself by attempting to BE the multiple loves you have had in the past. I don't know that that is viable in the long term...:confused: Sounds like he needs some reassurance that you love him for HIMSELF and that loving other people never meant that there was anything wrong with HIM.


JaneQ

Yes. "wacky shit" is short for all that. It's hard to partial quote something on the ipod. I didn't think it was necessary to spell it all out since the OP wrote about it right there. It's not like i was making shit up. I think that what the husband is doing is "wacky" and it doesn't read as though the OP likes it much either.

Marcus 05-20-2013 04:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CandyBunnii (Post 205348)
These were my ground rules and all of them agreed to it. In the end it didn't matter because all of them pulled the "me or him" or "me or her" card T___T

I suspect you weren't paying very close attention as you were getting involved with these people. There were probably jealousy and competitive issues early on which you missed because of NRE. Anyone who would demand (or even politely ask) for you to become monogamous for their benefit is WAY too self-centered and immature to be non-monogamous.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CandyBunnii (Post 205348)
We closed our relationship, became exclusive to each other only and got married. We're still married and I couldn't be happier. My husband tries to be a different person almost every day, so I wouldn't feel the need to date another. I don't remember the exact words but he said something like:

"I want to be the only one for you. If that means for me to be different so that you wouldn't need to date another man/woman, so be it".

Basically, he's wearing multiple hats at once. There are times when he's the same old guy I fell in love with, and then there are times where he completely catches me off guard and I'm like, "who is he?". I'm perfectly fine with this set up and I try to be random too so he wouldn't miss anything either ;)

You guys are actively behaving in ways that are not genuine just so the other person won't have the desire to be with anyone else? And this is the preferred method??? That is confusing and more than a little gross.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CandyBunnii (Post 205348)
My question is: If you're in a close relationship currently and may or may not have plans to open your relationship in the future, are you still considered poly?[/I]

Does a monogamous person who is single stop being monogamous because they aren't dating anyone at the moment?

Vixtoria 05-20-2013 04:59 PM

I wouldn't worry about what other people consider you. I mean really. I'm never considered the same thing to any two different people. I'm too 'straight' to be gay and too 'gay' to be straight. Bi, pan whatever, some people go with it, some people roll their eyes. I'm poly to the people that care enough about me to accept me and what I believe I am. To others I am cheating, I am using my husband, I am a freak.

It's just odd that your only question right now is what OTHER people might consider you.

JaneQSmythe 05-20-2013 11:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 205450)
Yes. "wacky shit" is short for all that. It's hard to partial quote something on the ipod. I didn't think it was necessary to spell it all out since the OP wrote about it right there. It's not like i was making shit up. I think that what the husband is doing is "wacky" and it doesn't read as though the OP likes it much either.

Glad I got it right for once.:p...but as for the part I changed to red...She does say:

Quote:

Originally Posted by CandyBunnii (Post 205348)
I'm perfectly fine with this set up and I try to be random too so he wouldn't miss anything either ;)

So she seems to like it well enough to want to try to play the same game.:rolleyes:

I do think there is a difference between trying to pay attention and do things to surprise and please your partner - things that you wouldn't necessarily think of doing if you didn't know them so well. But trying to be multiple people (or the proverbial someone's "everything") - that sounds exhausting.

JaneQ

BoringGuy 05-21-2013 12:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe (Post 205528)
Glad I got it right for once.:p...but as for the part I changed to red...She does say:



So she seems to like it well enough to want to try to play the same game.:rolleyes:

I do think there is a difference between trying to pay attention and do things to surprise and please your partner - things that you wouldn't necessarily think of doing if you didn't know them so well. But trying to be multiple people (or the proverbial someone's "everything") - that sounds exhausting.

JaneQ

Oh yes, i did see that, but it strikes me as though she's doing it to "get even" and not because it's this little thing they both enjoy. It's the reason why he does it in the first place that is wacky to me, and i don't get the idea that the OP would do it on her own if he didn't do it first.


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