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-   -   Any hinges in a V care to shed some light? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=47369)

Ssandra 05-19-2013 07:58 PM

Any hinges in a V care to shed some light?
 
(yes, I know I'm posting here a lot. Too much probably. sorry!!)


Ok; My husband is a hinge (that's what you call it right?) in a V with me and a girlfriend.

I have zero issue with seeing them together and hanging out together. From the short chat that I had with her, it seems that she doesn't have much issue with it either.

I love hearing about their dates together, what they did, how it went, etc. She has no issue with him mentioning me in a conversation (as in; "Sandra and I went to see my parents"). I know this, because she told me.

Yet... my lovely darling husband seems to do his very best to not ever mention me in most conversations with her. "I am going to see my parents" instead of a simple "we are going to see my parents". My husband is the one who is resisting us all being together (just for lunch or dinner, not talking about sex) and finds it awkward to even suggest it to her.

I'd love for us to be able to spend the night together. I wouldn't even mind trying to sleep in the second bedroom while they have the master bedroom. Yet, it would be "too awkward" for my husband.


Anyway... I can accept that this is how he feels, but I don't understand and he doesn't seem to be able to explain it to me. I am not wired like other people, and I don't have the cultural background that he has. So I just want to understand, put myself in his shoes...

Is there anyone here who feels or felt the same, and who would like to try and explain it to me?

BoringGuy 05-20-2013 12:49 AM

Don't push it. Just because it's what you want, doesn't mean what you want gets to over-ride what THEY want. If you're really so OMG OK with it like you keep repeating as though you are trying to convince yourself, then let go of this fixation on being all together under the same roof and generously letting them have the master bedroom.

To be completely candid with you, and you probably won't like hearing this, but you are beginning to sound obsessive and a little creepy to me. If i were your husband or his girlfriend, i'd ask for a meeting to discuss "boundaries". You say you're "ok", she's "ok" but clearly, one of you is NOT "ok" and that would be HIM.

tl;dr If you are so "ok" with their relationship, butt out of micromanaging the sleeping arrangements and let them have their space, whatever that means to them.

LovingRadiance 05-20-2013 01:18 AM

I'm a hinge.
We live together.

However-it is very important to ME to have some privacy in each of my relationships.

It is very meaningful to me, and appreciated, that both of them will ask "how was your day" and allow me to decide if I want to elaborate upon what I did with the other. Instead of trying to drag out of me any details I may or may not feel like sharing.

That said, if there is ANYTHING that could questionably be important, I share it and if for some reason a specific question is asked, I answer it-because honesty is a critical topic to me.
But really-I don't want to re-live every moment with GG, when I'm with Maca or vice versa-I want to spend my time alone with them focused on my time with them-not my time with the other one.

Ssandra 05-20-2013 01:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 205319)
Don't push it. Just because it's what you want, doesn't mean what you want gets to over-ride what THEY want. If you're really so OMG OK with it like you keep repeating as though you are trying to convince yourself, then let go of this fixation on being all together under the same roof and generously letting them have the master bedroom.

To be completely candid with you, and you probably won't like hearing this, but you are beginning to sound obsessive and a little creepy to me. If i were your husband or his girlfriend, i'd ask for a meeting to discuss "boundaries". You say you're "ok", she's "ok" but clearly, one of you is NOT "ok" and that would be HIM.

tl;dr If you are so "ok" with their relationship, butt out of micromanaging the sleeping arrangements and let them have their space, whatever that means to them.


Thanks. I appreciate honesty. One of the reasons why I sound obsessive here is because I feel like I can let it out here without bothering either of them.

This post is not about "how can I get my way" but really because I want to understand. I can understand why a girlfriend might not be comfortable being with the wife and I can understand how a wife might not be comfortable being with the girlfriend. I cannot quite understand how the person who loves both persons cannot be comfortable sharing time with both....

I am just looking to understand :)

As for me butting in: I have talked to her twice after this happened and only once about this entire situation. I don't interfere with their sleeping arrangements and I let them have as much space as I can handle at the moment.

I do talk to my husband, but that's because I'm someone who processes things by talking. He is strong enough to tell me to butt out, or to be patient, so I feel safe enough to not have to withhold anything from him.

Ssandra 05-20-2013 01:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 205324)
But really-I don't want to re-live every moment with GG, when I'm with Maca or vice versa-I want to spend my time alone with them focused on my time with them-not my time with the other one.

Thanks. That is a good point and not one I had considered before.

BoringGuy 05-20-2013 05:13 AM

The reason he is "uncomfortable" having sex with her with you under the same roof is probably because maybe he would feel that way about ANYONE listening to them have sex, or even if you can't hear, HE might FEEL like he can't relax because he's thinking of you thinking of him and thinking about having sex with you while he's doing it with her and it weirds him out and he can't focus on the present? I don't think a person needs to be "wired" a certain way to be able to understand why someone may not want to have sex with one person while the other person is nearby. Also, i don't think it's that unusual for one partner to lean toward voyeurism or exhibitionism while the other prefers to not be seen or heard.

Ssandra 05-20-2013 05:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 205354)
The reason he is "uncomfortable" having sex with her with you under the same roof is probably because maybe he would feel that way about ANYONE listening to them have sex, or even if you can't hear, HE might FEEL like he can't relax because he's thinking of you thinking of him and thinking about having sex with you while he's doing it with her and it weirds him out and he can't focus on the present? I don't think a person needs to be "wired" a certain way to be able to understand why someone may not want to have sex with one person while the other person is nearby. Also, i don't think it's that unusual for one partner to lean toward voyeurism or exhibitionism while the other prefers to not be seen or heard.


I guess I understand where this disconnect comes from. I wasn't talking about sex. I was talking about simple things like just watching tv together, or going out for dinner.

I do understand the weirdness around sex, even when I don't share those feelings. I don't understand the weirdness around just hanging out all together, obviously not all the time, just sometimes. Without interfering with the private time that each of us also needs of course.

BoringGuy 05-20-2013 05:22 AM

He probably doesn't know how to act, and feels awkward about holding her hand and showing affection to her in front of you the way he normally would, and wouldn't want to ignore either of you.

What's the hurry? Why can't you just give it more time? My spouse has been in another relationship for over a year, and we still haven't all hung out together. Although, i am not really interested in that because i have other things i'd rather do with that time.

Ssandra 05-20-2013 05:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 205358)
What's the hurry? Why can't you just give it more time? My spouse has been in another relationship for over a year, and we still haven't all hung out together. Although, i am not really interested in that because i have other things i'd rather do with that time.

The hurry is that I'm being hormonal and pregnant :)

No, seriously though, I know there is not that much of a hurry, except that I will need him close a lot more often once the baby is here, and in my humble opinion it would be easier if we could all hang out together.

But if that doesn't happen..., that's their relationship, not mine and they will have to figure that out for themselves.

And again; this is not meant as a post on "how do I get my husband to do what I want" but a post one "I want to understand how my husband thinks, and he has a hard time explaining it to me in a way that I understand"

I find life is easier when I understand other people's view points. Not to mention that it enriches my life and my own world view.

Dirtclustit 05-20-2013 05:50 AM

Some people are more open than others
 
I am a very private person, except with the people I choose to be close with. To my chosen family openness and honesty is a big deal. I could understand not getting to meet someone if the meeting included sex, not everyone is in to that.

Personally when partners bock at meeting for more than a hi, ok, bye, I've found that what has happened was my girlfriend has a tendency to exaggerate here and there and that doesn't look so good and comes out rather quick if we sit down and have a moment to talk.

They're just white lies and not malicious or anything that like, just the typical only showing your best side, so to speak or something silly like who really wears the pants in the family.

A lot of times when people open up their relationship, the first years are sort of like phantasy football, meaning that the spouse may be pretending to be Joe Montana, and it's hard for him to stay in character when his wife is giggling as if it's the funniest thing she has ever seen.


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