Time to share...
Some backstory on me, and how I got here...
I was a relationship junky. In and out of long term (2-3 year) relationships, one after another, for as long as I have been dating. I was never single. I see a lot to love in people, and I am easily satisfied with my mates I suppose. I like having an outlet for my affections (Who doesn't?!)
One year ago I ruined the best relationship of my life with (who I thought was honestly) my soul mate, B. I said I would never be married, I don't imagine myself as a house wife and I don't want children. I have unconventional views of society and this is where most of my previous relationships reached their end. But we were on the same page about a lot of things, and I eventually saw myself with him until I died, married or not. We had a beautiful connection. When we got together we lived on opposite ends of the country. I moved across country for him because I wanted to be with B and start a life with him. This was a HUGE sacrifice to me, one I took in stride and looked at with excitement instead of fear or resentment. This quickly changed. I was here 2 months only and he then took a job in another province. This was supposed to be temporary. We were together for 3 years, all 3 of which were long distance. This would be hard enough for a normal couple. But I am not a normal person...
We had not talked about my bisexuality yet with him being gone and me not interested in anyone, I guess I didn't see the point in bringing up the topic. Our relationship was still blossoming, we did not know much about each other as far as living together was concerned, but we talked for hours in his absence over the phone. I had no idea how he would react, even though we were likeminded in a lot of things, we were set on building a life together but he was very conventional as far as relationships are concerned. I guess I had it on the backburner because I was still concerning myself with HIM. At this point, we were together for 1 year and living in our own townhouse for only 8 months.
He found out about my interest in women when I called him one day to say "I may end up sleeping with this girl" and I needed his permission because I was trying SO HARD with him to NOT cheat and betray as I had in the past. I confessed to him in one run on sentence that SURPRISE I was bi I was in love with a new beauty, R. I could hear him smiling through the phone. Through this infatuation B and I discussed (for the first time in my life) the ways I felt I might be polyamorous, and my desire to have a boyfriend AND a girlfriend. He knew everything about me, except this. He was open to the idea, and saw no harm in it. He knew his absence in my life would be hard to cope with, and he accepted that I needed an outlet for my affections and all the love I have to give.
B let me go after R, and we had our fun, nothing too serious or ongoing. But this progressed to deeper conversations of my long term wants and his tucked away fantasies. He was happy with my honesty and I was feeling free for the first time to BE ME, happiest when shared it seems.
And then B let me have what I have always wanted, to be the center of a beautiful Vee.
B accepted me wanting a long-term girlfriend, and he supported my quest. I found J. She was "to keep me happy" while B was away. They never met, they only knew of each other from what I shared pictures I showed, etc. This went on wonderfully for 7 months. There were no issues of jealousy and I did my best to make sure I wasn't neglecting my primary relationship in any way. B WAS my priority, even though he was always gone.
When B was home it was playtime and excursions and home in bed and lots of love and happiness building on our foundation for a life together. J was intimacy on a whole new level for me, friendship and understanding. There weren't many rules imposed on us by B, he did not want to put us into a box, this was still new to him as well. J understood me, what I wanted; I opened up to her about a lot of stuff I have always struggled with. In a sense she was like me, she wanted to have a man on the side of me as well and she never made me justify my feelings or my (sometimes “irrational”) desires.
I finally felt like I was complete, with my amazing man and my beautiful woman at my side, and I saw myself happy for a long, long time. (I never entered into a relationship without intention of carrying it through to its end, no matter how long or short that may be; I used to think long-term about everything).
Then devastation hit the core of my heart when J's job took her to Australia, far away from me. Although I did my best to keep these emotions out of sight and just accept that her life was going in another direction it affected my relationship with B in that I was all ALONE again. She would be gone for ONE year. He was still gone indefinitely. 8 months had turned into 2.5 years, and I was begging him to come home, but he had personal goals he was trying to achieve as well. I tried to stay supportive, but I suddenly found myself lonely and looking for ''filler'' relationships with women looking for momentary release. J was impossible to replace. I began hiding these encounters from him, against all our talk of honesty and openness I was falling back on my old ways of personal secrecy and detachment.
Finally I became close with a guy, JK, who I met sharing one of my hobbies. We became inseparable, spending every other day together. This began an episode of jealousy from B, even though he wasn’t around to witness our relationship first hand. I should have addressed the issue then, but this is hindsight. We travelled out of town and we ended up becoming intimate in B's absence in a hotel room, after drinking, against all of my hard work for honesty and my commitment to B. Of course B found out. I am a terrible liar he could see it on my face and he went crazy SPY vs SPY on me, hacking my computer, key logging all my chats :( He did these things because he had issues in the past with a cheating girlfriend, and he was trying to put an end to it before it got going. My relationship crumbled out from underneath my feet. I was forced to choose B or JK. I could not have both. After 3 years long distance we hardly knew each other enough to be able to deal with such a HUGE problem in our relationship. I began sleeping in the guest room and he threatened to move out if I didn't go to counselling. We ended up going to one session only and he moved out anyway.
My friends (now our MUTUAL friends) were thrown into the mix, I was begging anyone who would listen for a morsel of understanding but they wouldn't have any of it. They told me to lose JK if I wanted to keep my relationship with B. I felt like this was unfair! How could I lose a friend (who I had a very deep connection to) for B when B wasn’t even willing to come home for me!? They simply did not understand because the whole story wasn't aired out, mostly because of my embarrassment at ruining such a wonderful relationship and my desire (at the time) to keep my polyamorous affairs a secret from my friends.
I only recently came out to two of them, telling them I am bisexual. It was essential I explain to them how our relationship fell apart, in hindsight, so that they could try to help me recover. I have felt overwhelming anxiety over the loss of this relationship, and I needed my friends to show me where I was failing myself. But in the end I felt as though they were failing me as friends, choosing him over me. Their argument was “he didn’t do anything to us! He is a good guy, why should we lose him as a friend?!” This crushed me even more because the man I so desperately wanted to repair what I had broken with would not give me the time of day, yet my friends of 14 years got to see him weekly, or every other day. I have tried to reconcile with B but there is so much anger and resentment that we cannot go without a fight.
It is one year later. I am still seeing JK, although I cannot for the first time in my life commit to a relationship with him. He keeps pressing me and wants to move in together but I am not ready. I won’t even call myself his girlfriend! I know this hurts him, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.
At times I feel he is my only friend, the only one left standing next to me and my pile of rubble. I feel this pressure is too great, that he is the cause of my failed relationship yet in so many ways he is also the source of my happiness. I can’t count the times he has picked me up and dusted me off and try to help me try again. He tries hard to give me what I need, and we have had several talks about how I think I am polyamorous. Like most men, he is able to accept the idea of me being with women but the idea of another man is unforgiveable. I can see this being problematic, even though I have no desires to be with any other man at this current time in my life, and I just can’t get over the idea that I want to be single for now without the responsibility of an actual relationship. He knows he is free to seek comfort elsewhere, if he feels it is what he needs, and I support and understand this.
(incomplete - Part 2 to follow)
In January I met a couple online I will call MR and MRS and had plans to go away with them, behind JKs back, on a vacation. We hooked up one night in a hotel, meet n greet, and they wanted to have me long term, talking about building a life together and experimenting with polyamory together. They hit a nerve with a fantasy I have always had: to be taken away by a couple and brought into their relationship, forming a sexy triad. They backed out last minute, and wouldn't have me in their future for many reasons, long distance being the main issue.
I am a terrible liar. I really suck at keeping secrets. JK found out, found all the emails. He read them. He confronted me about it 3 weeks ago, I denied and finally confessed. He forgave me because he understands that I am struggling with a lot over the past year. But I do not know why I felt I had to hide it from him, so that he would stay with me, given that I cannot commit to him?!?!? Ugh. What a mess.
Meanwhile J got back from Australia in December. I knew she was back, but I was tilted mentally and emotionally that I didn't reach out to her until just last week. (side note - we are having lunch TOMORROW -I am SO NERVOUS and EXCITED to see her and reconnect - but she is dating a new guy and says we can only be friends. I do not know how much this new guy knows about J or his position on her having a GF).
I have been honest about J with JK, and I asked JK for his blessing in my desire to reconnect with J now that I feel I can handle her in my life once again. He is supportive. He knows all about her and wants me to rekindle my relationship with her. This is the first bit of relief I have felt in a year. I am SO thankful to have the opportunity to reconnect with someone who made me feel so much love and potential, who gave me so much understanding.
I have firmly decided to remain SINGLE, and without any kind of a relationship "status". I do not know what I am yet still capable of. I do not want to go through another breakup at all. All breakups are hard, but with B it was different. I was letting go of a life with him, of our dreams together, everything. I was devastated for the first time in my life when B left me, unlike anyone before him. It was usually me doing the walking in the past.
I have had to put in a lot of work emotionally and mentally understanding where I went wrong this time and WHY it was different from all the others. My progress is slow (I still lied to JK about MR and MRS) but I am working at it each day.
Sometimes I see myself alone until the end of my days, other times I see myself in a community with love all around me. I just want to love and be loved and be happy in life outside of the box called ''normal''.
waking up with my arms around her is the best kind of awesome.
J update <3
Had lunch Saturday... Turned into an afternoon and then supper, and then a full night out together. She really did not want to leave my side (swoooooooon).
Got to talking about the past year and a half.. it was incredible, it was like we didn't even leave each other really. I am myself 100% honest and true in her company.
I had high hopes for her counselling abilities, and I felt a little disappointed when all she could say about my horrendous breakup with B was "you lasted longer than I could, in a long distance relationship" :( Makes me question myself and my abilities again, almost like it was a situation doomed to failure and how could I have agreed to it in the first place? But she WAS able to help me see that perhaps B wasn't actually "the best relationship of my life" and I might have put too many eggs into his basket off the start. At the point of our breakup we had only had 5.5 months of face time together. I try to justify my long term commitment to him with everything we learned about one another over the phone... but somehow, I feel J may be right in that we just didn't know each other enough to come out of it okay.
J's new BF does not know she is bi! She feels she cannot tell him because his last two relationships ended BOTH with the woman leaving him for: another woman. >_>
I think this is a recipe for disaster.
I asked if she had any intentions of telling him she was into girls BEFORE he came along?! She really had no answer. I asked her does she plan on telling him about me?! That answer was a definite no.
He is scared of commitment now (understandably) and J is frustrated with the way he is "never really around" or seems to "not care" what she is up to. (she spent Saturday night with me, at my house, in my bed.... He wasn't in touch with her at all to say goodnight, good morning, what are you up to? Did you get home safe?). I also came to find out her closest guy friend is driving her to drop the new BF, for reasons unknown to me. They have been together 6 months.
I told her I do not want to be a dividing agent in their relationship.. I was a perfect Lady all night and kept my distance, I tried to be respectful of her new BF. But then she came at me and I couldn't keep my hands off of her...
I feel guilty now. I tried to apologize if she is now put in an awkward position with him. She seems to be unaffected by our reunion as far as he is concerned.
I really am not sure how much right I have to making J tell her new man about me.. I am trying to be done with secrecy and hidden closet meetings. She does want to see me again, we click together magically, but I don't want to be her dirty little secret on the side of her primary relationship. I KNOW how badly that ends, and I hate not having any security with her.
JK came over after she left Sunday morning. We had a long talk about my reunion with J. He could see how happy I was, and this in turn made him happy for me, but I could sense he was nervous and uneasy.
I took the time to let him know what it is about him that makes me attracted to him, and the ways that she is different to make sure he understood there wasn't a competition going on here. We talked for a long time about how it was new and different for him. I made sure he could ask me anything and gave him honest answers.
After our chat he was looking more relaxed, and somehow sexier in this new light. We had an amazing little reunion of our own, and joked about how happy I am as a hinge, being shared with "Jsquared" in my life.
I just can't shake the feeling that being with J right now is counter productive to what I am trying to achieve.
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